I have just spent the last two hours falling down the internet rabbit hole. We all know it. We all have done it.
I don't know if it means anything and I don't know if anyone will be inspired by any of these things. But I was and now I feel better. And the best part? It inspired me to write. Maybe it isn't a fiction story, but it is writing. They say that practicing your craft will only help (well, to those of us that are firmly on the side that one must practice writing to be good at it - this is a whole other rabbit hole, just trust me on this today).
So. . . enjoy, be inspired, and love. Happy Valentine's day to you. . .
First, it led me to watch "Hallelujah" covered by Amanda Palmer, but then because she said something about Leonard Cohen (Songs of Leonard Cohen), I had to buy that album. I am currently immersing myself in this album while I write.
And then when as I was reading comments on that blog, I saw that I could have a download of AFP and GTO's Boston concert which has some freakin' awesome shit on it.
And as I kept reading, I read (or really read more) about Becca Darling, the bee charmer who was a dear friend of Miss Amanda who passed recently. She had a music blog and has provided many gifts of music. I have been trying to find a way to get more music in my life, so I spent some time listening and will be spending some serious time there.
This listening made me think about my friend Courtney (@c_johnston) who was tired of not having a great music blog, so started one herself . . . and I'm sad because I don't think she knew about the bee charmer AND because she hasn't posted in a month. http://courtneyheardthis.tumblr.com
Then as I was reading some "back issues" of Miss Amanda's blog, I read about Amanda Todd and started reading about bullying and the foundations her mother has shared with everyone. And the comments are amazing. I wanted to share my own bullying story, but it's so old and I'm not sure where to start or what I want to accomplish by telling people about it. But I have one, and I was scared and sad until almost my junior year in high school. I'm sure people that know me might be very surprised that I was bullied. Those that have met me in my latter years, would find this pretty unbelievable. . . I'm not the wilting flower type. . . anymore. . . mostly. Anyway, please read here. Please share, please love and please reach out.
I even got so far down the hole that I googled "internet rabbit hole" - and this is the reason I give myself when I'm reading and surfing instead of doing "real writing". . .
But two pretty significant things happened to me on the internet today (this is a totally shameful sentence to write because the internet is not personally for me even though it is).
1. Kickstarter FINALLY gave me an iPhone app - I'm screwed and my budget is gone to hell, but more artists will be funded by me. . .
2. The new recording and video for The Bed Song came out. I watched it on the bus - I cried. I made Mikal watch it. Make your loved one watch it - it's a cautionary tale. If you have every been in a rut with your loved one, watch this - remember to ask -
I was thinking about my last 12 months and trying to figure out what I had been doing because I felt lazy (again). I often pontificate about my penchant for procrastination (see this post) which I think must be annoying to you that follow my goings on, but I do often feel this way. But after I took a look at what I had done over the year, I found that I was anything but lazy.
I started off the year vowing to retire from theater. . . and then started rehearsals for Cabaret. To be fair, this is a show I wanted to do - NEEDED to do. It was a gig working with Terri Weagant. Who doesn't want to do that? NO ONE - I love her and I loved her vision of a story I had never heard (do not judge me for never having seen it before). In addition, it was a gig working with Jesse McNeece who had done the music for Rocky Horror (another show I had never seen) (oh and he's in this band). Jesse's Rocky Horror will always be MY RockyHorror and no other. I can't even listen to that other stuff. It is now the same with Cabaret. It was an amazing time with amazing people. One of the highlights of this particular show as seeing Gary Zinter perform. I had been by his side as his right hand woman for many show before, but had not seen him perform like this - not ever. And it was EPIC. EPIC people. Then. . . then there was the fantastical Monica Wulzen. . . shit - if you heard her Sally Bowles you would never want to listen to Liza Minelli again - WAIT WAIT - I CAN SHOW YOU!!
And if being with four of my favorite artists (and people) wasn't enough, I met some amazing artists through the process and got to work with some people I have loved for years. If I could find links for them, I put them
Josh Hartvigson
Rebecca Davis
Todd Hull
Daniel Wood
Kayla Walker
Tadd Morgan
Brett Brennan
Peter Farrar
Mckenna Turner
Kacey Shiflet
Marquetta Miller
Julia Griffin
Joan Jankowski
Cole Stevens
Kate Moore - she makes my hair beautiful!
Sara Porkalob
Cassidy Katims
Christine Denker
Anita Goodmann
Jeffery Henry ArtStar Charlatan
Rodney Shrader
Emma Hassett Julia Evanovich - a most fantastical artist with vision I wish I had Jordan Christianson - most fracking talented wonderful awesome man who made me a princess superhero
During that experience, I also decided, after having seen myself in some pictures, lost 20lbs. I worked hard at it and used something called the HCG diet. It's not for everyone, but it worked for me. And I've kept the weight off (except these last 5lbs during the holiday season) off for the whole year. I have info on this diet if you are interested.
