Raise your fist with me

Over the new year weekend, I received an email from a friend who used to work for me years ago and was starting the following Monday to work for me again. But it wasn’t about work. It was about who she thinks I am.

It was an email with 41 words and a link. But the most important thing about the email was that she thought this was a thing I would/should (probably more would than should) do.

The end of my 2015 sucked ass. I got sick and spent the weekend before Christmas in the ER and was down for the count for two weeks. I couldn’t leave my bed or my bathroom. Colitis sucks, people.

And then at the beginning of the year,I lost my last cat, my 19 year old companion. I’d lived with her longer than I’d lived with anyone else, even my parents. So, shit was bad, and I hated everything and felt like I hadn’t done anything last year. It was awful. . . But this thing. This thing happened.

It was called www.yearcompass.com. I didn’t look at it over that weekend, but then I looked at it Monday morning, the first Monday of the month, January 4th. How was I going to shape my year? And dude, like I said before, I did SHIT the year before, so there is no reason to look back. I didn’t even write a blog about what I had accomplished for 2015 over the weekend because it seemed like I hadn’t done anything. And I always write something about the year before. And I was sure I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. But then on Monday, the 4th, I read about this booklet.

I told my friend that I would totally do this and would she do it with me and could I write it out and share it with her and would she share hers with me. We agreed.

The next 4 days I spent time doing this “The Year Ahead” booklet. But the first page taught me everything I think about myself is wrong. I am not lazy. I am not terrible. I am not a loser. The irony of these words does not escape me. I mean, every year for the last few years I write the same thing. . . “I’m so lazy. I don’t do anything. But wait. I did do things. Lots of things. Why do I always think I’m such a slag?”

This past year, 2015, is no different.

The first page tells you to consider the following: “Go through last year’s calendar week by week. If you see an imporTant event, family gathering, friendly get-together or significant project, write it down here.”

I didn’t have enough room.

I finished a tarot class
I started a writing group, where one of the writers finished a book
I met Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker at my writing conference
I saw Rose’s Pawn Shop
I stayed overnight with Simon playing games and telling stories about the slumperflurfer that lived under the couch and needed carrots - and every time it got carrots gave a kissing fit to laughing boys
I saw Amanda Fucking Palmer in Vancouver (I’d never been) with all of her TED TALK friends!!
I played smashputt!
I did Lauren’s hair and makeup for prom. She wanted to be cinderella and had a dress to match
I walked a marathon
I went to the women’s world cup
I attended a women’s conference and was inspired; meeting Gloria Steinem and Alice Walker (who does that???)
I stage managed Gary’s 50th birthday and had the fucking time of my life and loved on Gary and Rodney
I orchestrated a winning sock drive for homeless
I watched ET with Ciara. . . Watching movies with her is a healing experience.
I had two bouts of anaphylactic shock that left me on the couch for three total weeks - but it didn’t kill me - so fuck you antibiotics
I finalized my divorce
I went to see March4th and loved on Shannon and Shelia
I attended Derek and Kristin’s wedding, re-connecting with my soul twin Kelly
I lost 20lbs
I told a story as part of an event about my amazing familyship with Ciara
I got Colitis
An employee came back to work for me
I took a road trip to Montana in a corvette
I went to Florida in JULY to hang with my family. And it was amazing and fantastic, reminding me that despite my closed offness, they heal me.
I lost my Willie
I visited Alistair’s family for Doug’s 70th birthday and was reminded how much I belong
I celebrated my and Jennifer’s birthday with oreo cakes
I rooted for the Green Bay Packers at a playoff game with the Seahawks and kept all my friends
I discovered Kat Robicoud
I hired a life coach
I hired an assistant
I stage managed The Lion in Winter and could not be prouder of this production
I wrote more than 50K words.
I asked for help


There were 8 more pages that asked me to relive my most important events, accomplishments, avoidances, challenges, risks,fears,favorite things, people that helped me and that I helped, made me realize what I needed to forgive and let go, and helped me boil my last year into a book title with three themes: learning, change and asking.

The book title to 2015?

The Fool’s Journey.

Don’t judge. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t. Look up the Fool/Tarot.

And then came the planning for 2016.

I am not a planner. . . Not in anyone’s imagination.

But, despite this depression (getting colitis and being in the ER during the week of Christmas and your birthday and then losing your 19 year old cat a two weeks later will totally fuck with you and help you right into the darkness of depression), it gave me hope. It made me smile. It inspired me.

