Raise your fist with me

Over the new year weekend, I received an email from a friend who used to work for me years ago and was starting the following Monday to work for me again. But it wasn’t about work. It was about who she thinks I am.

It was an email with 41 words and a link. But the most important thing about the email was that she thought this was a thing I would/should (probably more would than should) do.

The end of my 2015 sucked ass. I got sick and spent the weekend before Christmas in the ER and was down for the count for two weeks. I couldn’t leave my bed or my bathroom. Colitis sucks, people.

And then at the beginning of the year,I lost my last cat, my 19 year old companion. I’d lived with her longer than I’d lived with anyone else, even my parents. So, shit was bad, and I hated everything and felt like I hadn’t done anything last year. It was awful. . . But this thing. This thing happened.

It was called www.yearcompass.com. I didn’t look at it over that weekend, but then I looked at it Monday morning, the first Monday of the month, January 4th. How was I going to shape my year? And dude, like I said before, I did SHIT the year before, so there is no reason to look back. I didn’t even write a blog about what I had accomplished for 2015 over the weekend because it seemed like I hadn’t done anything. And I always write something about the year before. And I was sure I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. But then on Monday, the 4th, I read about this booklet.

I told my friend that I would totally do this and would she do it with me and could I write it out and share it with her and would she share hers with me. We agreed.

The next 4 days I spent time doing this “The Year Ahead” booklet. But the first page taught me everything I think about myself is wrong. I am not lazy. I am not terrible. I am not a loser. The irony of these words does not escape me. I mean, every year for the last few years I write the same thing. . . “I’m so lazy. I don’t do anything. But wait. I did do things. Lots of things. Why do I always think I’m such a slag?”

This past year, 2015, is no different.

The first page tells you to consider the following: “Go through last year’s calendar week by week. If you see an imporTant event, family gathering, friendly get-together or significant project, write it down here.”

I didn’t have enough room.

I finished a tarot class
I started a writing group, where one of the writers finished a book
I met Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker at my writing conference
I saw Rose’s Pawn Shop
I stayed overnight with Simon playing games and telling stories about the slumperflurfer that lived under the couch and needed carrots - and every time it got carrots gave a kissing fit to laughing boys
I saw Amanda Fucking Palmer in Vancouver (I’d never been) with all of her TED TALK friends!!
I played smashputt!
I did Lauren’s hair and makeup for prom. She wanted to be cinderella and had a dress to match
I walked a marathon
I went to the women’s world cup
I attended a women’s conference and was inspired; meeting Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker (who does that???)
I stage managed Gary’s 50th birthday and had the fucking time of my life and loved on Gary and Rodney
I orchestrated a winning sock drive for homeless
I watched ET with Ciara. . . Watching movies with her is a healing experience.
I had two bouts of anaphylactic shock that left me on the couch for three total weeks - but it didn’t kill me - so fuck you antibiotics
I finalized my divorce
I went to see March4th and loved on Shannon and Shelia
I attended Derek and Kristin’s wedding, re-connecting with my soul twin Kelly
I lost 20lbs
I told a story as part of an event about my amazing familyship with Ciara
I got Colitis
An employee came back to work for me
I took a road trip to Montana in a corvette
I went to Florida in JULY to hang with my family. And it was amazing and fantastic, reminding me that despite my closed offness, they heal me.
I lost my Willie
I visited Alistair’s family for Doug’s 70th birthday and was reminded how much I belong
I celebrated my and Jennifer’s birthday with oreo cakes
I rooted for the Green Bay Packers at a playoff game with the Seahawks and kept all my friends
I discovered Kat Robicoud
I hired a life coach
I hired an assistant
I stage managed The Lion in Winter and could not be prouder of this production
I wrote more than 50K words.
I asked for help


There were 8 more pages that asked me to relive my most important events, accomplishments, avoidances, challenges, risks,fears,favorite things, people that helped me and that I helped, made me realize what I needed to forgive and let go, and helped me boil my last year into a book title with three themes: learning, change and asking.

The book title to 2015?

The Fool’s Journey.

Don’t judge. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t. Look up the Fool/Tarot.

And then came the planning for 2016.

I am not a planner. . . Not in anyone’s imagination.

But, despite this depression (getting colitis and being in the ER during the week of Christmas and your birthday and then losing your 19 year old cat a two weeks later will totally fuck with you and help you right into the darkness of depression), it gave me hope. It made me smile. It inspired me.

