Raise your fist with me

Over the new year weekend, I received an email from a friend who used to work for me years ago and was starting the following Monday to work for me again. But it wasn’t about work. It was about who she thinks I am.

It was an email with 41 words and a link. But the most important thing about the email was that she thought this was a thing I would/should (probably more would than should) do.

The end of my 2015 sucked ass. I got sick and spent the weekend before Christmas in the ER and was down for the count for two weeks. I couldn’t leave my bed or my bathroom. Colitis sucks, people.

And then at the beginning of the year,I lost my last cat, my 19 year old companion. I’d lived with her longer than I’d lived with anyone else, even my parents. So, shit was bad, and I hated everything and felt like I hadn’t done anything last year. It was awful. . . But this thing. This thing happened.

It was called www.yearcompass.com. I didn’t look at it over that weekend, but then I looked at it Monday morning, the first Monday of the month, January 4th. How was I going to shape my year? And dude, like I said before, I did SHIT the year before, so there is no reason to look back. I didn’t even write a blog about what I had accomplished for 2015 over the weekend because it seemed like I hadn’t done anything. And I always write something about the year before. And I was sure I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. But then on Monday, the 4th, I read about this booklet.

I told my friend that I would totally do this and would she do it with me and could I write it out and share it with her and would she share hers with me. We agreed.

The next 4 days I spent time doing this “The Year Ahead” booklet. But the first page taught me everything I think about myself is wrong. I am not lazy. I am not terrible. I am not a loser. The irony of these words does not escape me. I mean, every year for the last few years I write the same thing. . . “I’m so lazy. I don’t do anything. But wait. I did do things. Lots of things. Why do I always think I’m such a slag?”

This past year, 2015, is no different.

The first page tells you to consider the following: “Go through last year’s calendar week by week. If you see an imporTant event, family gathering, friendly get-together or significant project, write it down here.”

I didn’t have enough room.

I finished a tarot class
I started a writing group, where one of the writers finished a book
I met Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker at my writing conference
I saw Rose’s Pawn Shop
I stayed overnight with Simon playing games and telling stories about the slumperflurfer that lived under the couch and needed carrots - and every time it got carrots gave a kissing fit to laughing boys
I saw Amanda Fucking Palmer in Vancouver (I’d never been) with all of her TED TALK friends!!
I played smashputt!
I did Lauren’s hair and makeup for prom. She wanted to be cinderella and had a dress to match
I walked a marathon
I went to the women’s world cup
I attended a women’s conference and was inspired; meeting Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker (who does that???)
I stage managed Gary’s 50th birthday and had the fucking time of my life and loved on Gary and Rodney
I orchestrated a winning sock drive for homeless
I watched ET with Ciara. . . Watching movies with her is a healing experience.
I had two bouts of anaphylactic shock that left me on the couch for three total weeks - but it didn’t kill me - so fuck you antibiotics
I finalized my divorce
I went to see March4th and loved on Shannon and Shelia
I attended Derek and Kristin’s wedding, re-connecting with my soul twin Kelly
I lost 20lbs
I told a story as part of an event about my amazing familyship with Ciara
I got Colitis
An employee came back to work for me
I took a road trip to Montana in a corvette
I went to Florida in JULY to hang with my family. And it was amazing and fantastic, reminding me that despite my closed offness, they heal me.
I lost my Willie
I visited Alistair’s family for Doug’s 70th birthday and was reminded how much I belong
I celebrated my and Jennifer’s birthday with oreo cakes
I rooted for the Green Bay Packers at a playoff game with the Seahawks and kept all my friends
I discovered Kat Robicoud
I hired a life coach
I hired an assistant
I stage managed The Lion in Winter and could not be prouder of this production
I wrote more than 50K words.
I asked for help


There were 8 more pages that asked me to relive my most important events, accomplishments, avoidances, challenges, risks,fears,favorite things, people that helped me and that I helped, made me realize what I needed to forgive and let go, and helped me boil my last year into a book title with three themes: learning, change and asking.

The book title to 2015?

The Fool’s Journey.

Don’t judge. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t. Look up the Fool/Tarot.

And then came the planning for 2016.

I am not a planner. . . Not in anyone’s imagination.

But, despite this depression (getting colitis and being in the ER during the week of Christmas and your birthday and then losing your 19 year old cat a two weeks later will totally fuck with you and help you right into the darkness of depression), it gave me hope. It made me smile. It inspired me.

The first thing it asked me was this: What does the year ahead of you look like? What will happen in an ideal case? Why will it be great? Write, Draw, let go of your expectations and dare to dream.

My answer?

Hopeful. Full of family and travel and writing and friends and change. I will leap. I will step off the sidewalk to see what it is like off the path. I will give myself, all the way, to the universe. I will hide nothing, be shamed by nothing. I will close my eyes, throw back my head and my arms out wide to let the universe fill all the space with no apologies. And when I fall, I’ll get back up by asking my loves to give me a hand.

And then I remembered I was going to share this with another person. It was terrifying and I realized I had committed to telling another person of all my failures. But then I looked at my dare to dream statement. How could I NOT share this with her. I had declared my unabashed vuneralbility. I would start out the year being a fraud if I didn’t share it with anyone.

And so I will live it. I believe that stating these things to me. Stating these things to you will inspire, compel and propel me to that. And I’ve shared that statement of dream to many people. Close people and not close people. I want to be free to declare myself always. And so I do.

I am brave
I am courageous
I am vulnerable
I am fragile
I am strong
I am fallible
I am trusting
I am trustworthy
I am worthy

I give myself to the universe.