While I was working on Cabaret, Jesse suggested this thing called Kickstarter (something Monica had tried to get me to look into for a year before - sorry Monica!!). And I fell in love. We raised more than $2000 for Cabaret through crowd-funding. I have, to this date, helped fund more than 17 projects for different artists. I LOVE IT! Many of my friends have been recipients of some of the kickstarter items. I think Rick Simon has a wallet, Ciara a small art box, Alan is getting something later in the year and my husband has some art we'll be hanging on the wall. It's amazing.
This is how I met Amanda Palmer (well, met her metaphorically anyway). Meeting AFP was the most flood gate opening avalanche of inspiration I ever experienced. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you that Amanda Fucking Palmer is pretty much the only music that I've listened to since June. It's a bit embarrassing. But in addition to loving her music, she is really the reason I've done all the OTHER stuff in my life in the past 6 months. She inspired me. Everyone (all you wonderful friends) have told me the whole time that I'm talented and worth it and I should go after what I want, but until I heard Amanda Palmer, I didn't believe it.
The thing is, she does this for almost every person that she meets, every person that listens to her music, every person that she's touched in some way or another. If you read her blog, you will be amazed at her life, her strength, her friends, her fans, her music, and the karmic bank account she holds. She is living the life I wanted as a younger me but was just too afraid to live. Maybe I put her too much up on the pedestal, but honestly, I needed something to kick me in the pants. And maybe it wasn't just Amanda Palmer that was the catalyst for the life I feel like I live and love now.
I guess I was searching. . . after Cabaret, I retired from theater. No one believes that I actually retired, but other than doing a fantastic and awesome show for my friend Mitzy Sixx for her birthday (at ReBar), I ACTUALLY retired. I have not done any shows since. I haven't been asked either, but I also haven't gone looking for them. I wanted to follow my own creative path.
So, how does this lead to AFP unleashing the creative explosion in me? Well, I didn't know where to focus my energy or time. I sewed and knitted. I made myself a dress, some reusable shopping bags, more fingerless gloves (and despite what my husband says, I only have three pairs now). I thought about making everyone's christmas gift (this did not happen). But I got bored and did not have the patience.
My next move was volunteering for Noise for the Needy. It's a great group that chooses a different deserving organization and who doesn't want to go to see local bands play? I met a great group of people and went to several venues I had never been to before. It was quite fun to be on the volunteering end where I just showed up, did as they asked and then went home. I didn't have to organize anyone! I would love to do it again.
I also met a whole new group of people and at least one Wednesday a month is totally worth it. It is the Bus Stop Dub Club; a club where people who like music get together and tell each other about music they like. Jesse invited me and I was a bit nervous because the people in it are DJs and people that work at music venues and musicians and stuff. . . and then there's me, a person who just likes music. But I should not have been afraid. They are lovely, inviting, and sometimes they even like my music. The best part about that night is that they play your playlist in the bar (it makes me feel famous)!
There is one thing that I haven't really talked about that I've done in the last 4 months. Mostly because you might show up if I told you about it. It is way easier to do it when you are anonymous in a room full of strangers. I've been doing a couple of these events called "storytelling". They give you a theme, the story must be true, it must have happened to you and you are not allowed to use notes. And then people come and listen to you tell stories. It's amazing. And I've performed. More than once. And no one has booed (they aren't the booing type). So. . . I may keep doing that. And keep not telling you.
So, I was volunteering and doing other cool things, but still searching for something. And that's when Ciara emailed me and asked me if I wanted to walk a marathon. TOTAL INSANITY. So, I said yes, walked a 5K, two 10Ks, a 1/2 marathon and the marathon (I talked about here). The point is that I was "looking for something". Each of the walk training sessions was with AFP and her music and lyrics just spoke to me. And I let loose! The rest of the year was a crazy flurry of things to do and see and create.
Amanda Palmer was in the news everywhere for her Kickstarter Campaign being so successful. That lead to articles on crowd-funding in general. I had been successful myself with the Cabaret campaign and decided I was going to put the theory that it could work to the test. I crowd-funded a sponsorship for a table at the University District Food Bank Auction this year. It's an auction I love (it's awesome and involves amazing people - I'm talking about you Megan Knight) and go to every year. Through the love, kindness, and caring of people I know and people I don't know, it was successful. I talked about it earlier this year here and here.