The first thing it asked me was this: What does the year ahead of you look like? What will happen in an ideal case? Why will it be great? Write, Draw, let go of your expectations and dare to dream.

My answer?

Hopeful. Full of family and travel and writing and friends and change. I will leap. I will step off the sidewalk to see what it is like off the path. I will give myself, all the way, to the universe. I will hide nothing, be shamed by nothing. I will close my eyes, throw back my head and my arms out wide to let the universe fill all the space with no apologies. And when I fall, I’ll get back up by asking my loves to give me a hand.

And then I remembered I was going to share this with another person. It was terrifying and I realized I had committed to telling another person of all my failures. But then I looked at my dare to dream statement. How could I NOT share this with her. I had declared my unabashed vuneralbility. I would start out the year being a fraud if I didn’t share it with anyone.

And so I will live it. I believe that stating these things to me. Stating these things to you will inspire, compel and propel me to that. And I’ve shared that statement of dream to many people. Close people and not close people. I want to be free to declare myself always. And so I do.

I am brave
I am courageous
I am vulnerable
I am fragile
I am strong
I am fallible
I am trusting
I am trustworthy
I am worthy

I give myself to the universe.

I believe the universe will give right back.

I know that I can lift my fist in the air and say
Fuck yes.
I am here.
I love.
I am loved.
I see you.
We are connected.

AND I SAY TO ALL MY PEOPLE (you know who you are - I love you):
FUCK YES
YOU ARE HERE
I AM HERE
WE LOVE EACH OTHER
WE ARE LOVED BY EACH OTHER
THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME
WE ARE CONNECTED

Here is to 2016.

p.s. I share with her tomorrow. And I’m not afraid. oh, and here are some pictures https://goo.gl/photos/AVsD66XPUbshyHhFA

it was rough and amazing. cuz that's how life is. . .

and it’s that time again. time for me to put goals out there and then promptly not meet them. i’m a great beginner, and a terrible finisher. this time last year i decided i was going to “live the Ray Bradbury way.” it was my hair brained idea that i could read something every single day of the year. and to add to it, i also said i’d read a whole bunch of other shit and go to a bunch of shows and visit the library - oh, and of course, write a whole bunch. on the blog, not on the blog. . .oh, the goals i had.

i don’t think i made it to the library one time. i almost went last month when my parents were in town, but i am not sure that would have counted at all.

i feel like i failed. . . again.

i looked back at how many postings i did in 2014. and it’s less than 2013 (which was less than the year before that). . . and i wonder why on earth i can’t keep up a writing habit. i love to write. it makes me feel right, normal. the gap in the middle of the year makes complete sense to me.  so - here’s what happened.

at the beginning of the year, i had just moved back into my house. i had moved out (this was the second or third time) because of a major disagreement of how a marriage should work. i had high hopes, i posted 5 times in january. that was amazing for me. at least once a week i posted something. 

in february, i went to mexico to a writing conference and - it was an amazing time.  i was inspired. i felt renewed and invigorated and i thought i would write and write and write.

San Miguel Febuary 2014

however, my return was ruined by the fact that another marriage disagreement (of major significant factors) occurred. details don’t necessarily matter, but know that i don’t deserve what happened. i have enough self esteem to know i am a good person who deserves an equal partner willing to participate in life. and not just in my life. in their own life, too.

i wrote a blog posting in march about how i needed to forgive myself about what i hadn’t done. and it’s true, i did need to forgive myself. i was depressed. so depressed it was hard to get out of bed every day. i had tried very hard to write, to read, to be inspired, but it was hard. when your marriage is dissolving before your eyes, it’s hard to focus on much else. it would be short sited to not look back at that and think - shit - she should forgive herself - she did all of that during a very difficult time. 

that time lasted for a long time. my breaking point was in the middle of may (probably at the beginning of may, but i hadn’t found enough courage to do anything). there is a quote by Meg Cabot -

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

it’s a quote i’ve told to others, on many occasions, to help them know they are more important than any fear they have. so hypocritical of myself. it’s always easier to give others advice - you can see the problem so objectively when it isn’t you. but this time i had to see my own problem. it was hard and it was terrifying. but i had decided that i was more important than my fear. more important than my fear of loneliness, more important than my fear of being hated, more important than my fear of thinking i could never find my center, more important than the my fear that i deserved this unhappiness and disrespect.

