Raise your fist with me

Over the new year weekend, I received an email from a friend who used to work for me years ago and was starting the following Monday to work for me again. But it wasn’t about work. It was about who she thinks I am.

It was an email with 41 words and a link. But the most important thing about the email was that she thought this was a thing I would/should (probably more would than should) do.

The end of my 2015 sucked ass. I got sick and spent the weekend before Christmas in the ER and was down for the count for two weeks. I couldn’t leave my bed or my bathroom. Colitis sucks, people.

And then at the beginning of the year,I lost my last cat, my 19 year old companion. I’d lived with her longer than I’d lived with anyone else, even my parents. So, shit was bad, and I hated everything and felt like I hadn’t done anything last year. It was awful. . . But this thing. This thing happened.

It was called www.yearcompass.com. I didn’t look at it over that weekend, but then I looked at it Monday morning, the first Monday of the month, January 4th. How was I going to shape my year? And dude, like I said before, I did SHIT the year before, so there is no reason to look back. I didn’t even write a blog about what I had accomplished for 2015 over the weekend because it seemed like I hadn’t done anything. And I always write something about the year before. And I was sure I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. But then on Monday, the 4th, I read about this booklet.

I told my friend that I would totally do this and would she do it with me and could I write it out and share it with her and would she share hers with me. We agreed.

The next 4 days I spent time doing this “The Year Ahead” booklet. But the first page taught me everything I think about myself is wrong. I am not lazy. I am not terrible. I am not a loser. The irony of these words does not escape me. I mean, every year for the last few years I write the same thing. . . “I’m so lazy. I don’t do anything. But wait. I did do things. Lots of things. Why do I always think I’m such a slag?”

This past year, 2015, is no different.

The first page tells you to consider the following: “Go through last year’s calendar week by week. If you see an imporTant event, family gathering, friendly get-together or significant project, write it down here.”

I didn’t have enough room.

I finished a tarot class
I started a writing group, where one of the writers finished a book
I met Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker at my writing conference
I saw Rose’s Pawn Shop
I stayed overnight with Simon playing games and telling stories about the slumperflurfer that lived under the couch and needed carrots - and every time it got carrots gave a kissing fit to laughing boys
I saw Amanda Fucking Palmer in Vancouver (I’d never been) with all of her TED TALK friends!!
I played smashputt!
I did Lauren’s hair and makeup for prom. She wanted to be cinderella and had a dress to match
I walked a marathon
I went to the women’s world cup
I attended a women’s conference and was inspired; meeting Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker (who does that???)
I stage managed Gary’s 50th birthday and had the fucking time of my life and loved on Gary and Rodney
I orchestrated a winning sock drive for homeless
I watched ET with Ciara. . . Watching movies with her is a healing experience.
I had two bouts of anaphylactic shock that left me on the couch for three total weeks - but it didn’t kill me - so fuck you antibiotics
I finalized my divorce
I went to see March4th and loved on Shannon and Shelia
I attended Derek and Kristin’s wedding, re-connecting with my soul twin Kelly
I lost 20lbs
I told a story as part of an event about my amazing familyship with Ciara
I got Colitis
An employee came back to work for me
I took a road trip to Montana in a corvette
I went to Florida in JULY to hang with my family. And it was amazing and fantastic, reminding me that despite my closed offness, they heal me.
I lost my Willie
I visited Alistair’s family for Doug’s 70th birthday and was reminded how much I belong
I celebrated my and Jennifer’s birthday with oreo cakes
I rooted for the Green Bay Packers at a playoff game with the Seahawks and kept all my friends
I discovered Kat Robicoud
I hired a life coach
I hired an assistant
I stage managed The Lion in Winter and could not be prouder of this production
I wrote more than 50K words.
I asked for help


There were 8 more pages that asked me to relive my most important events, accomplishments, avoidances, challenges, risks,fears,favorite things, people that helped me and that I helped, made me realize what I needed to forgive and let go, and helped me boil my last year into a book title with three themes: learning, change and asking.

The book title to 2015?

The Fool’s Journey.

Don’t judge. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t. Look up the Fool/Tarot.

And then came the planning for 2016.

I am not a planner. . . Not in anyone’s imagination.

But, despite this depression (getting colitis and being in the ER during the week of Christmas and your birthday and then losing your 19 year old cat a two weeks later will totally fuck with you and help you right into the darkness of depression), it gave me hope. It made me smile. It inspired me.