I believe the universe will give right back.

I know that I can lift my fist in the air and say
Fuck yes.
I am here.
I love.
I am loved.
I see you.
We are connected.

AND I SAY TO ALL MY PEOPLE (you know who you are - I love you):
FUCK YES
YOU ARE HERE
I AM HERE
WE LOVE EACH OTHER
WE ARE LOVED BY EACH OTHER
THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME
WE ARE CONNECTED

Here is to 2016.

p.s. I share with her tomorrow. And I’m not afraid. oh, and here are some pictures https://goo.gl/photos/AVsD66XPUbshyHhFA

it was rough and amazing. cuz that's how life is. . .

and it’s that time again. time for me to put goals out there and then promptly not meet them. i’m a great beginner, and a terrible finisher. this time last year i decided i was going to “live the Ray Bradbury way.” it was my hair brained idea that i could read something every single day of the year. and to add to it, i also said i’d read a whole bunch of other shit and go to a bunch of shows and visit the library - oh, and of course, write a whole bunch. on the blog, not on the blog. . .oh, the goals i had.

i don’t think i made it to the library one time. i almost went last month when my parents were in town, but i am not sure that would have counted at all.

i feel like i failed. . . again.

i looked back at how many postings i did in 2014. and it’s less than 2013 (which was less than the year before that). . . and i wonder why on earth i can’t keep up a writing habit. i love to write. it makes me feel right, normal. the gap in the middle of the year makes complete sense to me.  so - here’s what happened.

at the beginning of the year, i had just moved back into my house. i had moved out (this was the second or third time) because of a major disagreement of how a marriage should work. i had high hopes, i posted 5 times in january. that was amazing for me. at least once a week i posted something. 

in february, i went to mexico to a writing conference and - it was an amazing time.  i was inspired. i felt renewed and invigorated and i thought i would write and write and write.

San Miguel Febuary 2014

however, my return was ruined by the fact that another marriage disagreement (of major significant factors) occurred. details don’t necessarily matter, but know that i don’t deserve what happened. i have enough self esteem to know i am a good person who deserves an equal partner willing to participate in life. and not just in my life. in their own life, too.

i wrote a blog posting in march about how i needed to forgive myself about what i hadn’t done. and it’s true, i did need to forgive myself. i was depressed. so depressed it was hard to get out of bed every day. i had tried very hard to write, to read, to be inspired, but it was hard. when your marriage is dissolving before your eyes, it’s hard to focus on much else. it would be short sited to not look back at that and think - shit - she should forgive herself - she did all of that during a very difficult time. 

that time lasted for a long time. my breaking point was in the middle of may (probably at the beginning of may, but i hadn’t found enough courage to do anything). there is a quote by Meg Cabot -

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

it’s a quote i’ve told to others, on many occasions, to help them know they are more important than any fear they have. so hypocritical of myself. it’s always easier to give others advice - you can see the problem so objectively when it isn’t you. but this time i had to see my own problem. it was hard and it was terrifying. but i had decided that i was more important than my fear. more important than my fear of loneliness, more important than my fear of being hated, more important than my fear of thinking i could never find my center, more important than the my fear that i deserved this unhappiness and disrespect.

i didn’t leave my house this time. it’s my house. on June 1^st, i got my space back. my house and safe place. i was mercifully and terrifyingly alone. i thought it would be enough to break the depression. but it didn’t get better. it got worse. and along with it came some other scary things. 

i woke up one morning, in july, without being able to put a hair tie in my hair. i couldn’t grab things correctly. and i knew this mean there was something wrong with my neck. and i had been through this. two and a half years ago i had my disc removed and my spine fused to get rid of this problem only to find out that well - there are these canals that were being pinched by the disc but that are now narrowing so. . . disc or no disc, my nerve was very angry. two neck injections later and i’m better. . . but. . . just better. it comes and goes.

a month after that i woke up and found  this crazy creeping red thing going up my arm.  i waited all day because it didn’t hurt or anything, but after work i went to the doctor and she sent me straight to the ER. they promptly said i had a blood infection and needed antibiotics - oh - and hey - i guess i’ve developed an allergy to that antibiotic (WHAT?). they sent me home with two OTHER antibiotics and said if the red moved outside of this marker line they drew on me to come back in the morning. and it had.  and they gave me another antibiotic that i promptly and painfully found out that i’m terribly allergic to. only to be told to take the antibiotics they gave me in pill form. WHICH I AM ALSO ALLERGIC TO and had to go into the ER for a THIRD time in 48 hours to get treatment for anaphylactic shock. it was fun. and they have no idea what the blood infection was. and all of that led to more depression. so much so that my best friend came into my house to make sure i was ok. i wasn’t returning phone calls or text messages or emails.

blood infection

then came the panic attacks. i was receiving emails and letters from my estranged husband. each and every one caused me to have an alien bursting from my chest episode. i could hardly work and would cry at the drop of a hat. i needed to file for divorce but the mere thought of having to think about him made me spiral into these horrible panic attacks where i felt like my chest was going to explode and i would end up in a lake of tears. it was crippling. i spent a lot of time hiding in my house. avoiding things. avoiding places. avoiding people. going to work was an enormous effort. and i would be so exhausted when i got home i would just want to sleep. and while i could fall asleep, staying asleep never worked because if i woke up for even a few minutes, i would start thinking about what i had to do. that would become completely overwhelming.