i didn’t leave my house this time. it’s my house. on June 1^st, i got my space back. my house and safe place. i was mercifully and terrifyingly alone. i thought it would be enough to break the depression. but it didn’t get better. it got worse. and along with it came some other scary things. 

i woke up one morning, in july, without being able to put a hair tie in my hair. i couldn’t grab things correctly. and i knew this mean there was something wrong with my neck. and i had been through this. two and a half years ago i had my disc removed and my spine fused to get rid of this problem only to find out that well - there are these canals that were being pinched by the disc but that are now narrowing so. . . disc or no disc, my nerve was very angry. two neck injections later and i’m better. . . but. . . just better. it comes and goes.

a month after that i woke up and found  this crazy creeping red thing going up my arm.  i waited all day because it didn’t hurt or anything, but after work i went to the doctor and she sent me straight to the ER. they promptly said i had a blood infection and needed antibiotics - oh - and hey - i guess i’ve developed an allergy to that antibiotic (WHAT?). they sent me home with two OTHER antibiotics and said if the red moved outside of this marker line they drew on me to come back in the morning. and it had.  and they gave me another antibiotic that i promptly and painfully found out that i’m terribly allergic to. only to be told to take the antibiotics they gave me in pill form. WHICH I AM ALSO ALLERGIC TO and had to go into the ER for a THIRD time in 48 hours to get treatment for anaphylactic shock. it was fun. and they have no idea what the blood infection was. and all of that led to more depression. so much so that my best friend came into my house to make sure i was ok. i wasn’t returning phone calls or text messages or emails.

blood infection

then came the panic attacks. i was receiving emails and letters from my estranged husband. each and every one caused me to have an alien bursting from my chest episode. i could hardly work and would cry at the drop of a hat. i needed to file for divorce but the mere thought of having to think about him made me spiral into these horrible panic attacks where i felt like my chest was going to explode and i would end up in a lake of tears. it was crippling. i spent a lot of time hiding in my house. avoiding things. avoiding places. avoiding people. going to work was an enormous effort. and i would be so exhausted when i got home i would just want to sleep. and while i could fall asleep, staying asleep never worked because if i woke up for even a few minutes, i would start thinking about what i had to do. that would become completely overwhelming.

and so it went for months. and months. then my friend moved in for a couple of weeks. it was amazing. i felt like i had a purpose. i had to get up every day. i had to make sure the house was clean. i had to be a good roommate. and i wanted to do things with her. having her live there was sort of like having a booster shot of b12 those celebrities get when they are overwhelmed with their schedules. but if you have ever read anything about that kind of thing. it’s very short lived. it gives you a boost, but it isn’t a solution. and that is sort of what happened when she moved out. i fell back into the old habits.

but the healing has started. i think it’s started because i finally filed for divorce and asked that all communication go through my lawyer. there are few emails here and there that still give me panic attacks, but for the most part, i find myself doing things like going to the grocery store regularly. cooking. walking. seeing my friends instead of watching endless amounts of investigation discovery. it’s not perfect and i haven’t quite figured it out, yet. but it sure as hell is better than i felt the first part of 2014. 

and how did i do in 2014 with the Ray Bradbury way? Actually not to feakin’ bad for not finishing. i didn’t have goals for the entirety of all the things i’m about to show you, but i am going to use it. i’m going to improve on what i did. 

Category	# of items	% of goal completed
Poem	30	8%
Short Story	31	8%
Novel	22	183%
Essay	15	8%
Show	25	208%
Story Idea	8	15%
Film	7	13%
Blog	10	100%
Non-Fiction	5	100%
Written Short Story	2	4%
Writing	25	48%

a quick % explanation

• Poems, short stories, and essays were out of 365 (one a day)
• Novels were out of 12 (one a month)
• Shows were out of 12 (one a month)
• Story ideas were out of 52 (one a week)
• Films were out of 52 (one a week)
• Blogs were out of 10 (mostly because i didn’t give it any goals. . . so anything more than 1 was good)
• Non-fiction was out of 5 (because i didn’t have a goal and shit, i did five, so fuck - yeah!)
• Written short stories was out of 52 (one a week - that was ambitious, wasn’t it?)
• Writing - in general i wanted to write every week. . . so, this is out of 52 (at least once a week, right?)