The first thing it asked me was this: What does the year ahead of you look like? What will happen in an ideal case? Why will it be great? Write, Draw, let go of your expectations and dare to dream.

My answer?

Hopeful. Full of family and travel and writing and friends and change. I will leap. I will step off the sidewalk to see what it is like off the path. I will give myself, all the way, to the universe. I will hide nothing, be shamed by nothing. I will close my eyes, throw back my head and my arms out wide to let the universe fill all the space with no apologies. And when I fall, I’ll get back up by asking my loves to give me a hand.

And then I remembered I was going to share this with another person. It was terrifying and I realized I had committed to telling another person of all my failures. But then I looked at my dare to dream statement. How could I NOT share this with her. I had declared my unabashed vuneralbility. I would start out the year being a fraud if I didn’t share it with anyone.

And so I will live it. I believe that stating these things to me. Stating these things to you will inspire, compel and propel me to that. And I’ve shared that statement of dream to many people. Close people and not close people. I want to be free to declare myself always. And so I do.

I am brave
I am courageous
I am vulnerable
I am fragile
I am strong
I am fallible
I am trusting
I am trustworthy
I am worthy

I give myself to the universe.

I believe the universe will give right back.

I know that I can lift my fist in the air and say
Fuck yes.
I am here.
I love.
I am loved.
I see you.
We are connected.

AND I SAY TO ALL MY PEOPLE (you know who you are - I love you):
FUCK YES
YOU ARE HERE
I AM HERE
WE LOVE EACH OTHER
WE ARE LOVED BY EACH OTHER
THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME
WE ARE CONNECTED

Here is to 2016.

p.s. I share with her tomorrow. And I’m not afraid. oh, and here are some pictures https://goo.gl/photos/AVsD66XPUbshyHhFA

30 for 30 has gotten me totally inspired

today is day 11 of 30 days of writing.  it's been so helpful in getting me unstuck. i've been stuck for months and months and months. and for some reason, at the end of September, i was ripe for change. Dustin asked me to go to this "open mic" night at the Hugo House to see him read some of his work. i hadn't seen him in months and i always leave our writing groups with so much excitement and inspiration, i thought it would be good to see him (miss him so much!!) and see what he'd been working on. i needed out of this funk.

it was the exact right time.

i found this note on the table we were sitting at and it hosted a graphic that spoke to me.

i thought it would be a good idea for Dustin to do since he was so good at being regular with his writing (he's totally my hero on this. . .). but a few days later, he emailed me, telling me he had taken a look and maybe we could do it together. i don't even know what possessed me to say yes since the previous three or four months i'd been completely terrified to open up my computer or my notebook.  the thought of writing anything made me want go into a fugue state. so, when i said yes, i think it surprised me more than Dustin.

and so far. . . it hasn't be horrible. the complete opposite (for those of you following this horrible pattern are likely screaming at your screens, "seriously kp. you fucking say this every few months. .. " continue. . . ). it's been great. i've written about Laffy Taffy (a caper at work), what it's like to have to arrange a funeral, the rivers etched into your skin when you take a shower, college reminiscents, parts of a novel i've been desperately trying to rid my mind of, part of a novel in my brain i want to let ruminate in that same brain, and the weird parallels between the global warming conspiracy and when a democrat is in office while the economy appears to be booming. . . all weird, but all good. the two things i wrote related to my novel. . . it's amazing. i'm so excited to finally be actually writing about it. 

i even went to the open mic night on 10/5 to read something from one of the novels. it was liberating! i even auditioned a story for a storytelling night. .. and i cannot wait to edit it if they choose it. and even if they don't, i'll now have a place to send more pitches. 

so. . .not so bad for 11 days. 

oh - and this whole thing is to raise money for the Hugo House.  I don't know if any of you have heard of it, but it's amazing. when i went to my first open mic in September, to listen, it reminded me so much of the play from San Miguel that parroted what it must have been like back when Kerouac and Burroughs had done readings in front of their friends fueled by the alcohol and camaraderie.  it felt like home. i think i looked over at Dustin at some point in the evening and said, "why haven't we done this before??" it was a question asked that seemed so . . . late - i mean, it felt so right to be there with these other people. 