and so it went for months. and months. then my friend moved in for a couple of weeks. it was amazing. i felt like i had a purpose. i had to get up every day. i had to make sure the house was clean. i had to be a good roommate. and i wanted to do things with her. having her live there was sort of like having a booster shot of b12 those celebrities get when they are overwhelmed with their schedules. but if you have ever read anything about that kind of thing. it’s very short lived. it gives you a boost, but it isn’t a solution. and that is sort of what happened when she moved out. i fell back into the old habits.

but the healing has started. i think it’s started because i finally filed for divorce and asked that all communication go through my lawyer. there are few emails here and there that still give me panic attacks, but for the most part, i find myself doing things like going to the grocery store regularly. cooking. walking. seeing my friends instead of watching endless amounts of investigation discovery. it’s not perfect and i haven’t quite figured it out, yet. but it sure as hell is better than i felt the first part of 2014. 

and how did i do in 2014 with the Ray Bradbury way? Actually not to feakin’ bad for not finishing. i didn’t have goals for the entirety of all the things i’m about to show you, but i am going to use it. i’m going to improve on what i did. 

Category	# of items	% of goal completed
Poem	30	8%
Short Story	31	8%
Novel	22	183%
Essay	15	8%
Show	25	208%
Story Idea	8	15%
Film	7	13%
Blog	10	100%
Non-Fiction	5	100%
Written Short Story	2	4%
Writing	25	48%

a quick % explanation

• Poems, short stories, and essays were out of 365 (one a day)
• Novels were out of 12 (one a month)
• Shows were out of 12 (one a month)
• Story ideas were out of 52 (one a week)
• Films were out of 52 (one a week)
• Blogs were out of 10 (mostly because i didn’t give it any goals. . . so anything more than 1 was good)
• Non-fiction was out of 5 (because i didn’t have a goal and shit, i did five, so fuck - yeah!)
• Written short stories was out of 52 (one a week - that was ambitious, wasn’t it?)
• Writing - in general i wanted to write every week. . . so, this is out of 52 (at least once a week, right?)

The funny thing is that i was pretty disappointed in myself when i saw how “little” i wrote. so, i went back through all of my writing over the last day, blogs, journals online and written long hand, and letters. oh, the letters i wrote. i actually wrote more tun 40,000 words. that can seem like a lot or a little, depends on who you are (an author might say that is shameful, a non-author may be amazed). the point is, if i say (which is pretty reasonable and accurate) that i didn’t write enough, i should call myself a liar. most paperback books have between 250 and 350 words per page, i wrote the equivalent to a 114 to 160 page paperback book. while it’s not the next american novel - shit - that’s a lot of pages. it’s a lot of words.

not sure if you care, but there were some amazing things I saw, read and wrote. here are some highlights:

• poem - Anna Akhmatova - Drink my soul, as if with a straw. Ciara gave me this author. she's amazing.
• short story - Neil Gaiman - the goldfish pool and other stories. a sad tale about how hollywood just forgets.
• essay - Cynthia Ozick - A drugstore winter - lovely lovely sad story - so reminiscent. 
• novel - John Scalzi - Agent to the stars - just fun. and funny. love this novel.
• shows - too many i love to name - Amanda Palmers book tour (me and a friend sang and cried like there were no tears left on the planet - it broke us open), Blood Countess (my roommate was amazing), Rose's Pawn Shop (best song ever and a great boy introduced it to me), It's a Wonderful Life - omg - I can't pick and there are 21 more. . . .
• Non-Fiction - Kathi Diamont - Kafka's last love. i left her seminar with mascara down my face. amazing.
• writing - well, everything i ever wrote my mother. it's more inspired and amazing than anything i've ever published. 

it helps me think, every day, i’m not horrible. i’m not less than. i am good. i am trying. and some day i’ll get there. i don’t even know where there is, it’s just not here. and i think if i keep striving to be better than now, better than here - that’s something. the second i stop caring, then you need to be worried.

the most significant thing that happened this year (yeah, something more significant than divorce and blood disease happened) is that i turned 40. it was amazing. my parents came (they won't let me show you pictures, but they were adorable and everyone loved them). i had the best time and here's one of the many many days i celebrated. so - onward to the next 40, because, fuck - life can only go up, right?

look! baby wolf

i can’t decide if it’s that i have NADD or if it’s “the trauma” or if it’s my ENFPness. . . but i can’t seem to follow through. i can’t seem to finish. i can’t seem to. . . well, complete a thought without going off the deep end about something else. i feel unfulfilled and tired. i’m unhappy. this manifests itself in so many ways. 

at work, while my list is very detailed and i write one every day, i can’t seem to ever get through the list - it just grows. and i never do it in the order i think it should be done. you know that order. do the hardest thing first because it’ll take the longest, is the hardest, and mostly likely you don’t want to do it. i can’t even figure out why i don’t want to do things. and i only feel worse about it because i am usually the reason it’s on the list. i get these bursts of “yes! this is the idea! this is the thing we should be spending time on.” remember folks, do not come up with an idea unless you are willing to do the work because either no one else cares enough to do it or you know the most about what should be done, so you cannot escape. plus, if you don’t finish things or do things that you bring up that you think are important, you start to look like you can’t do your job. like you can’t finish things.

the kind of concentration it requires for me to stick to my list at all is IMMENSE. i only try to start with five things. just five. anymore and feel like i will not be able to finish them in one day. so five things. but then the meetings start. and the numbers get longer with more digits and higher on the scale from 1 to 100. today alone i know i added 10 things to the list. and that doesn’t even count the things i put down on the bottom of the page to remember to follow up with tomorrow because the things on the list from today need to have responses and then get communicated. . . it’s exhausting. 