The first thing it asked me was this: What does the year ahead of you look like? What will happen in an ideal case? Why will it be great? Write, Draw, let go of your expectations and dare to dream.

My answer?

Hopeful. Full of family and travel and writing and friends and change. I will leap. I will step off the sidewalk to see what it is like off the path. I will give myself, all the way, to the universe. I will hide nothing, be shamed by nothing. I will close my eyes, throw back my head and my arms out wide to let the universe fill all the space with no apologies. And when I fall, I’ll get back up by asking my loves to give me a hand.

And then I remembered I was going to share this with another person. It was terrifying and I realized I had committed to telling another person of all my failures. But then I looked at my dare to dream statement. How could I NOT share this with her. I had declared my unabashed vuneralbility. I would start out the year being a fraud if I didn’t share it with anyone.

And so I will live it. I believe that stating these things to me. Stating these things to you will inspire, compel and propel me to that. And I’ve shared that statement of dream to many people. Close people and not close people. I want to be free to declare myself always. And so I do.

I am brave
I am courageous
I am vulnerable
I am fragile
I am strong
I am fallible
I am trusting
I am trustworthy
I am worthy

I give myself to the universe.

I believe the universe will give right back.

I know that I can lift my fist in the air and say
Fuck yes.
I am here.
I love.
I am loved.
I see you.
We are connected.

AND I SAY TO ALL MY PEOPLE (you know who you are - I love you):
FUCK YES
YOU ARE HERE
I AM HERE
WE LOVE EACH OTHER
WE ARE LOVED BY EACH OTHER
THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME
WE ARE CONNECTED

Here is to 2016.

p.s. I share with her tomorrow. And I’m not afraid. oh, and here are some pictures https://goo.gl/photos/AVsD66XPUbshyHhFA

battling the nothing

i keep thinking that it'll just end. the depression. but it sometimes i think it gets better and sometimes i know it gets worse and i have a hard time figuring out what is keeping it from going away. and i ignore myself and even the depression, like it will just get up and walk away from me.

i'm afraid of my computer. i haven't written in two months and it's killing me. i have tons of things going through my brain and a hundred ideas of things that i want to write down, but if i even look at my computer i get a knot in my chest right at the breast plate. i don't blog. i don't post on facebook. i don't write tweets. i don't share. i don't talk. i fall into the hole and i don't even think there is a light up there.

sometimes it's because i have several things i promised i would do and i'm not doing them.  it's not the only thing, nor even the biggest thing, but it is something that makes me fall further down the hole. sometimes it's the fact that i am not talking to important people in my life. . . and i'm not - i'm ignoring them too. . .

do you know how long it took me to write that sentence? 10 minutes. i could lie and say it's because i was distracted by another movie i'm watching, but if i'm being truthful, i don't want it to be true. and why do i not do these things? because getting out of bed is hard. really hard. then making it through the day at work is harder. and then i'm exhausted when i get home. i barely make it to 8:30 when i'm home. barely. . . i go to bed. i sleep. and sleep. and sleep.

sometimes, if i wake in the middle of the night and one of those things i'm not doing comes up in my brain, i spin. out of control. . . and then i don't sleep. i just hate myself. i think of all the ways it could just go away - and these are not good things. they are destructive and . . . final . . . cowardly . . . cowardly in all the ways they could be cowardly.

do you know how embarrassing it is to say any of this? do you know how embarrassing it is to feel any of this? i'm ashamed to feel this. i'm ashamed to not be doing these things. i'm ashamed to admit it to you and, really, i'm ashamed and afraid to admit it to me. but i know if i don't, it will eat me. it will be like the nothing.  do you know the nothing? i learned what it was when i was 10 and felt it the first time when i was 32 and even more now that i'm 38. . .

i know this is weird, but suddenly, i realized how much The NeverEnding Story can help explain this. . . maybe this seems childish - but don't children often speak the truths adults talk around?  so, here is how i feel.

Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?

G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!

my world was dying, i was dying - i was forgetting my hopes and dreams and the things i wanted to do and be and getting out of bed was harder and harder and harder. the nothing had control. and it was so dark. 

and then. . . 

Bastian: Why is it so dark?

The Childlike Empress: In the beginning, it is always dark.

i asked for help. . . and i was afraid . . . but then, there were these people that care about me. people that tell me how much i mean to them and how much i've helped them and affected them. people that want to help me - they were patient. . .

