Raise your fist with me

Over the new year weekend, I received an email from a friend who used to work for me years ago and was starting the following Monday to work for me again. But it wasn’t about work. It was about who she thinks I am.

It was an email with 41 words and a link. But the most important thing about the email was that she thought this was a thing I would/should (probably more would than should) do.

The end of my 2015 sucked ass. I got sick and spent the weekend before Christmas in the ER and was down for the count for two weeks. I couldn’t leave my bed or my bathroom. Colitis sucks, people.

And then at the beginning of the year,I lost my last cat, my 19 year old companion. I’d lived with her longer than I’d lived with anyone else, even my parents. So, shit was bad, and I hated everything and felt like I hadn’t done anything last year. It was awful. . . But this thing. This thing happened.

It was called www.yearcompass.com. I didn’t look at it over that weekend, but then I looked at it Monday morning, the first Monday of the month, January 4th. How was I going to shape my year? And dude, like I said before, I did SHIT the year before, so there is no reason to look back. I didn’t even write a blog about what I had accomplished for 2015 over the weekend because it seemed like I hadn’t done anything. And I always write something about the year before. And I was sure I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. But then on Monday, the 4th, I read about this booklet.

I told my friend that I would totally do this and would she do it with me and could I write it out and share it with her and would she share hers with me. We agreed.

The next 4 days I spent time doing this “The Year Ahead” booklet. But the first page taught me everything I think about myself is wrong. I am not lazy. I am not terrible. I am not a loser. The irony of these words does not escape me. I mean, every year for the last few years I write the same thing. . . “I’m so lazy. I don’t do anything. But wait. I did do things. Lots of things. Why do I always think I’m such a slag?”

This past year, 2015, is no different.

The first page tells you to consider the following: “Go through last year’s calendar week by week. If you see an imporTant event, family gathering, friendly get-together or significant project, write it down here.”

I didn’t have enough room.

I finished a tarot class
I started a writing group, where one of the writers finished a book
I met Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker at my writing conference
I saw Rose’s Pawn Shop
I stayed overnight with Simon playing games and telling stories about the slumperflurfer that lived under the couch and needed carrots - and every time it got carrots gave a kissing fit to laughing boys
I saw Amanda Fucking Palmer in Vancouver (I’d never been) with all of her TED TALK friends!!
I played smashputt!
I did Lauren’s hair and makeup for prom. She wanted to be cinderella and had a dress to match
I walked a marathon
I went to the women’s world cup
I attended a women’s conference and was inspired; meeting Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker (who does that???)
I stage managed Gary’s 50th birthday and had the fucking time of my life and loved on Gary and Rodney
I orchestrated a winning sock drive for homeless
I watched ET with Ciara. . . Watching movies with her is a healing experience.
I had two bouts of anaphylactic shock that left me on the couch for three total weeks - but it didn’t kill me - so fuck you antibiotics
I finalized my divorce
I went to see March4th and loved on Shannon and Shelia
I attended Derek and Kristin’s wedding, re-connecting with my soul twin Kelly
I lost 20lbs
I told a story as part of an event about my amazing familyship with Ciara
I got Colitis
An employee came back to work for me
I took a road trip to Montana in a corvette
I went to Florida in JULY to hang with my family. And it was amazing and fantastic, reminding me that despite my closed offness, they heal me.
I lost my Willie
I visited Alistair’s family for Doug’s 70th birthday and was reminded how much I belong
I celebrated my and Jennifer’s birthday with oreo cakes
I rooted for the Green Bay Packers at a playoff game with the Seahawks and kept all my friends
I discovered Kat Robicoud
I hired a life coach
I hired an assistant
I stage managed The Lion in Winter and could not be prouder of this production
I wrote more than 50K words.
I asked for help


There were 8 more pages that asked me to relive my most important events, accomplishments, avoidances, challenges, risks,fears,favorite things, people that helped me and that I helped, made me realize what I needed to forgive and let go, and helped me boil my last year into a book title with three themes: learning, change and asking.

The book title to 2015?

The Fool’s Journey.

Don’t judge. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t. Look up the Fool/Tarot.

And then came the planning for 2016.