and then there are the not-meetings that happen. i love the not-meetings. those are the times when i get those inspirations about what i REALLY should be spending my time on. what our team should be spending their time on. i know this because those not-meetings are with people who believe i can make a difference. those not-meetings are meetings with people ON my team and people that are most definitely NOT on my team. some of them are just people i have come in contact with and  we have connected about an issue we both care about. some of them are mentees. people that sought me out for which they would like to get career and personal growth advice. some of those people are people i used to work with on teams long ago in far away lands (our company is big) talking to me about things we still should be sharing across groups. these not-meetings are the spaces in the day that make anything i do in a big corporation completely worth any reservations i have in my political, moral, ethical, socialist, liberal mind. . . because i am a non-profit junkie and working in corporate america, no matter how good the company is, seems pretty counter to who i probably thought i would be when i grow up. (see what i did there?). anyway - i love the not-meetings. with the not-regular-people-who-aren’t-scheduling-meetings people.

some of those not-regular-people-who-aren’t-scheduling-meetings people are my friends checking in on me for not-meetings. because i am so scattered. because they are worried. because of “the trauma.” i haven’t actually gone into what “the trauma” is, but suffice it to say that if isn’t one thing now, it’s another thing later and by making it “the trauma” in quotes, i give myself a pretty easy way for the find-and-replace functionality in my word processing application. (clearly that needs to be addressed.) 

but even the not-meetings bring up more items to put on the list. today? today, i think there were about three items that were added to the to-do list from a not-meeting. . . i think that means were up to 18 items on the to-do list plus the seven items at the bottom for which i will need to follow up which, of course, will lead to more items in later days for which i will need to communicate about.  what’s that? 25 items. i started with 5. how many did i do?

today was a banner day, actually. i had to work really really hard at it. lots of deep breaths. if you know me, you know that the deep breaths are hard too because they make me want to punch something. the fact that i even need to do deep breaths is actually why i want to punch something. not the actual breathing. unfortunately, it helps, which makes me annoyed. hence the desire to practice unmitigated fight club shit. but back to how many i finished. well, after re-reading the list multiple times, one had to be crossed off due to it’s duplication of another item. that left 24 things. the seven follow up items did not get completed because i was trying not to get distracted and moving on to the other things on the list. that left 14 items. i know i didn’t do two specific tasks because 1) i feel like i shouldn’t really be doing it at work since it seems like funish projects. . . and creative. . . and gifty. and 2) because they are both really really hard and labor-intensive. that leaves 12 items.  i did 10 of them. and there were some pretty hard things on them. . . just not as hard as the two i didn’t do. the other two items where just. . . not “hot” enough to give them attention. besides. i was exhausted by the time i got those 10 items checked off of the list. 

did i mention, that not only did i get 10 items checked off on my list, but i attended five 1-hour meetings and three 30-minute or less not-meetings (that’s a low not-meeting number, actually). i also had lunch which means i only worked 8 hours today. i could have worked 9 - i have an extra hour to spend downtown today, so i could be working an extra hour. . . like on the hard thing. but i’m not. because i couldn’t concentrate anymore. i couldn’t think about work one more second. i was even given a great white paper to read on bright spots (a pet buzz wordy type idea that comes from one of my favorite business books called Switch: how to make change when change is hard) but i couldn’t even concentrate to read that.

but i could concentrate enough to come up with what i wanted to write about. but i never write anything anymore. because of “the trauma” - or maybe it’s my ENFPness. . . or my self esteem, or my NADD or  - HEY - LOOK!  BABY WOLF.  yeah. . .

look at that - i just patted myself on the back for getting 10 to-dos done and having six and half hours of meetings in one 8-hour work day. but i did it by telling you what i DIDN’T do. . . or why what i didn’t do should have been done first. i even just told you about not writing. except that i am. i am writing right now. in the lunchroom at work. but i never feel like i am writing. i am distracted ALWAYS (they teach you to never say “always” and “never” in business, but i figured since i’m not talking about work anymore, i can break that rule.

even now, i wanted to listen to music, but couldn’t get the music i wanted to listen to to work and i didn’t want to not listen to music, so i just went looking for music. without finishing a thought. without finishing a sentence or a paragraph - i just started doing something else. it’s INFURIATING. (in case you didn’t catch that i actually went back and finished that paragraph and sentence, i did. thank god for the editing process)

but work isn’t the only place i never feel like i finish anything. i just don’t anywhere in life. 

i wrote to my mom about a week ago asking her if i ever finished anything. well, writing is a strong word. i texted her. i never did get an answer. when we finally talked to each other, all we could do was catch up and talk about things and get distracted by thoughts that were spawned by previous things. . . so. . . i’ll have to ask her again.

the point is, i never finish anything. or at least it doesn’t feel like it. i become paralyzed. right now i’m paralyzed by fear of failure to even write anything on my novel. i’m so distracted that i’ve written several blog postings and taken a few notes here and there about ideas.  i’ve mapped out a story arc of some story that i may want to tell some day. and at writing group last week, i remembered a story i need to write that was inspired by a dream my mom told me about. it’s a beautiful story and i have tons of ideas and everyone at group was really excited about it. yet, i have not put one word to page about it (except here). it’s terrifying that it won’t be what it is supposed to be. it’s beautiful in my mind. if i could just rent out my mind for you to see the story, it would be so much easier.