The funny thing is that i was pretty disappointed in myself when i saw how “little” i wrote. so, i went back through all of my writing over the last day, blogs, journals online and written long hand, and letters. oh, the letters i wrote. i actually wrote more tun 40,000 words. that can seem like a lot or a little, depends on who you are (an author might say that is shameful, a non-author may be amazed). the point is, if i say (which is pretty reasonable and accurate) that i didn’t write enough, i should call myself a liar. most paperback books have between 250 and 350 words per page, i wrote the equivalent to a 114 to 160 page paperback book. while it’s not the next american novel - shit - that’s a lot of pages. it’s a lot of words.

not sure if you care, but there were some amazing things I saw, read and wrote. here are some highlights:

• poem - Anna Akhmatova - Drink my soul, as if with a straw. Ciara gave me this author. she's amazing.
• short story - Neil Gaiman - the goldfish pool and other stories. a sad tale about how hollywood just forgets.
• essay - Cynthia Ozick - A drugstore winter - lovely lovely sad story - so reminiscent. 
• novel - John Scalzi - Agent to the stars - just fun. and funny. love this novel.
• shows - too many i love to name - Amanda Palmers book tour (me and a friend sang and cried like there were no tears left on the planet - it broke us open), Blood Countess (my roommate was amazing), Rose's Pawn Shop (best song ever and a great boy introduced it to me), It's a Wonderful Life - omg - I can't pick and there are 21 more. . . .
• Non-Fiction - Kathi Diamont - Kafka's last love. i left her seminar with mascara down my face. amazing.
• writing - well, everything i ever wrote my mother. it's more inspired and amazing than anything i've ever published. 

it helps me think, every day, i’m not horrible. i’m not less than. i am good. i am trying. and some day i’ll get there. i don’t even know where there is, it’s just not here. and i think if i keep striving to be better than now, better than here - that’s something. the second i stop caring, then you need to be worried.

the most significant thing that happened this year (yeah, something more significant than divorce and blood disease happened) is that i turned 40. it was amazing. my parents came (they won't let me show you pictures, but they were adorable and everyone loved them). i had the best time and here's one of the many many days i celebrated. so - onward to the next 40, because, fuck - life can only go up, right?

Stuffing my brain

i'm actually pretty impressed with myself. i have been stuffing and stuffing my brain with things (here's the original post).  i don't know that i'm doing it the way in which Mr. Bradbury was suggesting, but i am gorging myself with things.

and keeping track.  i'm one day behind because i didn't sleep the night before, but really - i'm reading and thinking and watching and thinking and consuming and thinking.  and i'm writing too. . . not as much as i know i can. but i am writing.

so strictly the numbers, sir.  it is day 14 of  the year 2014 and i should have read (until today) 13 short stories, 13 essays, and 13 poems.  i should have watched 2 old movies and written 2 short stories.  and i should be half way through my first novel. so - here's the tally (shoulda, coulda, woulda)

Short Stories --> Goal = 13; Actual = 12 - a little behind

Novel --> Goal = .5; Actual = 2 - HOLY RAVIOLI

Poem --> Goal = 13; Actual = 15 - it's not that hard

Short Story --> Goal = 13; Actual = 12 - a little behind

Film --> Goal = 2; Actual = 2 - this is a bit harder than i thought, but CHECK!

Blog --> no goal. . . weird. . . but i have this one and another one started. . . maybe they are essays. . .

Written Short Story --> Goal = 2; Actual = .5 - i working' on it

Play --> Goal .5; Actual = 0. . . but i got time

Show --> Goal = 1; Actual = 1 (i even stage managed it and had a freakin' blast)

Story Ideas --> no goal - but i got 7. . . so, i'm getting some great material for going forward.

sometimes it's really easy and sometimes it is really hard.  it's really hard when i'm tired and when i hate what i'm reading and when i can't seem to get the gumption to open a book or the computer. . . i get distracted and obsess about whatever it is that i want to do but can't for some reason instead of doing the thing i SHOULD be doing (or apparently WANT to be doing). . . i'm so much an enfp when it comes to that - distracted and can't finish anything.