I am not a planner. . . Not in anyone’s imagination.

But, despite this depression (getting colitis and being in the ER during the week of Christmas and your birthday and then losing your 19 year old cat a two weeks later will totally fuck with you and help you right into the darkness of depression), it gave me hope. It made me smile. It inspired me.

The first thing it asked me was this: What does the year ahead of you look like? What will happen in an ideal case? Why will it be great? Write, Draw, let go of your expectations and dare to dream.

My answer?

Hopeful. Full of family and travel and writing and friends and change. I will leap. I will step off the sidewalk to see what it is like off the path. I will give myself, all the way, to the universe. I will hide nothing, be shamed by nothing. I will close my eyes, throw back my head and my arms out wide to let the universe fill all the space with no apologies. And when I fall, I’ll get back up by asking my loves to give me a hand.

And then I remembered I was going to share this with another person. It was terrifying and I realized I had committed to telling another person of all my failures. But then I looked at my dare to dream statement. How could I NOT share this with her. I had declared my unabashed vuneralbility. I would start out the year being a fraud if I didn’t share it with anyone.

And so I will live it. I believe that stating these things to me. Stating these things to you will inspire, compel and propel me to that. And I’ve shared that statement of dream to many people. Close people and not close people. I want to be free to declare myself always. And so I do.

I am brave
I am courageous
I am vulnerable
I am fragile
I am strong
I am fallible
I am trusting
I am trustworthy
I am worthy

I give myself to the universe.

I believe the universe will give right back.

I know that I can lift my fist in the air and say
Fuck yes.
I am here.
I love.
I am loved.
I see you.
We are connected.

AND I SAY TO ALL MY PEOPLE (you know who you are - I love you):
FUCK YES
YOU ARE HERE
I AM HERE
WE LOVE EACH OTHER
WE ARE LOVED BY EACH OTHER
THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME
WE ARE CONNECTED

Here is to 2016.

p.s. I share with her tomorrow. And I’m not afraid. oh, and here are some pictures https://goo.gl/photos/AVsD66XPUbshyHhFA

i am not a failure - so shut up you stupid little voice. . . SHUT UP

i haven't updated in a while.  and i was wondering how much of it was because i am embarrassed for my lack of progress OR how much of it is because i'm embarrassed for what i wish i was doing OR if i'm embarrassed because i don't feel happy about what i HAVE done (in terms of writing). . .

the fact is. . .i'm embarrassed and ashamed. embarrassed that i haven't updated, embarrassed that i haven't met my goals, ashamed that you should call me on it but if I write it down, then i'm open to you calling me on my shit. then ashamed that i don't want to be called on my shit. . . ugh, such a vicious circle.

these last two weeks were pretty rough.  you know when you say things - things you wish you hadn't said? and then all you do is dwell on those things and berate yourself.  it's total self-flagellation without even a good religious reason. . .and sometimes the things you said don't even warrant any second thought. . . so you beat yourself up because of that. . .ugh, such a vicious cycle.

so - last night i was looking at what i HAD done. . . and i have decided to cut myself some freakin' slack.

so here's an update -

today is Day 75 of the year and is the start of week 12. if i don't count anything i've written, i have consumed AT LEAST (aka - i have recorded it) SEVENTY-THREE (73) individual items of art.  i have read and/or listened essays, poems, short stories, novels and non-fiction. i have watched old movies and original plays and shows. these are things i recorded. that means, except for the last TWO days, i have consumed some form of art every day.

and i'm not even going to sell myself short there. i've also watched four oscar winning films, one ENTIRE season of a VERY cool BBC America tv show, several non-oscar nominated films that i never saw before, organized a baby shower, worked more than 40 hours per week, got my cat into the vet (and am learning how to give fluids. . .), and attended trivia, friend gatherings, a reading event, got the first part of my tattoo, bid and won an auction which led to a very wet, but still very awesome opening season game for the Sounders, signed up for another marathon, and started training, took apart a blanket i knitted (b/c, dude, it was lopsided) and restarted it and am one skein in, entertained a guest for oscar's weekend, i'm in the middle of another book and i listened to three new albums by two new to me groups and lastly, have helped to organize a very important (to me) get together about writing. . .