i have distracted myself from writing and doing and being and from what will really help me feel satisfied. the distraction is made up of watching endless episodes of criminal minds (if you knew how many seasons i went through in a week you’d wonder about my sanity). it’s made up of watching movies, reading books (Amy Poehler’s Yes Please is amazing and she’s my spirit animal right now), going to plays (Blood Countess - a must see before it goes!), hanging out and singing karaoke, planning and attending happy hours and brunches. it’s all quite wonderful, of course, but it sure as shit isn’t getting any of my stories written. i’m not cleaning my house, which is essential to my happiness. an orderly clean house is a happy house for me. except here, i am, writing. right now.

 i’m feeling this shift. a shift bringing order. a shift towards starting to care about being happy rather than just laying on the couch watching endless amounts mindless crime drama. i’ve graduated to fight club, seven, avp, sophie’s choice, and insomnia. . . not exactly a recipe for happiness, except it works for me. they help me get into the writing cave. it’s dark in there and sometimes pretty awful, but so so productive. i’m even impressed that i am close to finishing this as a blog posting.

my home list is getting longer, but this week was the first time i actually crossed anything off of it in about. .. two months. it’s things like -) take willie to the vet -)buy cat litter -) do the dishes -) finish divorce shit (hint. . .part of "the trauma") - and then there is the more complicated and repetitive things on the list like, -) write daily morning pages -) find ways to focus -) don’t be a dick to your best friends -) do one push up a day. . . these are harder and i haven’t started them. well, i’m trying really hard at the don’t be a dick one. it could be going better, but it is the most important one so i’m keeping at it.

and so the shift continues every day. this weekend i will have written another 1,000 words, crossed off things on the list that will take guilt bricks away, and generally feel. . . less like my body can’t get out of bed. i’m pretty sure i will never be able to not get distracted. i’m trying to accept that it’s part of my charm. but i do, like the rest of humanity, like to tick off accomplishments. i like to turn around and say - hey - look, i did that.

so - hey, look - i wrote this blog.

p.s. - the research to put baby wolf pictures in here made for a very long and adorable distraction. . . i highly recommend searching the intertubes for baby wolves

A big YEAR

I was thinking about my last 12 months and trying to figure out what I had been doing because I felt lazy (again).  I often pontificate about my penchant for procrastination (see this post) which I think must be annoying to you that follow my goings on, but I do often feel this way.  But after I took a look at what I had done over the year, I found that I was anything but lazy.

I started off the year vowing to retire from theater. . . and then started rehearsals for Cabaret.  To be fair, this is a show I wanted to do - NEEDED to do.  It was a gig working with Terri Weagant.  Who doesn't want to do that?  NO ONE - I love her and I loved her vision of a story I had never heard (do not judge me for never having seen it before).  In addition, it was a gig working with Jesse McNeece who had done the music for Rocky Horror (another show I had never seen) (oh and he's in this band).  Jesse's Rocky Horror will always be MY Rocky Horror and no other.  I can't even listen to that other stuff.  It is now the same with Cabaret.  It was an amazing time with amazing people.  One of the highlights of this particular show as seeing Gary Zinter perform.  I had been by his side as his right hand woman for many show before, but had not seen him perform like this - not ever.  And it was EPIC.  EPIC people.  Then. . . then there was the fantastical Monica Wulzen. . . shit - if you heard her Sally Bowles you would never want to listen to Liza Minelli again - WAIT WAIT - I CAN SHOW YOU!!

And if being with four of my favorite artists (and people) wasn't enough, I met some amazing artists through the process and got to work with some people I have loved for years.  If I could find links for them, I put them

Josh Hartvigson
Rebecca Davis
Todd Hull
Daniel Wood
Kayla Walker
Tadd Morgan
Brett Brennan
Peter Farrar
Mckenna Turner
Kacey Shiflet
Marquetta Miller
Julia Griffin
Joan Jankowski
Cole Stevens
Kate Moore - she makes my hair beautiful!
Sara Porkalob
Cassidy Katims
Christine Denker
Anita Goodmann
Jeffery Henry
ArtStar Charlatan
Rodney Shrader
Emma Hassett
Julia Evanovich - a most fantastical artist with vision I wish I had
Jordan Christianson - most fracking talented wonderful awesome man who made me a princess superhero

During that experience, I also decided, after having seen myself in some pictures, lost 20lbs.  I worked hard at it and used something called the HCG diet.  It's not for everyone, but it worked for me.  And I've kept the weight off (except these last 5lbs during the holiday season) off for the whole year.  I have info on this diet if you are interested.

While I was working on Cabaret, Jesse suggested this thing called Kickstarter (something Monica had tried to get me to look into for a year before - sorry Monica!!).  And I fell in love.  We raised more than $2000 for Cabaret through crowd-funding.  I have, to this date, helped fund more than 17 projects for different artists.  I LOVE IT!  Many of my friends have been recipients of some of the kickstarter items.  I think Rick Simon has a wallet, Ciara a small art box, Alan is getting something later in the year and my husband has some art we'll be hanging on the wall.  It's amazing.
This is how I met Amanda Palmer (well, met her metaphorically anyway).  Meeting AFP was the most flood gate opening avalanche of inspiration I ever experienced. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you that Amanda Fucking Palmer is pretty much the only music that I've listened to since June.  It's a bit embarrassing.  But in addition to loving her music, she is really the reason I've done all the OTHER stuff in my life in the past 6 months.  She inspired me.  Everyone (all you wonderful friends) have told me the whole time that I'm talented and worth it and I should go after what I want, but until I heard Amanda Palmer, I didn't believe it.
The thing is, she does this for almost every person that she meets, every person that listens to her music, every person that she's touched in some way or another.  If you read her blog, you will be amazed at her life, her strength, her friends, her fans, her music, and the karmic bank account she holds.  She is living the life I wanted as a younger me but was just too afraid to live.  Maybe I put her too much up on the pedestal, but honestly, I needed something to kick me in the pants.  And maybe it wasn't just Amanda Palmer that was the catalyst for the life I feel like I live and love now.