Atreyu: What will happen if he doesn't appear?

The Childlike Empress: Then our world will disappear - and so will I.

Atreyu: How could he let that happen?

The Childlike Empress: He doesn't understand that he's the one who has the power to stop it. He simply can't imagine that one little boy could be that important.

Bastian: Is it really me?

Atreyu: Maybe he doesn't know what he has to do!

Bastian:  What DO I have to do?

in the same way i cared about them, they helped me see that i needed to care about me. and talk to them. and ask for more help. and not be ashamed. this part is hard - i am often ruled by shame. so much so, that i've had a lot of time to think about that word, shame. what does it mean? why do i feel it? why can it control me?

At the end of The NeverEnding Story (for those of you who have not seen it), Bastian starts making wishes - wishes for himself, wishes for his friends, wishes for a better world.

I don't know if I'm making wishes, but I AM doing things.  I'm getting up. I'm talking to my friends. I'm sharing with you. I'm walking. I'm writing.  I'm slowing doing the things I haven't been doing. These seem to be like Bastian's wishes. So - the light is brighter the closer I get to the top. And I don't feel so empty or awful or as ashamed (I'm still working on that one).

I wish I had words for the people that have helped, but I'm not sure I do - if I could take the feeling in my heart for them and give it to you so you can feel it too - that would be easier than trying to explain. I've said things to them like, "my heart has grown three sizes," or  "fuck yes - this," or "wow, thank you." I've cried to and with them, I've tried to give them gifts that explain how big my heart is and how grateful I feel for them.  I don't know if any of these things are adequate - but I will keep trying. I know they would all say that I do not need to, but the good thing about having control is that I get to decide.  I get to decide to never forget how wonderful the people in my life are. I get to decide to get up tomorrow and say - YES - and maybe I'll even get to ride a dragon. . . 

the power failure has over me and how you make me brave

I dreamed about Kim last night

A 4-year-old hugged me around the legs this morning

They are brave

They inspire me to be brave

Are there things you should not share?  Probably, and there are things I will not share with you. . . and some of you will be shocked I shared some of this.  Others of you will be glad I shared these things.  Some might be angry I shared them.  It’s hard to know the right amount. . .and the right level. . .

I am a machine – I am efficient and get shit done, or at least, I like to think so (and honestly other people think this of me too, it’s just hard to admit).  This week someone got to remind me I’m not a machine.  On Friday, I received an email from someone who works in my group about how he was happy to know I’m human and how after 23 days of not responding to an email, he smiled because it meant I wasn’t a machine . . . and because he was right . . . which makes me wrong . . . a state in which I prefer to not be.

This makes me feel like a failure.  Failure = Disappointment.  Disappointment is one of my buttons.  You push that button and I become inconsolably depressed (Oreos and Doritos were involved last night, which means I must be improving because normally it would have included alcohol). This email was not the only thing that made me feel like a failure, just a good way to show you an example.

So this morning, I started writing a list of all the things for which I was a failure (and I only had to go back a month). I had written 556 words and 41 items when I decided I needed to go to breakfast (because, oddly, I was feeling better).  Two very important things happened then.

1. I met my neighbor, Dan and his 4-year-old daughter, Isabella, in the hallway.  She is ADORABLE.  Dan said, “say hi to kp.”  Isabella proceeded to run down the hallway to me and yell, “hi kp, hi kp, hi kp.” Over and over and over.  Dan and I chatted a few minutes about an incident regarding our building and graffiti while Isabella spent the entire time saying “kp, kp, kp, kp, kp, kp”.  She was standing very close to my legs and looking up at me when I finally got to say, “what Isabella?” She couldn’t remember what she wanted to tell me, but then found something to tell me about.  She talked for about 5 minutes and Dan then told her to say goodbye so I could “get on with my life.”  Then it happened. . . the medicine I needed.  She put her arms around my knees and turned her cheek to my legs and ever so lightly hugged me.  It made my heart swell so much.
2. I left the building and went to Linda’s for breakfast. I hoped against hope that I would be able to have breakfast in peace because I thought that’s what I needed.  But instead Dan (a different Dan) and his friend (I cannot believe I forgot his name) asked me how I was.  I answered honestly, “getting better”. . . but something happened then.  The three of us started to talk and I really enjoyed it.  I wanted to know about them and I felt interested.  They were great, nothing crazy to make me remember WHY they made me feel better, but they did.  I want to thank them for cheering me up.  Helping push Isabella’s hug even further.

