i can’t decide if it’s that i have NADD or if it’s “the trauma” or if it’s my ENFPness. . . but i can’t seem to follow through. i can’t seem to finish. i can’t seem to. . . well, complete a thought without going off the deep end about something else. i feel unfulfilled and tired. i’m unhappy. this manifests itself in so many ways.
at work, while my list is very detailed and i write one every day, i can’t seem to ever get through the list - it just grows. and i never do it in the order i think it should be done. you know that order. do the hardest thing first because it’ll take the longest, is the hardest, and mostly likely you don’t want to do it. i can’t even figure out why i don’t want to do things. and i only feel worse about it because i am usually the reason it’s on the list. i get these bursts of “yes! this is the idea! this is the thing we should be spending time on.” remember folks, do not come up with an idea unless you are willing to do the work because either no one else cares enough to do it or you know the most about what should be done, so you cannot escape. plus, if you don’t finish things or do things that you bring up that you think are important, you start to look like you can’t do your job. like you can’t finish things.
the kind of concentration it requires for me to stick to my list at all is IMMENSE. i only try to start with five things. just five. anymore and feel like i will not be able to finish them in one day. so five things. but then the meetings start. and the numbers get longer with more digits and higher on the scale from 1 to 100. today alone i know i added 10 things to the list. and that doesn’t even count the things i put down on the bottom of the page to remember to follow up with tomorrow because the things on the list from today need to have responses and then get communicated. . . it’s exhausting.
and then there are the not-meetings that happen. i love the not-meetings. those are the times when i get those inspirations about what i REALLY should be spending my time on. what our team should be spending their time on. i know this because those not-meetings are with people who believe i can make a difference. those not-meetings are meetings with people ON my team and people that are most definitely NOT on my team. some of them are just people i have come in contact with and we have connected about an issue we both care about. some of them are mentees. people that sought me out for which they would like to get career and personal growth advice. some of those people are people i used to work with on teams long ago in far away lands (our company is big) talking to me about things we still should be sharing across groups. these not-meetings are the spaces in the day that make anything i do in a big corporation completely worth any reservations i have in my political, moral, ethical, socialist, liberal mind. . . because i am a non-profit junkie and working in corporate america, no matter how good the company is, seems pretty counter to who i probably thought i would be when i grow up. (see what i did there?). anyway - i love the not-meetings. with the not-regular-people-who-aren’t-scheduling-meetings people.
some of those not-regular-people-who-aren’t-scheduling-meetings people are my friends checking in on me for not-meetings. because i am so scattered. because they are worried. because of “the trauma.” i haven’t actually gone into what “the trauma” is, but suffice it to say that if isn’t one thing now, it’s another thing later and by making it “the trauma” in quotes, i give myself a pretty easy way for the find-and-replace functionality in my word processing application. (clearly that needs to be addressed.)
but even the not-meetings bring up more items to put on the list. today? today, i think there were about three items that were added to the to-do list from a not-meeting. . . i think that means were up to 18 items on the to-do list plus the seven items at the bottom for which i will need to follow up which, of course, will lead to more items in later days for which i will need to communicate about. what’s that? 25 items. i started with 5. how many did i do?
today was a banner day, actually. i had to work really really hard at it. lots of deep breaths. if you know me, you know that the deep breaths are hard too because they make me want to punch something. the fact that i even need to do deep breaths is actually why i want to punch something. not the actual breathing. unfortunately, it helps, which makes me annoyed. hence the desire to practice unmitigated fight club shit. but back to how many i finished. well, after re-reading the list multiple times, one had to be crossed off due to it’s duplication of another item. that left 24 things. the seven follow up items did not get completed because i was trying not to get distracted and moving on to the other things on the list. that left 14 items. i know i didn’t do two specific tasks because 1) i feel like i shouldn’t really be doing it at work since it seems like funish projects. . . and creative. . . and gifty. and 2) because they are both really really hard and labor-intensive. that leaves 12 items. i did 10 of them. and there were some pretty hard things on them. . . just not as hard as the two i didn’t do. the other two items where just. . . not “hot” enough to give them attention. besides. i was exhausted by the time i got those 10 items checked off of the list.
did i mention, that not only did i get 10 items checked off on my list, but i attended five 1-hour meetings and three 30-minute or less not-meetings (that’s a low not-meeting number, actually). i also had lunch which means i only worked 8 hours today. i could have worked 9 - i have an extra hour to spend downtown today, so i could be working an extra hour. . . like on the hard thing. but i’m not. because i couldn’t concentrate anymore. i couldn’t think about work one more second. i was even given a great white paper to read on bright spots (a pet buzz wordy type idea that comes from one of my favorite business books called Switch: how to make change when change is hard) but i couldn’t even concentrate to read that.