i became a member about a day and a half later, as soon as i had a second to go to their website. and i never want this place to go away. so, if you feel so inclined to help support a community that supports me as a writer, i would be extra grateful (as i am already grateful you are here reading this). many thank yous. i'm hoping that out of this 30 days i'll get something i can submit for publishing. . . or at least something that's fit to post here as a fiction. but nothing has totally taken shape yet. but keep me doing it. which means i'm about to do a weird ask. . . and give. . . 

if you decide you can donate some cash - $20 or more, i'll totally write you a micro fiction of any topic you want. and send it to you. . . really. it may be horrible, but you'll get me writing. holy crap - i'm terrified. . . ready?

set?

go!!!!!

today someone asked me where my blog post was. . .

which is both amazing and awful.  amazing because people care and are keeping me accountable.  it is awful because I'm a bit behind on some things which of course sucks - because i'm accountable for not meeting the goal exactly.  I'm actually ahead on other things, but mostly behind.

the more amazing thing, though, several people i admire, who are writers too, have talked to me about their next writing adventures and their goals. it's amazing. i love it. i'm enjoying every second of reading, learning, absorbing, but also sharing and talking.

so here goes.

the things you DON'T see here are

1. that i'm at 0% for both completed stories and reading of any plays. . . but i'll get there.
2. a blog i have started that really has nothing to do with this, but i'm trying to find a finish to. i'm pretty sure i'll finish it this weekend.
3. two stories that are in partial states of completion.
4. the excitement i feel for the shit i'm doing.

i don't feel too badly about this. i mean, the films are easy because it's pretty easy to put something on.  if you like it, you really get into it.  i LOVED All About Eve - super clever. and of course - Betty Davis. last night i watched Mildred Pierce - the original from 1945, not the one they did in mini series with Kate Winslet (though, i'm hooked now and am likely to watch that too).

i started reading Philip K. Dick which has been really interesting.  Valis is amazing and i am loving some short stories.  i hear he's a misogynist but so far in the things i've read, it's not so much that - a little in Second Variety.  i actually loved this story until about three pages until the end. . . which is when it became predictable. but this Valis novel. . . it is so . . . revealing to me.  revealing of parts of my life i didn't really understand.  i think it's kind of unlocking some things i experienced in my earlier life. saying that is a bit scary as it will likely give you some insight to my life without any context. 

but i'm super excited with some new developments. . . one i'm not ready to talk about but the other is that my writing conference is only three weeks away.  it's motivation for sure.

i'm moving forward - that's the good thing. and to be honest - right now i'm focused on the good things.

here's what i'll leave you with this week - i was dog sitting last weekend with a wonderful puppy (he's like 70lbs and not really a puppy, but damn, gotta love that face - he's all love). we were napping after some writing. 

Stuffing my brain

i'm actually pretty impressed with myself. i have been stuffing and stuffing my brain with things (here's the original post).  i don't know that i'm doing it the way in which Mr. Bradbury was suggesting, but i am gorging myself with things.

and keeping track.  i'm one day behind because i didn't sleep the night before, but really - i'm reading and thinking and watching and thinking and consuming and thinking.  and i'm writing too. . . not as much as i know i can. but i am writing.

so strictly the numbers, sir.  it is day 14 of  the year 2014 and i should have read (until today) 13 short stories, 13 essays, and 13 poems.  i should have watched 2 old movies and written 2 short stories.  and i should be half way through my first novel. so - here's the tally (shoulda, coulda, woulda)

Short Stories --> Goal = 13; Actual = 12 - a little behind

Novel --> Goal = .5; Actual = 2 - HOLY RAVIOLI

Poem --> Goal = 13; Actual = 15 - it's not that hard

Short Story --> Goal = 13; Actual = 12 - a little behind

Film --> Goal = 2; Actual = 2 - this is a bit harder than i thought, but CHECK!

Blog --> no goal. . . weird. . . but i have this one and another one started. . . maybe they are essays. . .