so - FUCK YOU stupid little voice telling me that i'm a failure. i'm not.

and if i look at what i have PRODUCED. . . it's week 12 - i've written 7 blog posts (including this one), 3 letters of more than 2500 words a piece to significant people in my life, 2 short stories, and 6 story ideas. i've also written 24 haikus (even if some of them are bad) and discussed a potential writing project with my friend and came up with a novel idea through a conversation with my mother. Not bad. . . more than one creative thing per week.

so - again - FUCK YOU STUPID LITTLE VOICE. i am not a failure.

How many miles? Holy ravioli!

Today is the day before I walk a marathon. . . and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  I think if my mom were here, she'd be commiserating with my husband as if I were dressing for a huge event, like Prom.  I'm really crazy when it comes to these types of events and although I'm normally pretty normal, on big event days (like, let's say, company holiday parties, prom, and marathons. .  ), I'm way crazy - like 4 cups of coffee crazy.  And today isn't even the day. . . So I'm going to write to you all with the hope I become less crazy.  And you might want to settle in because this is a long one.

How long is that, you ask?  Um. . . 26.2 miles.

I was trying to remember when I said I'd do the marathon.  I knew it had been captured via email, or I'm sure I would have gotten out of so much exercise.  I went looking for the email, and started laughing out loud from the exchange.  I'm going to re-print the excerpt here because it's cute and gives you a glimpse into how fantastic and supportive Ciara is.  This exchange happened while Ciaracat was away in Europe during July and I was missing her.  We'd been emailing back and forth for about a week on this chain and I was espousing my laziness (and she hers) . . . and then she asked me this. . .(oh, btw - ciaracat is funny and for context - Suz is ciaracat's best friend since childhood - she's also an all around most fantastic woman)

 ---------------------

From ciaracat to me:

You don't want to sign up for the marathon in November do you?? Suz is going to come up and do it. And I'm really nervous. But excited about having a new goal an something to train for.

I love you. And hope

You're not too

Lazy to see me. 

From me to ciaracat:

Ok. . . so. . .committing to a marathon

we're walking, right?

I'll say yes IF we are just walking - but I'm gonna need to seriously get off my ASS!!!!

and I won't be too lazy to see you. . . I promise. 

 (btw - the sun agrees with you)

From ciaracat to me: 

Um YAH we’re walking. Have you EVER known me to even run after a bus???

Crack bird mama!!

That would be amazing.

For the record I have not started my training yet so...!!

From me to ciaracat:

I was just checking. . . I mean. .. dude. . . a marathon is just so (well, what's the word?) . . . so . . .daunting.

but yes, I will do it!  send me links (again) so I can officially be accountable for doing it.

From ciaracat to me:

Honey. It Is huge. And I will NOT think anything if you think it's too much right now. Seriously. I'm shitting my pants for roping Suzanne in to it!! For me there's no Going back!! So!! Don't worry about feeling not ready yet!!

If you want to look up more the info is just at Seattle marathon 2012. Don't have the link handy at the mo. 

Love u!

From me to ciaracat:

No worries, will do some official googling. . .

and it isn't too much in fact, it might be just enough right now.  I need to figure out something to work for!!

----------------------

And actually, when I check the dates on these emails, I see that she asked me that EXACTLY four months ago today - HOLY CRAP - only 4 months ago???  How is that possible?  I can't believe I actually trained to be ready for this thing in only FOUR MONTHS????  

How long is that, you ask?  Um. . . 26.2 miles and at the end of this journey I'll have gone more than 100 miles.

I have to say, it's been a most amazing journey. 