but i could concentrate enough to come up with what i wanted to write about. but i never write anything anymore. because of “the trauma” - or maybe it’s my ENFPness. . . or my self esteem, or my NADD or - HEY - LOOK! BABY WOLF. yeah. . .
look at that - i just patted myself on the back for getting 10 to-dos done and having six and half hours of meetings in one 8-hour work day. but i did it by telling you what i DIDN’T do. . . or why what i didn’t do should have been done first. i even just told you about not writing. except that i am. i am writing right now. in the lunchroom at work. but i never feel like i am writing. i am distracted ALWAYS (they teach you to never say “always” and “never” in business, but i figured since i’m not talking about work anymore, i can break that rule.
even now, i wanted to listen to music, but couldn’t get the music i wanted to listen to to work and i didn’t want to not listen to music, so i just went looking for music. without finishing a thought. without finishing a sentence or a paragraph - i just started doing something else. it’s INFURIATING. (in case you didn’t catch that i actually went back and finished that paragraph and sentence, i did. thank god for the editing process)
but work isn’t the only place i never feel like i finish anything. i just don’t anywhere in life.
i wrote to my mom about a week ago asking her if i ever finished anything. well, writing is a strong word. i texted her. i never did get an answer. when we finally talked to each other, all we could do was catch up and talk about things and get distracted by thoughts that were spawned by previous things. . . so. . . i’ll have to ask her again.
the point is, i never finish anything. or at least it doesn’t feel like it. i become paralyzed. right now i’m paralyzed by fear of failure to even write anything on my novel. i’m so distracted that i’ve written several blog postings and taken a few notes here and there about ideas. i’ve mapped out a story arc of some story that i may want to tell some day. and at writing group last week, i remembered a story i need to write that was inspired by a dream my mom told me about. it’s a beautiful story and i have tons of ideas and everyone at group was really excited about it. yet, i have not put one word to page about it (except here). it’s terrifying that it won’t be what it is supposed to be. it’s beautiful in my mind. if i could just rent out my mind for you to see the story, it would be so much easier.
i have distracted myself from writing and doing and being and from what will really help me feel satisfied. the distraction is made up of watching endless episodes of criminal minds (if you knew how many seasons i went through in a week you’d wonder about my sanity). it’s made up of watching movies, reading books (Amy Poehler’s Yes Please is amazing and she’s my spirit animal right now), going to plays (Blood Countess - a must see before it goes!), hanging out and singing karaoke, planning and attending happy hours and brunches. it’s all quite wonderful, of course, but it sure as shit isn’t getting any of my stories written. i’m not cleaning my house, which is essential to my happiness. an orderly clean house is a happy house for me. except here, i am, writing. right now.
i’m feeling this shift. a shift bringing order. a shift towards starting to care about being happy rather than just laying on the couch watching endless amounts mindless crime drama. i’ve graduated to fight club, seven, avp, sophie’s choice, and insomnia. . . not exactly a recipe for happiness, except it works for me. they help me get into the writing cave. it’s dark in there and sometimes pretty awful, but so so productive. i’m even impressed that i am close to finishing this as a blog posting.
my home list is getting longer, but this week was the first time i actually crossed anything off of it in about. .. two months. it’s things like -) take willie to the vet -)buy cat litter -) do the dishes -) finish divorce shit (hint. . .part of "the trauma") - and then there is the more complicated and repetitive things on the list like, -) write daily morning pages -) find ways to focus -) don’t be a dick to your best friends -) do one push up a day. . . these are harder and i haven’t started them. well, i’m trying really hard at the don’t be a dick one. it could be going better, but it is the most important one so i’m keeping at it.
and so the shift continues every day. this weekend i will have written another 1,000 words, crossed off things on the list that will take guilt bricks away, and generally feel. . . less like my body can’t get out of bed. i’m pretty sure i will never be able to not get distracted. i’m trying to accept that it’s part of my charm. but i do, like the rest of humanity, like to tick off accomplishments. i like to turn around and say - hey - look, i did that.
so - hey, look - i wrote this blog.
p.s. - the research to put baby wolf pictures in here made for a very long and adorable distraction. . . i highly recommend searching the intertubes for baby wolves