I guess I was searching. . . after Cabaret, I retired from theater.  No one believes that I actually retired, but other than doing a fantastic and awesome show for my friend Mitzy Sixx for her birthday (at ReBar), I ACTUALLY retired.  I have not done any shows since.  I haven't been asked either, but I also haven't gone looking for them.  I wanted to follow my own creative path.

So, how does this lead to AFP unleashing the creative explosion in me?  Well, I didn't know where to focus my energy or time.  I sewed and knitted.  I made myself a dress, some reusable shopping bags, more fingerless gloves (and despite what my husband says, I only have three pairs now).  I thought about making everyone's christmas gift (this did not happen).  But I got bored and did not have the patience.

My next move was volunteering for Noise for the Needy.  It's a great group that chooses a different deserving organization and who doesn't want to go to see local bands play?  I met a great group of people and went to several venues I had never been to before.  It was quite fun to be on the volunteering end where I just showed up, did as they asked and then went home.  I didn't have to organize anyone! I would love to do it again.

I also met a whole new group of people and at least one Wednesday a month is totally worth it. It is the Bus Stop Dub Club; a club where people who like music get together and tell each other about music they like.  Jesse invited me and I was a bit nervous because the people in it are DJs and people that work at music venues and musicians and stuff. . . and then there's me, a person who just likes music.  But I should not have been afraid. They are lovely, inviting, and sometimes they even like my music.  The best part about that night is that they play your playlist in the bar (it makes me feel famous)!

There is one thing that I haven't really talked about that I've done in the last 4 months.  Mostly because you might show up if I told you about it.  It is way easier to do it when you are anonymous in a room full of strangers.  I've been doing a couple of these events called "storytelling".  They give you a theme, the story must be true, it must have happened to you and you are not allowed to use notes.  And then people come and listen to you tell stories. It's amazing.  And I've performed.  More than once.  And no one has booed (they aren't the booing type). So. . . I may keep doing that.  And keep not telling you.

So, I was volunteering and doing other cool things, but still searching for something.  And that's when Ciara emailed me and asked me if I wanted to walk a marathon.  TOTAL INSANITY.  So, I said yes, walked a 5K, two 10Ks, a 1/2 marathon and the marathon (I talked about here).  The point is that I was "looking for something".  Each of the walk training sessions was with AFP and her music and lyrics just spoke to me. And I let loose!  The rest of the year was a crazy flurry of things to do and see and create.

Amanda Palmer was in the news everywhere for her Kickstarter Campaign being so successful.  That lead to articles on crowd-funding in general.  I had been successful myself with the Cabaret campaign and decided I was going to put the theory that it could work to the test.  I crowd-funded a sponsorship for a table at the University District Food Bank Auction this year.  It's an auction I love (it's awesome and involves amazing people - I'm talking about you Megan Knight) and go to every year. Through the love, kindness, and caring of people I know and people I don't know, it was successful.  I talked about it earlier this year here and here.

That was an amazing fantastical time and it made me believe in myself and the humanity of others and now I didn't want to stop! And it was political season.  Historically, I tell people, if you don't vote, you don't get to complain.  So, this particular year was important to me for the presidential campaign - I didn't care WHO you voted for (well, I did. .. but I'm not going to hate you because of who you believe in), as long as you voted.  I had never been "involved" in the political campaigns but this year, I went and donated to several political campaigns.  If you don't think you can affect your government, you are wrong, local government and local government officials can be the change you want.  In this new endeavor (thank you Megan Knight) I met Noel Frame, who is an amazing amazing, amazing woman.  And although she didn't win I know she will do great things in the future.  I hope to see her out there again and I will donate again.  Please read about the awesome things this woman does.

Meeting people like Noel and listening to her made me want to do even more.  So, I volunteered to phone bank for Washington United for Marriage.  It was an amazing expereience where I called people in Washington State and talked to them about ensuring that all Americans have the equal rights and one of those rights is marriage.  I even managed to convince someone that they would think about voting to make it legal for everyone (at the beginning he was telling me how he would NEVER vote for it, so talking him into a place where he'd even think about it seemed like a victory).  And guess what, my state, has decided that every person has the right to marry any person they love.  I made a difference.

Speaking of marriage - I also celebrated my 1 year anniversary married to Mikal and got to go on my Honeymoon to Turkey!  Turkey is beautiful and my time there was amazing.  There is so much to tell about Turkey, I couldn't possibly do it here, but here are some pictures and a funny posting about their TV (so interesting).

Turkey Day 2

I was in Turkey when my Amanda Palmer album dropped.  I spent about an hour trying to download it on my ipad (it was the only musical device I had with me since Mikal wouldn't let me bring the iphone).  This hour seriously delayed my ass sitting on the beach time for the day.  But it was COMPLETELY worth the wait.  Check it out here, if you want - it's pay what you want - I would pay at the high level EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  And that's just ONE of the things that is cool about her - she knows we all can't afford that.

I was happy. . . there are pictures.