I was born with a club foot (it sounds worse than it is) and was actually a Forrest Gump kid, complete with a brace contraption that had a leather belt around the waist, two metal pole like things down each side of my legs and a metal plate between the two shoes.  I think there is only one picture I have with it and I can't say I remember spending a lot of time in it.  At age 5, I had surgery to fix my foot permanently.  I had a wonderful doctor (in 1979!) and he did such a good job you would never know today that I had this "disability."  In fact, I used to run pretty regularly as a kid.  I was on the track team and ran hurdles and relays.  Don't get me wrong, I had my fair share of troubles.  I sprained my foot many times and had several stress fractures (it's my right foot and as such I used it as my lead leg as a hurdler. . . that's a lot of stress).  I did stop running sometime in high school after a particularly bad injury that required a visit to a doctor who said, "you're running?  you shouldn't be walking let alone running."  Of course, I'm paraphrasing what I remember about that day and it probably wasn't that bad. . . but that is how it felt.  The thing I DO remember most about that day at the doctor's was afterwards, my mom and I left the office quietly and on the way to the car she says, "well that calls for a snickers bar"- mom is awesome and knew chocolate would cure all at age 16.  I stopped running after that but don't worry, I have not been a total lazy hack. 

With all of that history, I knew, as did Ciara, I needed a good pair of walking shoes.  We went to Road Runner Sports in Green Lake to get tested.  They take a picture of your gate and also a pressure test of your feet (see, my right foot looks like I don't put any pressure on the ball of that foot).  20 minutes later, I was out the door ready to take on our walking goals.  

Ciara and I started out just walking a couple of miles at a time which didn't seem so bad and we'd done that so much anyway going down to baseball games and concerts in Sodo.  We went around Green Lake a couple of times, but, we decided after the second time, if we had to do any length of time we'd get bored going around in circles and planned city trips from then on.  It was through that kind of thinking that I learned so much about my awesome city!

we were ready to do this thing!

so many people!

It wasn't long after I said I would do the marathon, I did my first 10K (which is officially 6.21 miles in case you need the conversion - I usually do).  I hadn't walked any more than 3.5 or maybe 4 miles at this point and so I was really nervous.  This first race was the Lake Union 10K and I walked it with Trish West - a most amazing woman who had never done this before either!  I have to say, 6 miles seemed SO MUCH LONGER than I had ever walked before.  But it was cool to walk down the middle of highway 99.  There were so many people and I was afraid of being last even though that was silly.  I've included a picture of the 5km mark.  I remember going - OK - half way to go!!!!  Dang, that last half was rough!  But we made it (and we weren't last!).

half way. . . half way to go!

I did it!

After that, it was clear more training was needed (duh!).  We did my first 7 mile walk from Capitol Hill to the U-District on the Burke Gilman trail where we ended with beer, chips and salsa.  This became a theme - beer and food as our reward, cuz, let's be honest, why else do something so crazy without rewarding yourself!  I had never really walked around on the Burke Gilman before and it was beautiful.  They have this sculpture where you can pretend you are a picture and, of course, there are the boats and views of any bridge over the lakes.

Ciara and I did our first 10K together about two weeks after my first and then one week after, we walked 7 miles.  This time the actual length wasn't so bad!  I was nervous though, because I remembered how long that last half of that 10K seemed.  The cool thing about this 10k (it was Seattle Marathon's 10k), was that we went under the highway 99 bridge in downtown Seattle!  So cool.  I cried pretty hard after this one for a couple of reasons.  First, it was really cool to cross the finish line with Ciara (she's inspired me so much and I was so grateful to have her with me), secondly, they had military folks down there giving us ribbons as we crossed the line (how can you not be grateful at that?) and lastly, and really most importantly to me, Mikal came down and cheered us on and drove us home!

Then I went to Turkey and stopped "training" in the traditional sense. . . well, let's be honest, I only trained in so much as I walked every day, but not hard, not fast, and I stopped a lot - to eat, to admire ridiculously awesome sites and to lie on the beach. . . so - for two weeks, I was on intermission. . .

Upon my return, I had signed up for the Lifelong AIDS Alliance walk on Capitol Hill - it was only a 5K and I roped my step-daughter into it.  She was nervous at first, but we ended up having a great time, walking 3.1 miles and giving to a great cause.  Lauren swears next year we'll be the Tummy Wombat Family and get a bunch of people to be a team, dress up all crazy like and have another great time. Who doesn't like walking down the middle of the street, going through red lights, and making traffic wait for you?  