Written Short Story --> Goal = 2; Actual = .5 - i working' on it

Play --> Goal .5; Actual = 0. . . but i got time

Show --> Goal = 1; Actual = 1 (i even stage managed it and had a freakin' blast)

Story Ideas --> no goal - but i got 7. . . so, i'm getting some great material for going forward.

sometimes it's really easy and sometimes it is really hard.  it's really hard when i'm tired and when i hate what i'm reading and when i can't seem to get the gumption to open a book or the computer. . . i get distracted and obsess about whatever it is that i want to do but can't for some reason instead of doing the thing i SHOULD be doing (or apparently WANT to be doing). . . i'm so much an enfp when it comes to that - distracted and can't finish anything.

it's really easy when i'm in the mood. . . but i don't know what triggers the mood. i am trying to figure it out. sometimes it's myself forcing me to actually do it because i always thank myself in the end (you know, like when you don't want to go out, but do anyway and are glad you did because you had so much fun? yeah, like that).  sometimes i can't stop thinking about the thing i need to write down so i write it down, but then can't convert (oh, the humanity. . . football references - my apologies. . .)

i want to talk to people about what i'm reading. but there are things to be done, and order to be followed, traditions to complete and needs to fulfill. work, outings, shows, cooking, cleaning, vegging, listening, loving. . . you know the rest of the life you live. so, i drink deeply when given the opportunity to talk about them. you are my captives, so i will indulge and share a few of my loves and hates of the last 14 days.

Kurt Vonnegut's  Novel MotherNight - beautiful and sad and . . . an honesty you feel yourself but never reveal. . . that's ok - he did it for you. i hear this is not typical of his writings. . . which i cannot know is good or bad or sad or just different. i will have to put another on the list to find out.

I know the Truth - a poem by MarinaTsvetaeva - you get it in so many different translations and luckily i stumbled upon one of the better ones. this line makes me fall in love with it each time. "The starry blizzard soon will freeze into the heaven" - i can see the blizzard of stars freezing into a beautiful heaven. if only i could find a picture of how this projects in the theater of my mind. i would let you in for just a moment to see it - it is more treasured than the locked and bullet proofed Mona Lisa. oh, to be a painter for this one.

on the lighter side, there is an essay by MauriceBaring (i actually have to figure out who that is) that is a letter from one of King Lear's (of the Shakespeare fame) daughters to her sister. It's an essay (though that seems weird to me), and very funny to me. . . however, i'm sure, given the King Lear play, the letter is likely not have been written with the satire i so see it.

another beautiful writing is an essay by CynthiaOzick called A Drugstore in Winter.  i don't know how to explain, but so . . . how i feel. . . it expresses me and make me love this woman as a kindred.

and, though, not keeping with Mr. Bradbury's edict of "the old ones" because i don't believe all the modern stuff is chum (as VirginiaWoolf begs us to remember in her 1925 essay about critics), my favorite short story (that i read for this)  is that of Neil Gaiman from Smoke and Mirrors called The Goldfish Pond and Other Stories. it is a sad recounting of how we can learn beautiful and wonderful things but forget them so easily because we are lulled into the banality of life. . . or maybe it is those glimmers we remember that allow him to weave the tale so we can bookmark it in our brains as something once shiny and new.  i say, favorite story that i read for this because my absolute favorite story he wrote (in short form - oh so many qualifications) is called The Price (from the same collection).  i didn't think it fair i re-read something i know i love for this stuffing of my head. but read this thing called The Price. . . especially if you are a cat person. 

it seems fitting that this is the author i feel i enjoyed most as he is a large reason i decided do this "challenge." like an omen, i first heard about Ray Bradbury shortly after i started following Mr. Gaiman on twitter. and then, slowly, over the next two years, i would randomly hear/see things about Mr. Bradbury. . . the last straw was when i chose to randomize my 3000 songs on my iPhone and Gaiman's The Man Who Forgot Ray Bradbury came on first. i decided to listen to Ray's talk then.  and now i'm loving learning and reading and consuming and feeling. . .so thanks neil.

there are so many to tell about and to type them all reviews here seems. . . too much and overwhelming, not only for me, but maybe for you too. i'll have to do something about that - maybe a page with what i've read and my rating. . . i don't know - anyway - i love doing this so far.

this is sort of a check in - i don't think for you as it is for me. . . thanks for listening

i know this i'm doing a lot to stuff my brain with reading and writing, but a while ago, on Facebook there was this "chain letter" of sorts about art (if you are Facebook, you would remember, but if you aren't, no worries. . . i don't think it matters) and i was given the artist Rene Magritte and i chose this beautiful painting, so i'll leave you with this. . .it's beautiful and i'd like to write a story about it.

