A big YEAR

I was thinking about my last 12 months and trying to figure out what I had been doing because I felt lazy (again).  I often pontificate about my penchant for procrastination (see this post) which I think must be annoying to you that follow my goings on, but I do often feel this way.  But after I took a look at what I had done over the year, I found that I was anything but lazy.

I started off the year vowing to retire from theater. . . and then started rehearsals for Cabaret.  To be fair, this is a show I wanted to do - NEEDED to do.  It was a gig working with Terri Weagant.  Who doesn't want to do that?  NO ONE - I love her and I loved her vision of a story I had never heard (do not judge me for never having seen it before).  In addition, it was a gig working with Jesse McNeece who had done the music for Rocky Horror (another show I had never seen) (oh and he's in this band).  Jesse's Rocky Horror will always be MY Rocky Horror and no other.  I can't even listen to that other stuff.  It is now the same with Cabaret.  It was an amazing time with amazing people.  One of the highlights of this particular show as seeing Gary Zinter perform.  I had been by his side as his right hand woman for many show before, but had not seen him perform like this - not ever.  And it was EPIC.  EPIC people.  Then. . . then there was the fantastical Monica Wulzen. . . shit - if you heard her Sally Bowles you would never want to listen to Liza Minelli again - WAIT WAIT - I CAN SHOW YOU!!

And if being with four of my favorite artists (and people) wasn't enough, I met some amazing artists through the process and got to work with some people I have loved for years.  If I could find links for them, I put them

Josh Hartvigson
Rebecca Davis
Todd Hull
Daniel Wood
Kayla Walker
Tadd Morgan
Brett Brennan
Peter Farrar
Mckenna Turner
Kacey Shiflet
Marquetta Miller
Julia Griffin
Joan Jankowski
Cole Stevens
Kate Moore - she makes my hair beautiful!
Sara Porkalob
Cassidy Katims
Christine Denker
Anita Goodmann
Jeffery Henry
ArtStar Charlatan
Rodney Shrader
Emma Hassett
Julia Evanovich - a most fantastical artist with vision I wish I had
Jordan Christianson - most fracking talented wonderful awesome man who made me a princess superhero

During that experience, I also decided, after having seen myself in some pictures, lost 20lbs.  I worked hard at it and used something called the HCG diet.  It's not for everyone, but it worked for me.  And I've kept the weight off (except these last 5lbs during the holiday season) off for the whole year.  I have info on this diet if you are interested.

While I was working on Cabaret, Jesse suggested this thing called Kickstarter (something Monica had tried to get me to look into for a year before - sorry Monica!!).  And I fell in love.  We raised more than $2000 for Cabaret through crowd-funding.  I have, to this date, helped fund more than 17 projects for different artists.  I LOVE IT!  Many of my friends have been recipients of some of the kickstarter items.  I think Rick Simon has a wallet, Ciara a small art box, Alan is getting something later in the year and my husband has some art we'll be hanging on the wall.  It's amazing.
This is how I met Amanda Palmer (well, met her metaphorically anyway).  Meeting AFP was the most flood gate opening avalanche of inspiration I ever experienced. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you that Amanda Fucking Palmer is pretty much the only music that I've listened to since June.  It's a bit embarrassing.  But in addition to loving her music, she is really the reason I've done all the OTHER stuff in my life in the past 6 months.  She inspired me.  Everyone (all you wonderful friends) have told me the whole time that I'm talented and worth it and I should go after what I want, but until I heard Amanda Palmer, I didn't believe it.
The thing is, she does this for almost every person that she meets, every person that listens to her music, every person that she's touched in some way or another.  If you read her blog, you will be amazed at her life, her strength, her friends, her fans, her music, and the karmic bank account she holds.  She is living the life I wanted as a younger me but was just too afraid to live.  Maybe I put her too much up on the pedestal, but honestly, I needed something to kick me in the pants.  And maybe it wasn't just Amanda Palmer that was the catalyst for the life I feel like I live and love now.