It was now time for the big leagues.  Ciara and I needed to train a little bit harder and a little bit longer.  We signed up for a half marathon in Vancouver, WA called the Girlfriend's Half Marathon and it was only three weeks away.  We started by scheduling every Saturday a walk of some large amount of miles.  We walked to Shilshole marina which was my first 10 mile walk.  The best part was meeting one our friends at Zayda Buddy's in Ballard.  Beer, tator tot casserole and pizza were the rewards.  So amazing. . .

Two weeks later, we were in the half marathon.  To think I hadn't walked 13 miles before and that I would do it that day was a bit daunting.  We didn't talk much (I think it was mostly me. . . ) when we first got there.  There were more women than I had seen in one place, EVER.  Before the race we waited in line with about 1000 (and I am NOT exaggerating) women to go to the bathroom and met a couple of older women we saw later on the course.  They were really sweet and took our picture before we started.  I found it exciting, later that day, to wave and say good luck as we were passing them on the way back.

We also met Betty.  She was our godsend, I think.  She must have been at least 65 (though, who knows these days) and as Ciara and I were cheering ourselves on to get to the Miller Lite at BW3, Betty struck up a conversation with us about what to eat before and after the walks.  She's been on (wait for it) SIX (yes, that is the number 6) marathons!  We walked with her for the next bit in the marathon before we were passed by her (we did stop, to be fair) and then we passed her later on!  She and her friend told us how to train for the marathon.  We learned we shouldn't be walking as fast as we want to during the actual marathon - it's about putting in the miles and getting your body ready for the actual length of time you'll be out there.  We felt so much better after meeting Betty.  I'm not going to lie, the last three miles were excruciating!!  Betty also taught us to change it up a little while we were walking, so now, when  you see me and Suzanne and Ciara walking, we sometimes do this weird dancing thing or we do high knee lifts when it gets tough.  Go ahead, laugh, it works. . . and I'll keep looking like a moron if it keeps me from wanting to die on the course. 

We were never alone on the course because there were so many other women and (as you can see in some of the pictures) everyone was was excited to be in the race and were really supportive of each other.  We would cheer for the runners coming back the other way and for each other when it looked like we were having a rough time.  Complete strangers would clap for us and cheer us on.  I probably cried on the course about 5 times.  It was completely amazing. 

The last 3 miles of the course were pretty rough.  I thought I was getting a blister and, as I mentioned earlier, I never walked 13 miles before, so the end was really really hard.  But we made it and I was so excited I picked Ciara up and twirled her around.  I only asked later if I hurt her (luckily I hadn't!)!  And as we crossed the finish line, there was a receiving line of officers and volunteers handing out water bottles (with water in them, thankfully!!) and medals!  My first official MEDAL!!!  We could not wait to reward ourselves with some beer and chicken wings.  

Unfortunately it was a Sunday which meant lots of people and football. . . service was less than desirable for two really hangry (yes, hangry) peeps that just walked 13 miles and spent more than 1350 calories!  BUT, when the food came, it was SOOOO good.  I don't think Ciara and I talked to each other until after we inhaled food.  The worst part of the trip was actually the ride/drive home.  I am grateful Ciara was driving because it was a THREE HOUR drive and it poured the ENTIRE way home.  Talk about a sucky end to an awesome day.  We did make it home safely and both fell into bed exhausted but so happy about our accomplishment!

The next weekend was 16 miles.  Honestly, Ciara and I were freaking out because 16 miles is SOOOO long and we remembered how hard the last 3 miles were the week before.  But the funny thing about "training" is that. . . well. . . it works. The other thing that we noticed was that it didn't seem so long this time.  For this training session, we walked to and from Alki Beach.  We saw some cool stuff on the way to Alki - there was the skate park under the expressway and the shipping canal. It's amazing that this city has all these crazy walkways to connect different parts of the city.  We crossed to West Seattle and on the Alki side, we saw the beautiful trees and of course, Seattle!