That was an amazing fantastical time and it made me believe in myself and the humanity of others and now I didn't want to stop! And it was political season. Historically, I tell people, if you don't vote, you don't get to complain. So, this particular year was important to me for the presidential campaign - I didn't care WHO you voted for (well, I did. .. but I'm not going to hate you because of who you believe in), as long as you voted. I had never been "involved" in the political campaigns but this year, I went and donated to several political campaigns. If you don't think you can affect your government, you are wrong, local government and local government officials can be the change you want. In this new endeavor (thank you Megan Knight) I met Noel Frame, who is an amazing amazing, amazing woman. And although she didn't win I know she will do great things in the future. I hope to see her out there again and I will donate again. Please read about the awesome things this woman does.
Meeting people like Noel and listening to her made me want to do even more. So, I volunteered to phone bank for Washington United for Marriage. It was an amazing expereience where I called people in Washington State and talked to them about ensuring that all Americans have the equal rights and one of those rights is marriage. I even managed to convince someone that they would think about voting to make it legal for everyone (at the beginning he was telling me how he would NEVER vote for it, so talking him into a place where he'd even think about it seemed like a victory). And guess what, my state, has decided that every person has the right to marry any person they love. I made a difference.
Speaking of marriage - I also celebrated my 1 year anniversary married to Mikal and got to go on my Honeymoon to Turkey! Turkey is beautiful and my time there was amazing. There is so much to tell about Turkey, I couldn't possibly do it here, but here are some pictures and a funny posting about their TV (so interesting).
I was in Turkey when my Amanda Palmer album dropped. I spent about an hour trying to download it on my ipad (it was the only musical device I had with me since Mikal wouldn't let me bring the iphone). This hour seriously delayed my ass sitting on the beach time for the day. But it was COMPLETELY worth the wait. Check it out here, if you want - it's pay what you want - I would pay at the high level EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. And that's just ONE of the things that is cool about her - she knows we all can't afford that.
I was happy. . . there are pictures.
When I got back, two very significant things happened. 1) I applied AND GOT IN to "writing school". and 2) I saw Amanda Palmer in concert (and word a fucking fantastical outfit made by the lovely and ridiculously talented Jordan Christanson). These are two things that cannot be explained in 1 paragraph each. They both deserve their own postings and gods willing I stick to my new year's resolutions, you will see in the future.
And while that was all happening, I saw some shows - great shows, fun shows, shows with my peeps, shows with my step-daughter, shows with my husband, shows I talk about, shows that I don't talk about, shows. Here are some of my favorite shows I saw this past year.
Mama Mia
Bloc Party
First Date
Elf
Legally Blonde
{title of show}
Wicked
I am ending this year with excitement for next year. If the last 12 months of my life doesn't say some cool shit, then I should just stop trying. . . but 1) COOL SHIT and 2) it's not in my nature.
A couple of weeks ago, I posted about the struggle that young women have today. I've been obsessively thinking about it and talking with my friends . It was really interesting how, without much work, effort, or thinking, how many things related to this subject came up in just the first 5 days after getting all worked up. Kickstarter campaigns (another obsessive activity), news articles, twitter and facebook posts, television shows I watch, books in my house, and people at work.
I thought - THIS is my new direction!!! THIS is the purpose I'm looking for. Epiphany HAD OCCURRED and now everything would be ALL BETTER. I know I can help show there are wonderful role models for young women in the world. I just hadn't quite worked out the HOW that was going to happen.
this is how I felt - and Willie hung in there with me
Then - depression hit - a melancholia of the deepest order landed on my lap - manic periods ensued - days of eating the WORST foods stretched not only my will, but my stomach. All this culminated in three days of no sleep. I could barely work on that Friday morning. The words coming out of my mouth only really made sense as individual words, not entire coherent sentences. I determined I needed to go to sleep (duh, I know).
Then the thing the following three days became my saving grace. Again (not that it is surprising that I talk too much but) - please hang in there with me, this will all make sense in the end (I hope).
Day 1 (a Saturday) - I spent the entire day with my husband. We went to see Prometheus (this will need to be another post because there is much to say there) and then went shopping for duct tape (really, Gorilla tape, but to help those that understand duct tape onboard. ..it's duct tape) and pillow filler. I believe you are now confused - so let me explain.