I guess I was searching. . . after Cabaret, I retired from theater.  No one believes that I actually retired, but other than doing a fantastic and awesome show for my friend Mitzy Sixx for her birthday (at ReBar), I ACTUALLY retired.  I have not done any shows since.  I haven't been asked either, but I also haven't gone looking for them.  I wanted to follow my own creative path.

So, how does this lead to AFP unleashing the creative explosion in me?  Well, I didn't know where to focus my energy or time.  I sewed and knitted.  I made myself a dress, some reusable shopping bags, more fingerless gloves (and despite what my husband says, I only have three pairs now).  I thought about making everyone's christmas gift (this did not happen).  But I got bored and did not have the patience.

My next move was volunteering for Noise for the Needy.  It's a great group that chooses a different deserving organization and who doesn't want to go to see local bands play?  I met a great group of people and went to several venues I had never been to before.  It was quite fun to be on the volunteering end where I just showed up, did as they asked and then went home.  I didn't have to organize anyone! I would love to do it again.

I also met a whole new group of people and at least one Wednesday a month is totally worth it. It is the Bus Stop Dub Club; a club where people who like music get together and tell each other about music they like.  Jesse invited me and I was a bit nervous because the people in it are DJs and people that work at music venues and musicians and stuff. . . and then there's me, a person who just likes music.  But I should not have been afraid. They are lovely, inviting, and sometimes they even like my music.  The best part about that night is that they play your playlist in the bar (it makes me feel famous)!

There is one thing that I haven't really talked about that I've done in the last 4 months.  Mostly because you might show up if I told you about it.  It is way easier to do it when you are anonymous in a room full of strangers.  I've been doing a couple of these events called "storytelling".  They give you a theme, the story must be true, it must have happened to you and you are not allowed to use notes.  And then people come and listen to you tell stories. It's amazing.  And I've performed.  More than once.  And no one has booed (they aren't the booing type). So. . . I may keep doing that.  And keep not telling you.

So, I was volunteering and doing other cool things, but still searching for something.  And that's when Ciara emailed me and asked me if I wanted to walk a marathon.  TOTAL INSANITY.  So, I said yes, walked a 5K, two 10Ks, a 1/2 marathon and the marathon (I talked about here).  The point is that I was "looking for something".  Each of the walk training sessions was with AFP and her music and lyrics just spoke to me. And I let loose!  The rest of the year was a crazy flurry of things to do and see and create.

Amanda Palmer was in the news everywhere for her Kickstarter Campaign being so successful.  That lead to articles on crowd-funding in general.  I had been successful myself with the Cabaret campaign and decided I was going to put the theory that it could work to the test.  I crowd-funded a sponsorship for a table at the University District Food Bank Auction this year.  It's an auction I love (it's awesome and involves amazing people - I'm talking about you Megan Knight) and go to every year. Through the love, kindness, and caring of people I know and people I don't know, it was successful.  I talked about it earlier this year here and here.

That was an amazing fantastical time and it made me believe in myself and the humanity of others and now I didn't want to stop! And it was political season.  Historically, I tell people, if you don't vote, you don't get to complain.  So, this particular year was important to me for the presidential campaign - I didn't care WHO you voted for (well, I did. .. but I'm not going to hate you because of who you believe in), as long as you voted.  I had never been "involved" in the political campaigns but this year, I went and donated to several political campaigns.  If you don't think you can affect your government, you are wrong, local government and local government officials can be the change you want.  In this new endeavor (thank you Megan Knight) I met Noel Frame, who is an amazing amazing, amazing woman.  And although she didn't win I know she will do great things in the future.  I hope to see her out there again and I will donate again.  Please read about the awesome things this woman does.