it's really easy when i'm in the mood. . . but i don't know what triggers the mood. i am trying to figure it out. sometimes it's myself forcing me to actually do it because i always thank myself in the end (you know, like when you don't want to go out, but do anyway and are glad you did because you had so much fun? yeah, like that).  sometimes i can't stop thinking about the thing i need to write down so i write it down, but then can't convert (oh, the humanity. . . football references - my apologies. . .)

i want to talk to people about what i'm reading. but there are things to be done, and order to be followed, traditions to complete and needs to fulfill. work, outings, shows, cooking, cleaning, vegging, listening, loving. . . you know the rest of the life you live. so, i drink deeply when given the opportunity to talk about them. you are my captives, so i will indulge and share a few of my loves and hates of the last 14 days.

Kurt Vonnegut's  Novel MotherNight - beautiful and sad and . . . an honesty you feel yourself but never reveal. . . that's ok - he did it for you. i hear this is not typical of his writings. . . which i cannot know is good or bad or sad or just different. i will have to put another on the list to find out.

I know the Truth - a poem by MarinaTsvetaeva - you get it in so many different translations and luckily i stumbled upon one of the better ones. this line makes me fall in love with it each time. "The starry blizzard soon will freeze into the heaven" - i can see the blizzard of stars freezing into a beautiful heaven. if only i could find a picture of how this projects in the theater of my mind. i would let you in for just a moment to see it - it is more treasured than the locked and bullet proofed Mona Lisa. oh, to be a painter for this one.

on the lighter side, there is an essay by MauriceBaring (i actually have to figure out who that is) that is a letter from one of King Lear's (of the Shakespeare fame) daughters to her sister. It's an essay (though that seems weird to me), and very funny to me. . . however, i'm sure, given the King Lear play, the letter is likely not have been written with the satire i so see it.

another beautiful writing is an essay by CynthiaOzick called A Drugstore in Winter.  i don't know how to explain, but so . . . how i feel. . . it expresses me and make me love this woman as a kindred.

and, though, not keeping with Mr. Bradbury's edict of "the old ones" because i don't believe all the modern stuff is chum (as VirginiaWoolf begs us to remember in her 1925 essay about critics), my favorite short story (that i read for this)  is that of Neil Gaiman from Smoke and Mirrors called The Goldfish Pond and Other Stories. it is a sad recounting of how we can learn beautiful and wonderful things but forget them so easily because we are lulled into the banality of life. . . or maybe it is those glimmers we remember that allow him to weave the tale so we can bookmark it in our brains as something once shiny and new.  i say, favorite story that i read for this because my absolute favorite story he wrote (in short form - oh so many qualifications) is called The Price (from the same collection).  i didn't think it fair i re-read something i know i love for this stuffing of my head. but read this thing called The Price. . . especially if you are a cat person. 

it seems fitting that this is the author i feel i enjoyed most as he is a large reason i decided do this "challenge." like an omen, i first heard about Ray Bradbury shortly after i started following Mr. Gaiman on twitter. and then, slowly, over the next two years, i would randomly hear/see things about Mr. Bradbury. . . the last straw was when i chose to randomize my 3000 songs on my iPhone and Gaiman's The Man Who Forgot Ray Bradbury came on first. i decided to listen to Ray's talk then.  and now i'm loving learning and reading and consuming and feeling. . .so thanks neil.

there are so many to tell about and to type them all reviews here seems. . . too much and overwhelming, not only for me, but maybe for you too. i'll have to do something about that - maybe a page with what i've read and my rating. . . i don't know - anyway - i love doing this so far.

this is sort of a check in - i don't think for you as it is for me. . . thanks for listening

i know this i'm doing a lot to stuff my brain with reading and writing, but a while ago, on Facebook there was this "chain letter" of sorts about art (if you are Facebook, you would remember, but if you aren't, no worries. . . i don't think it matters) and i was given the artist Rene Magritte and i chose this beautiful painting, so i'll leave you with this. . .it's beautiful and i'd like to write a story about it.

Living the Ray Bradbury Way

I'm a terrible writer.  I don't necessarily mean I'm bad at writing, but I'm a terrible writer in the way that someone who is a hockey fan is terrible if they don't know who Bobby Hull (though, this is my favorite pop culture reference) or Wayne Gretzky is.  Until about two years ago, I had never heard of Ray Bradbury.  Don't judge. . .I'm a late bloomer.