I came back home and started writing more on my list of things for which I hate myself.  I called my mom, no one answered.  I could read in to this  (and likely would have before this morning) but they could honestly be out.  So, I left a voicemail (which I hate doing) and said, “Hi, it’s Kristin, I love you, I’m sorry and I hope we can talk soon.” Calling her is on my list.

I think I might be able to get up in the morning with less difficulty because of this list.  Everyone in my life loves me so much and wants me to be happier and many of them would do anything they could. . . and some of them have.

I must tell you there are two people who made this list happen and would never know. . . my writing teacher and one of my fellow students.  This student has an inner critic (and this student is a most fantastic writer) and so our teacher told the student to write down the list of “blurts” (this is what The Artist’s Way calls them).  I don’t know if it liberated the student but it prompted me to start this list today.  It’s helping me to let go. . . they are on a page, and no longer inside eating me up (and that’s what it’s been doing for the last 28 days).

Because there are things on this list that cross a line I cannot cross yet (for those people I need to protect and for confidentiality), I’ve taken out names and some actual things on the list. . .

The list is 86 items long.  It will get longer.  It will get shorter.  But it’s just a list.  And I am the one who has control over how long or short it is.

Why I hate myself and am a failure:

1.  not bringing back the amp on time (there was no time but I was not diligent)
2. not calling my mother back when I said would and then not remembering for a week and then not calling until a month later
3. not responding to a text from my xxxxxx
4.  not responding to a call from Xxxxx
5. not responding to facebook posts from Xxxxx
6.  not cleaning any part of my house
7. getting hummus on the autograph I sent to Xxxxxxx
8. getting fat or gaining 10-15 pounds back from a year ago
9. eating the box of Oreos
10. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
11. not asking Xxx how she is
12.  not asking Xxxxx how she is
13.  not walking this entire month (not at all)
14. not going to the gym
15. taking the bus instead of walking to work
16. not reading Xxx’s XXX paper when he asked
17. not reading and responding to Xxxxx’s email re: his process
18. not getting Xxxxx a birthday present on time
19. not getting Xxxxx a birthday present at all
20. not knowing when I need to be better for my friends
21. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
22. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
23. for being afraid of talking to Xxxxxxx and Xxxx
24. sweating too much
25. my feet smelling bad
26. not cleaning my house
27. not weighing myself because I know it will be at 180lbs
28. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
29. not calling Xxxx on time
30. not doing what I say I’m going to do
31. my double chin
32. the pictures that make me look fat
33. taking any pills to make me feel better
34. not giving back Xxx’s tripod and taking almost three months to do it and really, he came over and did it instead of me being better
35. being paralyzed with fear and not writing
36. not writing anything ever
37. over thinking shit
38. grinding my teeth
39. eating out too much
40. spending stupid money
41. getting mad at Mikal for the most ridiculous things like putting his brace in a place I can crush it or when he asks me if I set my alarm.
42. not thanking Xxxxxx properly for helping me with scrapbooking
43. not giving Xxxxx a thank you note about the plant
44. not getting potting soil for the plant Xxxxx gave me
45. not making any more bags when I said I would for not only my xxxxx, but for Xxxxx
46. not talking to Xxxxx and Xxxxx more because I should and because I want to
47. being vain
48. not responding to Xxxxxxx when she sent me a most beautiful email
49. not talking to my xxxxxx after he wrote me a beautiful letter and then IM’s me when we were on Facebook at the same time
50. not completing my LinkedIn profile appropriately
51. not drinking enough water
52. not having enough self control
53. saying bad things to myself about my writing, about my body, about the way that I am
54. being too busy for everyone
55. not visiting Kim while she was sick because I was weak
56. lying to myself
57. being afraid to write what I felt like after Tuesday night’s Amanda Palmer party – I felt really terrible
58. being afraid to write about anything related to my life because it will hurt people
59. knowing that what I want to write will hurt people and still thinking it should be written and told and knowing I will be a coward and not write it because I cannot handle how to have the hard conversations with the people that I will hurt.
60. banishing my cat from the bedroom because she is too needy and knowing that all she really wants is to love me.
61. being judgmental about people that have the same insecurities as me and annoy me not because of their insecurities, but because I hate how they treat me or other people – just being judgmental
62. taking Amanda palmer’s marshmallows
63. sitting in bed instead of doing . . . . anything
64. wanting to die
65. not cleaning up my artists corner
66. asking my husband to clean up the cat puke because he’s up and I’m in bed. . . and I’m the one that saw her do it
67.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
68. knowing I hurt my husband because I was upset on 4/1 (my first husband’s anniversary) and not talking to him about it (but to be fair to myself on this one he had a big day that day and I didn’t want him to lose focus on himself).
69. being upset at my mother because on 4/1 she sent me an email that reminded me of my wedding anniversary because she mentioned a green feather boa and subsequently not calling because I couldn’t handle the email
70. having to leave work on 4/1 because I’m upset my first husband died and 4/1 would have been our 12 year anniversary
71. forgetting my co-worker’s kids names and ages
72. not knowing everyone’s name in my group at work
73. not setting up conferences with my teacher because I don’t think she thinks I’m any good (and let’s be clear she has NEVER EVER said anything like this at all)
74. missing an appointment with my therapist (because it was 4/1 and I was at home crying) and knowing that going to see her might have helped me being so fucking depressed that day
75. thinking my therapist hates me because I missed an appointment
76. not flossing every day and sometimes not for weeks, but really wanting to
77. saying I’m sorry all of the time
78. smoking
79. not remembering everything that should be on this list and possibly hurting people because I forgot them. . .
80. being totally self absorbed about the fact that anyone would care about any of this and be upset that I didn’t put them on the list
81. not crying more freely when I cry at the television or a movie because I’m afraid those that I’m with will laugh at me
82. knowing I’m not brave enough to post this entire list
83. not helping Chris with his UDFB fundraising more
84. not finding any UDFB donors yet and not having a plan
85. not acknowledging that being gang raped by three men has really affected me. . . and it a big reason I hate myself . . . and feel like I’m a piece of trash
86. being angry at myself I didn’t acknowledge #85 for 18 years