When I got back, two very significant things happened.  1) I applied AND GOT IN to "writing school".  and 2) I saw Amanda Palmer in concert (and word a fucking fantastical outfit made by the lovely and ridiculously talented Jordan Christanson).  These are two things that cannot be explained in 1 paragraph each.  They both deserve their own postings and gods willing I stick to my new year's resolutions, you will see in the future.

And while that was all happening, I saw some shows - great shows, fun shows, shows with my peeps, shows with my step-daughter, shows with my husband, shows I talk about, shows that I don't talk about, shows.  Here are some of my favorite shows I saw this past year.

• Mama Mia
• Bloc Party
• First Date
• Elf
• Legally Blonde
• {title of show}
• Wicked

I am ending this year with excitement for next year.  If the last 12 months of my life doesn't say some cool shit, then I should just stop trying. . . but 1) COOL SHIT and 2) it's not in my nature.

Can wait to tell you more tales in 2013.

Elf - The Musical a review

On October 6th, Mikal and I went to the University District Food Bank Aloha Auction.  In case you forgot, I helped crowdfund to sponsor a table at the event.  While we were there (it was a total blast), we got some stuff (as you might expect, it was an auction and all. . .).  Some of it was pretty standard and I do every time anyway.  And some came as kind of a surprise.

A SURPRISE ????  How could that be? you wonder - I mean, at an auction you must raise your paddle to get something or write your paddle number on a sheet of paper.  Well, yes, you do.  And I did do that. . .and so did Mikal.  And then there was some wine or something.  And sometimes there is some confusion when you yourself sign your number but then have your spouse go check to see if you won and they think you meant a different one. .. so you think you lost the auction item and then bid on other things. . . and that means you end up with a whole STAYCATION package - which includes a night at the Sheraton, dinner at Gordon Biersch and tickets to Elf - The Musical at the 5th Avenue Theater.  When at first this seems like the end of the world because you spent more than you THOUGHT you did at the end of the night, this actually turns out to be a really cool fun thing.  

my house in elf form

Ok - so you're with me on why I was at Elf - The Musical on Saturday evening.  Plus - if we are friends on Facebook or you follow me on Twitter, you've seen my weird obsession with Elf and having my house full of paper snowflakes and garland (much to my husband's dismay at the amount of paper I have used). 

If you don't know the story (you've been living in a cave), Buddy the elf was an orphan as a child and one Christmas Eve, when Santa was delivering presents, he crawled into Santa's sack of toys.  Santa didn't notice until he got back to the North Pole and he and the elves decide to raise him as one of their own.  Buddy grows and grows and becomes so much bigger than everyone else with only basketball as his "special" elf talent.  He finds out he's human and decides to go into the city to find his real dad.  This does not go well.  His dad is a jerk and Buddy is banned from his father's building.  In his subsequent adventures, he meets a special pretty girl, falls in love, wins over his dad's family, ruins his dad's career, finds Santa's sleigh and helps save Christmas for all of the world - the bonus is that he also puts the spirit of Christmas back into his lady friend and his dad.  It all ends very happily.

The musical version of the movie follows pretty closely.  There are some scenes where the movie was directly quoted and directly sung from, "I'm singing, I'm in a store and I'm singing" and the response, "hey, there's no singing in the store" with the ensuing fight about the "big guy".  So, the cute factor was off the scale to WAY CUTE.  I mean, I love Elf.  I love this movie.  It makes me love Christmas.

But the production?  It was good.  I'm a stage manager, so there were some things that drove me crazy, but overall, it was very cute.  There were two major highlights - Buddy the Elf, played by Matt Owen and the opening song of Act II, Nobody Cares about Santa.

Matt Owen (after a good hour of searching google, I found very little information on this Seattle-born but LA dwelling actor) plays then incomprehensibly happy and optimistic Buddy the Elf. I actually thought several times during the show, "how on earth can someone be so happy?", "maybe he's super depressed during intermission or away from the show", "there's no way someone can be that happy all the time, it just is impossible."  He was great.  I read an article at some point about how he wanted to make Buddy his own Buddy and not copy what Will Ferrell did in the movie.  I think he succeeds here. I mean, Buddy in the movie is happy and full of Christmas cheer, but because it's Will Ferrell, you don't *exactly* believe it.  Matt Owen makes you believe - believe in Christmas, believe in Santa, and believe in syrup on spaghetti.

A very close second to Matt's Buddy is the opening number in Act II - Nobody Cares about Santa.  It's an excellent song full of tired men (and one woman - funny Cynthia Jones) who have played Santa all season long.  The season has come to an end and they are all having dinner at the only place open on Christmas, a Chinese restaurant. The song is catchy but mostly it's fun and kind of bluesy.  The best part is when the choreography (kudos to Denis Jones) gives us a chorus line of Santas doing pelvic thrusts to the beat.  It's pretty adorable (even though, I'm sure this doesn't sound adorable).  Anyway, it was the highlight of the night.

Overall, the musical is the movie with a couple of tweaks to make it stage ready and some songs that are actual songs and not Will Ferrell being Will Ferrell.  There are some catchy parts of songs, but nothing except the Nobody Cares about Santa song that really catches your attention and holds it.  So, without a hugely inventive script (it's the movie for the stage) and some catching tunes, it's really the production that makes the show.  

The show starts out with Santa.  He's a good Santa, except, I felt he was yelling his lines.  I know it's theater, but he was mic'd so he didn't need to yell.  But the show gets instantly better when you see the production choice next taken.  Elves.  Elves that are not played by little people.  Elves that are played by regular people, but with shoes on their knees.  It was hilarious.  It was brilliant.  It was adorable.  It really brought you into thinking that Buddy really was bigger than everyone else.