And then for the two years following, I heard things about him and his writing and his 2001 "Evening with Ray Bradbury" address. Then came the last straw. I was reading through some of my "trade" IT blog entries and one of my favorite ones, Rands in Repose, posted this.  Except, it wasn't really the last straw because even though I read the short post, I didn't actually I DO anything except click a flag on my to do list so I would eventually look at it.

Which I did. On December 31, 2013. New Year's Eve. I listened to the hourish talk and it put me on a TEAR. I wrote 6 pages in my journal and I had an idea.  I mean, it was NYE and I was reflecting and I was lamenting on my lack of meeting my goals from last year (I haven't written the final recap post on that because it is so depressing. .. but you can read the update in the middle of the year here). And I thought, shit, I have to do something because what I'm doing is not making me happy. When I write, I'm happy and I'm not writing.

I could write about all the reasons I'm not writing, but the more important thing to do is just write.  So, back to my idea.

I want to live 2014 the way of Ray Bradbury.

The goal? Well, the short version is here (thank you Collin Marshall @colinmarshall).  The complete version is here.



But for me, there is a slightly longer"ish" version.

The year of 2014 will consist of the following for me:

1. Reading 365 poems - I'm taking suggestions for good poets 
2. Reading 365 essays - anyone have good ones? I'm starting with George Bernard Shaw
3. Reading 365 short stories - so. . . also, some suggestions are encouraged
4. Reading 12 books (I usually can do more than this, but with all this other reading, I figure 12 is a good number)
5. Reading 6 plays - I love plays, but I don't read them and haven't read them unless I've had to work on one.  It is silly that I don't, so I plan on it. And 6 is a lot given all the other reading I said I would do, no?
6. Watching 52 "old" movies - old is a relative term for me and Ray - old to me is from before I was born. . . old to him was the 20's and 30's - but don't worry, I won't shut them all out.
7. Going to the library 12 times (monthly if you aren't into doing math)
8. Seeing 12 shows of the art variety - maybe they'll be plays, maybe they'll be art shows, maybe they'll be comedy shows.  But I have to go see something monthly. So, if you have something you want to go see, I'm game - just ask.
9. Writing about my experience doing these things here, on this blog.  I know if I put a number here, I'll fucking fail at it.  So, I won't.  But I do want to do it often enough to see if it works.
10. Being inspired to keep writing
11. Writing 52 short stories because I want to see if I can defy Mr. Ray. . . I'm hoping I cannot.
12. Asking myself if, when I'm writing, do I feel joy?
13. Keeping a journal next to my bed and writing in the mornings.  I loved doing that before and I stopped when I filled a journal.  I have four to fill this year. . .
14. Trying to love myself - this one is the hardest because I think it is the real thing that makes me unhappy. I don't know how to do it, and I think and hope that by doing these thing, I will love myself more.

Some of these are very easy - just - time consuming.  In fact, I have exactly 2 hours to do #1-3 today.  The others are harder. And scarier.

So. . . here's to trying.  Someone wise told me that (and I'm paraphrasing) trying can't be worse than not trying and if you decide later that trying isn't worth it, you can always go back.

Raising my glass to you and the year of 2014!

Metrics of my life . . . or an update on my resolutions

I haven't written a posting in more than a month. . .I have written. . . but not very much and some of it is kind of debatable (see haiku here).  I did listen to three books, and finished reading one but let's be honest, that doesn't count. I'm actually pretty sure this post is going to suck because I have been having such a hard time writing.  I even figured out how I'm doing on my new year's resolution (which, again, if we're going to be honest, it really just my way of NOT writing and just doing data analysis. . . one of my weird but extremely satisfying and enjoyable "hobbies"). . .

But this isn't just about my writing.  It's about how I'm doing on my new year's resolutions. . . and ultimately me - making me feel better - making myself feel less shitty every day.  It's an update. . . and I figure if I tell it out loud (and as I'll explain later, if I actually RECORD and look at the data) I'll actually get better.  Because who wants to look like a failure . . . well if you do, then we are probably not friends.  Failing is one thing (you learn from it) WANTING to look like a failure - that just makes you stupid (and I hate stupid people). .. man this post is getting hostile.  Ok. ..