I was telling someone today that I felt like I was going to post a really vulnerable post today and I was unsure if I should or not.  That person expressed surprised that I couldn’t get any more naked because my previous posts were so revealing.  It confirmed I could put it out there.  Putting it out there helps me let it go.  Once it’s out there, I cannot take it back and therefore I cannot hide from it any longer and I can be better and more brave.  Some day I wish to be free of all my fears.  You are part of reaching that destination.  Thank you for reading.

Falling down while looking for direction

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about the struggle that young women have today. I've been obsessively thinking about it and talking with my friends . It was really interesting how, without much work, effort, or thinking, how many things related to this subject came up in just the first 5 days after getting all worked up.  Kickstarter campaigns (another obsessive activity), news articles, twitter and facebook posts, television shows I watch, books in my house, and people at work.

I thought - THIS is my new direction!!!  THIS is the purpose I'm looking for. Epiphany HAD OCCURRED and now everything would be ALL BETTER.  I know I can help show there are wonderful role models for young women in the world.  I just hadn't quite worked out the HOW that was going to happen.

this is how I felt - and Willie hung in there with me

Then - depression hit - a melancholia of the deepest order landed on my lap - manic periods ensued - days of eating the WORST  foods stretched not only my will, but my stomach. All this culminated in three days of no sleep.  I could barely work on that Friday morning. The words coming out of my mouth only really made sense as individual words, not entire coherent sentences.  I determined I needed to go to sleep (duh, I know).

Then the thing the following three days became my saving grace.  Again (not that it is surprising that I talk too much but) - please hang in there with me, this will all make sense in the end (I hope).

Day 1 (a Saturday) - I spent the entire day with my husband.  We went to see Prometheus (this will need to be another post because there is much to say there) and then went shopping for duct tape (really, Gorilla tape, but to help those that understand duct tape onboard. ..it's duct tape) and pillow filler. I believe you are now confused - so let me explain.

I like to sew.  I have been making clothing for a long time in my life and it helps fulfill a weird artistic thing in my soul.  Some folks like to sew quilts, some do costumes, and some do bags. Mostly, I like to sew dresses and skirts (it's a bit selfish, but whatever, I feel like the end product is more likely to be used than if I did any of the others, PLUS, I'm the only one I have to please, so I'm heading off rejection just in case). I can get most stuff done well enough, but sometimes  there comes a point where it becomes, well,  exhausting - it goes something like this.