Some terrible staging and acting occurs right before Buddy is sent off on his trip on the ice glacier.  But the set design into the big city kind of makes up for that.  It's an art deco kind of design and the color scheme is inexplicably, but really cool and subtle purple.  I didn't notice at first, but then I realized that there is a color scheme that denotes the city - it's purple.  And I liked it.  Then you listen to some unremarkable songs and watch some things you don't remember.  

Then you're at the store where you meet Cynthia Jones' Store Manager, "She's singing. She's singing in the store." There's a pretty cute introduction to Jovie, but her part isn't that big in the show, so despite her pretty voice, she's not what you're watching.  But I was watching the clever set design with the ladders that end up as green tinseled wreathed Christmas Trees with Jovie wearing an adorable lighted star hat.

Another stand out that I'm just remembering is the kid who plays Michael, Buddy's younger brother.  I'm actually not sure if he was portrayed by Noah Barr or Grayson Smith.  I'll go out on a limb and say Grayson Smith.  Either way, the kid has some pipes and the singing was really good.  He was a bit nervous on stage and clearly needs some practice being out there in front of a load of people, but the boy has some chops.  His rendition of I'll Believe in You made me tear up.

The rest of the act was pretty unremarkable for me.  This is where Rodney gets to say what he said on Facebook about an hour before I left - 

Then, like I mentioned before, enter in the best tired Santas in the business.  With this opener, it really made me glad to be back (even though there were 3 people around me that left at intermission). Poor Jovie is forgotten, Buddy helps his dad sell a book (well almost) and Christmas is saved (this is where I teared up again).  My only real "stage manager problem" was the snow - man, the blower was loud and kind of seemed like it didn't happen in the right spot.  But - eh - it's live theater - that's what we stage managers live for.

The tickets were great (thanks @udistfoodbank)!  We were in row N in seats 111 and 112 which meant that my glasses actually worked for me. I love going to musicals and I'm glad I saw this one at least one time.  I would normally want to try to go again if I fell in love, but I'm a bit sad to say, I love the movie already, so the musical, though fun to see, was good just once for me.  If you're into Christmas and you have some kids - totally go - it's cute and will put you in a good mood and make you love Christmas even just a little bit (even if your kids are driving you mad and you hate this season).  It's not high brow and you won't go home thinking it's the best thing you ever saw, but the 5th Avenue does it as much justice as can be done.

Cocktails at the Centre of the Earth - Review

Most of the time I go to the theater, I spend a huge amount of time evaluating every little thing about the production.  Less about the performance and direction of the performance and more about the lighting or how the show comes off from a stage management perspective.  Why?  Well. . . I'm a stage manager, so I am always interested in how other stage managers make a show go well.  Our jobs are to make the performance go well and look good!

I have to say - when I watched Cocktails at the Centre of the Earth, written and directed by Simon Astor, I did no such thing.  This tells me two things - 1) the Stage Manager rocked (I subsequently learned she does) and 2) the show rocks!  I rarely enjoy a show and just have fun - rare (and I even mean when I go to a huge production like Mama Mia or the like).

In the interest of full disclosure, I do know Simon Astor and several of the performers involved.  I am, perhaps, biased, and that is probably a huge reason for why I attended.  However, my bias does not outweigh the sheer delight I had watching the show.

I am not all that familiar with the steampunk sub-genre except for the cool looking outfits I see when it's a steampunk pub crawl on Capitol Hill, so this glimpse into their world was quite fun!  The story takes you on boats and blimps (or the steampunk equivalent word), under water and ultimately to the centre of the earth.  There are the elite, the wanna-be elite, the educated and inventive, the hard working blue collar workers, the competing performance artists (you'll see what I mean), the oppressed, a real robot and clouds  and sea horses.  You thinking, can that actually make any sense?  YES!

AND IT'S FUN!!!!

Not only is it fun, it's clever, silly and a good time.  The music, done by Meg van Huygen (whom I know as a friend, but didn't know was a talented musician/composer) complimented the clever dialog and itself was clever and interesting.  It isn't every day you listen to music where an accordion is center stage and good!  The band also backed several musical numbers (see, I'm telling you - FUN!) where several really talented vocalists were showcased.  Yes, an accordion backed some rockin' vocals.  Clearly Simon and Meg know how each other thinks.  This added tremendously to my enjoyment.

It's a huge cast.  In fact, when I was perusing the playbill prior to the performance, I thought, how am I going to keep them all straight?  But, again, the clever writing helped me right through my trepidation.  There are too many I liked so here are a few big stand outs for me.  Jonah Martin was hilarious.  He plays about a thousand people, or really one person with a thousand names in several places.  He cracked me up every time the scene changed and he came on stage.  I really did look forward to the beginning of each scene because of his performance.  Katherine Karaus (Patricia) and Monica Wulzen (Dovecote) play perfect bad girl team beauties. Katherine's innocent, adorable bad girl persona was spot on while Monica's dedicated, sexy bad girl persona will give you the chills when she sings (yep, she sings - it's hot!). Kai Curtis' silent movie skills were phenomenal and Todd Hull, Josh Hartvigston, and Laurel Ryan get huge props for their comedic timing.

There are so many things I didn't tell you about this show (talking foxes, peas, a doctor named bunny, oh and BURLESQUE - to name a few) that you'll need to attend to consume some Cocktails at the Centre of the Earth (and btw - Annex's cocktails were good AND apropos).