Here's the data on my resolutions (and unfortunately for you today (did I mention I've been UBER crabby this week) - my thoughts on that):

1) Stay more connected to my mom, sister, niece and nephews, my in-laws - my family

So, I'm doing better on this.  It has been a "little" hard to quantify because I haven't exactly recorded it in a spreadsheet. . . however, I do know that I have spoken to my family at least two or three times a month which - let me tell you - is WAY more than I ever used to do.  So, the lesson here, is that I need to record it - and yes, I have it now in my spreadsheet (aren't you excited about my recording of stuff?)

2) Write every day

Um, yeah, not doing so well. . . Here is the graph - looks like I was the best in January. . . which of course makes sense.  But now, I have to get better.

3) Post to my blog at least twice weekly

You know best about this. . . but here are the numbers

There have been 15 weeks - that means there should be 30 posts. . . yeah, I have ACTUALLY posted 9 times. . .

BUUUUUTTT - I have actually STARTED 20 total posts. . . this does not help you, or frankly me. . . so - I must do better.

4) Give myself a budget and stay on the budget

There will be no numbers here. . . that's a little too naked for me (and mostly for those people that will steal that information.  BUT, I'm not doing AWFUL.  I have money in my savings account and I am putting money away for travel, bills and charity.  I go OVER my budget every month, I think. . . (I haven't quite figured all the stuff I need to figure out about the budgeting tool I'm using - it's not Excel, so my learning curve is higher than I'd like) BUT I do see that I have spent less this month than the previous month and less the previous month than the month before that. . . so I'm headed in the right direction.

5) Lose 10lbs

so - this is vulnerable, and I'll share with you. . .note that top dotted line and the bottom dotted line is 10lbs. . . so I made it close to losing 5lbs.

so the deal with this one is that you can see I really recorded my weight every day starting in February and did pretty good into March. . . then I stopped.  And the interesting thing here is that I stopped pretty much doing ANYTHING around the same time. . . no writing. . . no calling. . . no posting and likely more spending occurred. 

I'm using this app called my mood tracker - check it out here .  But the problem is that when that whole "dip" happened somewhere in March, I stopped tracking that too.  But it's a cool app that has me record several things. .. my mood, my pain (if I have it), my pill intake (like aspirin or muscle relaxers or pain medication for my neck), my alcohol intake, my sleep, and my exercise.  It's super interesting because you can totally see where I was doing really well and when I'm not. . . AND it totally correlates to whether or not I'm doing well on my other goals.

Why do you care about this?  Well, likely you don't, but I've learned some really interesting things about 1) myself 2) why I feel this way and 3) why I should keep doing this recording crap.

Early in the year a wonderful and supportive friend brought me to a lunch "seminar" with her doctor and the talk was about being healthier.  There were two very important things that I took from that (and is why I did so well during a 30 day period so thank you my lovely!). I learned about the alkaline diet (and it's not really a "diet" - it's actually food that is more alkaline than other food and there are reasons this food is better to eat than others. . . it's actually scientifically based and I'm in).

But most importantly, I learned this quote

"Record takers are record breakers"

 - the doctor told us that he had learned it from a teacher back in his high school days and it has stuck with him (and it has now stuck with me).  I looked it up online and found only one other reference to this quote - oddly it's from a chiropractor and he's in Australia. . . the doctor that told me about it is also a chiropractor.  

But oddities aside, this quote completely caught me and I started recording things.  It's also why I'm sharing it with you. Being aware of it makes you want to get better.  Especially in my case because I'm a ridiculous data/metrics geek. And seeing that bar move or the pie chart change. . . is very satisfying.

So - important things I've learned from this post - and know I learned it right along with you reading. . .

1. keep recording things you fool
2. just write - it actually improves your mood and will get you back in the swing
3. my failure here is just a small failure, I have three quarters to help myself get better. . . and let's be honest 75% is way better than 33% and way better than 0% which is where I was last year.
4. I need to write a posting on my writing process.  It's starting to make me feel crazy, so I figure if I write about it, maybe that will help.
5. I need to tell you the duck story because this whole post - was me talking to my duck. . . this will make sense to like 4 people in my life.

Anyway - my kitty is here with me hanging out while I write and watch In Cold Blood from Investigative Discovery. . . I probably should tell you about that weird obsession too. . . and the angry birds problem I'm having which is likely getting in the way of all of the above mentioned shit. 

much love and thanks for hanging with me!