1. get up off the floor (my sewing table in my only table and it's a coffee table which naturally leads to me sitting on the  floor in front of the machine).
2. get naked
3. put on item
4. go to the mirror
5. attempt to pin or draw on you waist, boob, or back/butt (the last is the hardest, I'm sure you can imagine)
6. take off said item without poking yourself (not easy, just not easy)
7. reclothe
8. get back on floor
9. sew
10. repeat 

The process often takes more time than I have patience for. To be successful at sewing for myself, it is a GREAT help to have a body form - and so, I lack a body form.

It's really Gorilla Tape

How does this relate to duct tape and pillow stuffing?  Well, after doing much googling, reading, and watching of youtube videos, I  learned I could make my own body form with duct tape.  You see, I wanted instant gratification rather than having to go out and purchase one at a store or online. Plus, it's supposed to be less expensive.

So - after Prometheus, I had Mikal duct tape me into a body form.  Note this is an EMBARRASSING picture, but I know you wanted to see it.

It was less than successful - I think Mikal would have called it a success if he could have left me in it. . . However, it turns out, we didn't do it tightly enough and my boobs looked as big as the rest of me.  I'll add here, that I had a self esteem dip due to this misrepresentation of my body.  Mikal and I both agreed that I did NOT look like the duct tape clone which made the dip, not so bad.

The important part of Day 1 was that we did a project together.  We talked, watched a movie and had kind of a fun time duct taping and being duct taped.  It was a fun spending time together.  Recharge #1 - time spent with my husband.

a body form will
help me finish it!

Day 2 - DESPITE the failed body form attempt, I spent the day sewing a dress - it's still not done, but it's pretty close!  The important part of this day is that I accomplished something I had forgotten I liked so much.  recharge #2.

Day 3 - I had a pretty hard conversation  with my boss about my unhappiness.  He and I agreed that this had not that much to do with work and more to do with life. - this feeling isn't going to last forever, it will pass, I just have to figure out how to get there.  Without my knowing it, I had started this journey to get back to fully recharged (see Day 1 and Day 2)

So, that night I went to see Ciara, my best friend and another touch stone I need to be normal (she was also in the post of women I  admire). She was leaving in a few days to Spain for a month.  I had not seen her in about a month and I absolutely could NOT miss a chance to see her before she went on her trip!  I had stayed away for so long because I had mistakenly thought that she needed some space.  When in reality, she'd been finding things to do because I was busy.  My time with Ciara was completely needed to fill my tank up to full.

After leaving Ciara's, I came home and slept soundly for the first time in more than a week.

What these three days taught me is that I have neglected myself and helped myself into my crazy spiral of depression by NOT CONNECTING with the three people I need in order to stay grounded: my husband, myself, and my best friend.  I hadn't been able to think straight because I didn't do what I knew to be true (and had been reminded of with that Meyer's Briggs test) - I need people to be me - Recharge #3

So, having gone through this epiphany, depression and then understanding, I understand that I need to go through a process to figure out what I want and can do about promoting women role models.  Maybe even that phrase "promoting women role models" isn't exactly the end result I'll find.  But I know I want to do something with all of this information about awesome women I know or don't know about.  I want it to be a journey to find the end product.  I don't know what the end product will be, but it will be a journey.

I'm now ok with the fact that I don't know, but I do know that it will be a process and sometimes, being IN the process is the right thing.

So - what does my epiphany and journey mean for all of you? Here is what I can tell you.

• I'm going to write about that journey here. Every post may not seem related, but they are all related to how I go through the journey I call my life and will shape anything that becomes an end product.
• There will be a page on this blog that has links or notes on all of my "research" about this journey
• I'll be reaching out to EVERYONE I know and maybe those that I don't know to get  more information and more research
• But MOSTLY, if you so choose, it means you will be able to:
• Come along on my journey
• Call me out when I need your help to remind me that all is not lost
• Celebrate with me when I have triumphs 
• Teach me about what I need to know to stay on the journey

So - things to look forward to (at least for me, and maybe for you!)

• A body form!!!  I'm buying one - any suggestions of type would be appreciated, but here's the one I'm currently researching.
• discussion about some of my favorite people's women they admire (here are a few)
• Klondike Kate
• Geena Davis
• Rachel Maddow
• Dorothy Parker
• Madeleine Albright
• More about the women I talked about before and maybe some new ones (like Ultra - my comic hero)
• Kickstarter campaigns that promote women as role models
• Maybe interviews with those that want to support this sort of thing (Megan - I'm talking about you and that cool event you went to last night!)
• news articles we should be reading
• opinions about all of this stuff
• you helping me through this journey and being part of it