New Year's Resolutions or making promises to myself I never kept before but will be different this time

So, I think I've come up with my five resolutions for the year.  I can't remember ever having made resolutions and making them, so this is probably an exercise in futility. . . but I seem to excel at futility.  BUT, I did walk a marathon this  year and it was something I said I was going to do and although I did have some serious help on that one (thank you my ciaracat), I think that helped me realize I could actually say I was going to do something and do it.

So here goes - (this is the fireworks from New Years if you want to see - I felt like it was a good send off to my resolutions - it starts at about 1minute in)

1.  Stay more connected to my mom, sister, niece and nephews, my in-laws - my family

My sister moved from Wisconsin to North Carolina in the last days of 2012.  I haven't been the best of sisters or aunts in terms of . . . well, in staying in touch (or really anything else).  It is the same for me being a less than stellar daughter (or daughter-in-law).  I have used excuse after excuse to not call or not have time or not send gifts or letters or emails - all really stupid excuses. . . there's the time zone, and I need to decompress after work and then by the time I'm decompressed, it's too late to call.  I don't like talking on the phone. I forgot. I don't have time. They're busy. Just not good reasons to not be in touch with your family.

so - all done - I love them very much.  They are so funny and I always feel so awesome after talking to them.  In fact, I think I'll interrupt this particular post to go and talk with them.  You won't know how long, but I will and I know it'll be awesome. (it was - I sang Happy Birthday to my nephew, Sam!)

Sam and Gavin getting the birthday whip cream treatment!

2.  Write every day

 even just a little - even if I don't post it - even if it doesn't make sense - even if it isn't for writing class - even when I don't want to - even letters and emails to my family (see how I do that - tie things together like that!!) - even if it's bad. . . plus, I think this will help me with writing in general.  I AM an icicle (that will make sense some day, I promise).

Jen hit it on the head with this journal gift

3.  Post to my blog at least twice weekly

I like to do it and I think some of you like it. I write them in my head all the time.  This is just one of those "choose to do it" times - I know what I want to say, I just need to sit my ass down and write it!

these are you lovely people loving me back!

4.  Give myself a budget and stay on the budget

This one is harder.  I am (apparently) a person not motivated by money.  I get it, then I spend it. I don't have credit cards and I don't spend more than I have.  I just never have anything left over after two weeks of paying bills and being completely selfish.  So, I put a budget on paper - I'll keep you posted (I mean, I have to write to you at least twice a week - it says so right above this).

this is bunny - she's my budget bank kitty

5.  Lose 10lb

I lost 20lbs last year and gained 5lbs back and if I go for 10lbs for the whole year, that's good, right?  I want to do this so I feel better about myself.  But as I look at the goal - is that the goal? Do I need to lose 10lbs?  Yes, yes, I do.  I probably need to lose 20lb more (no more than that), but it is such a weird goal.  I want to be healthy and feel good which I think means I have to lose weight.  But maybe - maybe I think I made it the goal because I can measure it.


A word on Measurement
Speaking of measurement - I love to measure things.  I like to crunch numbers and see trends, dig in and figure out how to improve things or see if we've met goals.  I normally leave this at work, but I think for me to feel like I can actually achieve these goals, I probably should measure myself (there are lots of studies that show this helps - measuring to get to a goal - I'd link to one, but I think if you google it, they'll come up).

So - are my goals measurable?  Why yes . . . yes they are!!

Goal 1 - My skype journal and email and text count will show me how well I'm doing.  I have to go back and measure from the previous year (cuz I can), and then I'll put it in a spreadsheet, set myself a reminder for weekly or monthly to update it, count and see how I'm doing.  I'll have to give updates through out the year. . . anyway - exciting!!!

Goal 2 - I will have to take a count of my journal entries and my computer entries and my blog entries. . . and then blah blah blah with spreadsheets and have data joy.

Goal 3 - the good thing about this goal, is that I only have to go one place for it - and you guys can tell me too - but I can put in how many times a week I did write. . . and then blah blah blah data bliss.

Goal 4 - Well, that's already in a spreadsheet. . . and I'll be able to tell you whether or not I kept to it.  Mikal does not believe I can do this, which means I MUST do it to spite him (he's very good at reverse psychology).  This is already data bliss for me.

Goal 5 - I know how much I weigh now, I weigh myself each day so . . .this one is also easy to measure.

I'd love to hear about your resolutions. . . I love you, love me, kaypea