When we got across to West Seattle we kept commenting on how NOT hard it was.  After much discussion, we have a theory (and it's possibly total bunk, but it's our theory and we're sticking to it). When we were in Vancouver, WA, a city neither of us know, it was hard to gauge how far we were and how far we had left.  Here in Seattle, we know the city, and we knew how much longer we had to go and how far we'd been.  It really made it easier. But again, those last three miles really sucked, especially since we decided to come back up through the Pike/Pine corridor and there were people and stop lights.  This dramatically impedes your progress when you are trying to get home.  Our worst mistake for this 16 miles was not choosing a place to drink beer and eat food for afterwards.  The mac and cheese I made for myself just wasn't as satisfying as I wanted it to be.

The following week was only an 8 mile walk.  I believe we were scheduled to go on Saturday, but after much imbibing by both Ciara and myself (independently from each other - we're not always bad influences on one another), we postponed until Sunday. . .we both needed some . . . rest.  But the next day - IT WAS ON!  And man, it seemed like NOTHING compared to what we had done the two weeks prior.  That week, I saw the sculpture park which I had never seen before.  It was beautiful to walk down on the water and across the Amgen bridge and up a Queen Anne trail (though there was much cursing Ciara for this particular path - but we needed to do some hills because the actual marathon has a bunch of them).  I found that after the hill, much to my dismay, I was energized and refreshed.  We were supposed to go up the big Denny Hill on the way home, but I totally bagged out and went to GameWorks to meet my family and have fries and beer.  Ciara is a better woman than I.

Then there was the 20 miles.  The coolest part about this 20 mile walk was that we were doing it with Suzanne - thanks to technology!  We had a three way text going on and were cheering each other on!  It was a bit grey here in Seattle (and 70 degrees for Suzanne in San Fran) and we were expecting some rain.  We had only had a little taste of bad weather during the 16 mile week on the way back from Alki - it freaking hailed on us.  I think there is a picture of it. . . hailed. . . seriously? right?  So, we were hoping we'd get some rain on our 20 mile walk so we would know what it could be like on a really bad day during the marathon.  

not discouraged by the amount of miles!

The walk itself was beautiful.  One of the things Ciara and are continually amazed by is the awesome neighborhoods here in Seattle.  There are awesome parks and houses and you would never know they were even there!  Most of the pictures from this walk day are from Ciara (she's definitely on the ball when it comes to recording our walks and could probably be the source for any walking magazine if they needed pics!).  

we laugh at the rain!

For some reason, neither Ciara nor I were very pleased around the 10 mile mark.  My ankle hurt and I had wrapped it so. . . this was a little discouraging.  Then we got "lost" in Seward Park (aka we took a forest trail rather than going around it on the paved trail).  We discovered having crap kicked up on the backs of your legs sucks more than getting wet - sucks WAY more. . . But we got through it and mostly didn't have any rain until we got to Beacon Hill and then it started to rain a little bit.  Our theory about "knowing where we are going makes the miles seem not so bad" actually held up until we saw that we had 2 miles left and Capital Hill looked . . . so . . . far. . . away. 

Our plan was to have Mikal drive us to The Hurricane where we would eat and drink.  Ciara and I were so tired we barely spoke  (it's tougher when no one is cheering you on) while we shoved food and beer down our throats.  I am not sure either of us tasted it.  We looked pretty funny too. . . talk about two old women trying to get in and out of the car - it was pretty funny.  The 20 miles was too much for my ankle though, but thanks to a great doctor and two cortisone shots later, it is as good as new.

who knew there was the path all the way back to downtown

Seward park is beautiful

we didn't have a membership, so we kept walking

ridiculous, no?

I had never been this far to I-90 except when I drove on it

so pretty!

the rocks hate Ciara

caught in the act!  there is no sitting on this trip!

we could see the city - it just seemed so far away!

ahh

The two weeks after the 20 mile walk felt like 10 minute jaunts.  And we even did four hills!

So - it's less than 12 hours away now and I cannot think of anything else.  Yesterday, Suzanne, Ciara and I went to pick up our packets. . . I have an official number 19063 and a shirt.  I'm very nervous but we have amazing support in our best friends and partners (thank you Tori and Mikal!).

I am about to walk an entire marathon. . . 

How long is that, you ask?  Um. . . 26.2 miles.

yeah -  holy ravioli - see you at the finish line - I'll be the one hugging her two friends and crying.