I like to sew. I have been making clothing for a long time in my life and it helps fulfill a weird artistic thing in my soul. Some folks like to sew quilts, some do costumes, and some do bags. Mostly, I like to sew dresses and skirts (it's a bit selfish, but whatever, I feel like the end product is more likely to be used than if I did any of the others, PLUS, I'm the only one I have to please, so I'm heading off rejection just in case). I can get most stuff done well enough, but sometimes there comes a point where it becomes, well, exhausting - it goes something like this.
get up off the floor (my sewing table in my only table and it's a coffee table which naturally leads to me sitting on the floor in front of the machine).
get naked
put on item
go to the mirror
attempt to pin or draw on you waist, boob, or back/butt (the last is the hardest, I'm sure you can imagine)
take off said item without poking yourself (not easy, just not easy)
reclothe
get back on floor
sew
repeat
The process often takes more time than I have patience for. To be successful at sewing for myself, it is a GREAT help to have a body form - and so, I lack a body form.
It's really Gorilla Tape
How does this relate to duct tape and pillow stuffing? Well, after doing much googling, reading, and watching of youtube videos, I learned I could make my own body form with duct tape. You see, I wanted instant gratification rather than having to go out and purchase one at a store or online. Plus, it's supposed to be less expensive.
So - after Prometheus, I had Mikal duct tape me into a body form. Note this is an EMBARRASSING picture, but I know you wanted to see it.
It was less than successful - I think Mikal would have called it a success if he could have left me in it. . . However, it turns out, we didn't do it tightly enough and my boobs looked as big as the rest of me. I'll add here, that I had a self esteem dip due to this misrepresentation of my body. Mikal and I both agreed that I did NOT look like the duct tape clone which made the dip, not so bad.
The important part of Day 1 was that we did a project together. We talked, watched a movie and had kind of a fun time duct taping and being duct taped. It was a fun spending time together. Recharge #1 - time spent with my husband.
a body form will
help me finish it!
Day 2 - DESPITE the failed body form attempt, I spent the day sewing a dress - it's still not done, but it's pretty close! The important part of this day is that I accomplished something I had forgotten I liked so much. recharge #2.
Day 3 - I had a pretty hard conversation with my boss about my unhappiness. He and I agreed that this had not that much to do with work and more to do with life. - this feeling isn't going to last forever, it will pass, I just have to figure out how to get there. Without my knowing it, I had started this journey to get back to fully recharged (see Day 1 and Day 2)
So, that night I went to see Ciara, my best friend and another touch stone I need to be normal (she was also in the post of women I admire). She was leaving in a few days to Spain for a month. I had not seen her in about a month and I absolutely could NOT miss a chance to see her before she went on her trip! I had stayed away for so long because I had mistakenly thought that she needed some space. When in reality, she'd been finding things to do because I was busy. My time with Ciara was completely needed to fill my tank up to full.
After leaving Ciara's, I came home and slept soundly for the first time in more than a week.
What these three days taught me is that I have neglected myself and helped myself into my crazy spiral of depression by NOT CONNECTING with the three people I need in order to stay grounded: my husband, myself, and my best friend. I hadn't been able to think straight because I didn't do what I knew to be true (and had been reminded of with that Meyer's Briggs test) - I need people to be me - Recharge #3
So, having gone through this epiphany, depression and then understanding, I understand that I need to go through a process to figure out what I want and can do about promoting women role models. Maybe even that phrase "promoting women role models" isn't exactly the end result I'll find. But I know I want to do something with all of this information about awesome women I know or don't know about. I want it to be a journey to find the end product. I don't know what the end product will be, but it will be a journey.
I'm now ok with the fact that I don't know, but I do know that it will be a process and sometimes, being IN the process is the right thing.
So - what does my epiphany and journey mean for all of you? Here is what I can tell you.
I'm going to write about that journey here. Every post may not seem related, but they are all related to how I go through the journey I call my life and will shape anything that becomes an end product.
There will be a page on this blog that has links or notes on all of my "research" about this journey
I'll be reaching out to EVERYONE I know and maybe those that I don't know to get more information and more research
But MOSTLY, if you so choose, it means you will be able to:
Come along on my journey
Call me out when I need your help to remind me that all is not lost
Celebrate with me when I have triumphs
Teach me about what I need to know to stay on the journey
So - things to look forward to (at least for me, and maybe for you!)
A body form!!! I'm buying one - any suggestions of type would be appreciated, but here's the one I'm currently researching.
discussion about some of my favorite people's women they admire (here are a few)
Klondike Kate
Geena Davis
Rachel Maddow
Dorothy Parker
Madeleine Albright
More about the women I talked about before and maybe some new ones (like Ultra - my comic hero)
Kickstarter campaigns that promote women as role models
Maybe interviews with those that want to support this sort of thing (Megan - I'm talking about you and that cool event you went to last night!)
news articles we should be reading
opinions about all of this stuff
you helping me through this journey and being part of it