Meeting people like Noel and listening to her made me want to do even more.  So, I volunteered to phone bank for Washington United for Marriage.  It was an amazing expereience where I called people in Washington State and talked to them about ensuring that all Americans have the equal rights and one of those rights is marriage.  I even managed to convince someone that they would think about voting to make it legal for everyone (at the beginning he was telling me how he would NEVER vote for it, so talking him into a place where he'd even think about it seemed like a victory).  And guess what, my state, has decided that every person has the right to marry any person they love.  I made a difference.

Speaking of marriage - I also celebrated my 1 year anniversary married to Mikal and got to go on my Honeymoon to Turkey!  Turkey is beautiful and my time there was amazing.  There is so much to tell about Turkey, I couldn't possibly do it here, but here are some pictures and a funny posting about their TV (so interesting).

Turkey Day 2

I was in Turkey when my Amanda Palmer album dropped.  I spent about an hour trying to download it on my ipad (it was the only musical device I had with me since Mikal wouldn't let me bring the iphone).  This hour seriously delayed my ass sitting on the beach time for the day.  But it was COMPLETELY worth the wait.  Check it out here, if you want - it's pay what you want - I would pay at the high level EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  And that's just ONE of the things that is cool about her - she knows we all can't afford that.

I was happy. . . there are pictures.

When I got back, two very significant things happened.  1) I applied AND GOT IN to "writing school".  and 2) I saw Amanda Palmer in concert (and word a fucking fantastical outfit made by the lovely and ridiculously talented Jordan Christanson).  These are two things that cannot be explained in 1 paragraph each.  They both deserve their own postings and gods willing I stick to my new year's resolutions, you will see in the future.

And while that was all happening, I saw some shows - great shows, fun shows, shows with my peeps, shows with my step-daughter, shows with my husband, shows I talk about, shows that I don't talk about, shows.  Here are some of my favorite shows I saw this past year.

• Mama Mia
• Bloc Party
• First Date
• Elf
• Legally Blonde
• {title of show}
• Wicked

I am ending this year with excitement for next year.  If the last 12 months of my life doesn't say some cool shit, then I should just stop trying. . . but 1) COOL SHIT and 2) it's not in my nature.

Can wait to tell you more tales in 2013.

How many miles? Holy ravioli!

Today is the day before I walk a marathon. . . and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  I think if my mom were here, she'd be commiserating with my husband as if I were dressing for a huge event, like Prom.  I'm really crazy when it comes to these types of events and although I'm normally pretty normal, on big event days (like, let's say, company holiday parties, prom, and marathons. .  ), I'm way crazy - like 4 cups of coffee crazy.  And today isn't even the day. . . So I'm going to write to you all with the hope I become less crazy.  And you might want to settle in because this is a long one.

How long is that, you ask?  Um. . . 26.2 miles.

I was trying to remember when I said I'd do the marathon.  I knew it had been captured via email, or I'm sure I would have gotten out of so much exercise.  I went looking for the email, and started laughing out loud from the exchange.  I'm going to re-print the excerpt here because it's cute and gives you a glimpse into how fantastic and supportive Ciara is.  This exchange happened while Ciaracat was away in Europe during July and I was missing her.  We'd been emailing back and forth for about a week on this chain and I was espousing my laziness (and she hers) . . . and then she asked me this. . .(oh, btw - ciaracat is funny and for context - Suz is ciaracat's best friend since childhood - she's also an all around most fantastic woman)

 ---------------------

From ciaracat to me:

You don't want to sign up for the marathon in November do you?? Suz is going to come up and do it. And I'm really nervous. But excited about having a new goal an something to train for.

I love you. And hope

You're not too

Lazy to see me. 

From me to ciaracat:

Ok. . . so. . .committing to a marathon

we're walking, right?

I'll say yes IF we are just walking - but I'm gonna need to seriously get off my ASS!!!!

and I won't be too lazy to see you. . . I promise. 

 (btw - the sun agrees with you)

From ciaracat to me: 

Um YAH we’re walking. Have you EVER known me to even run after a bus???

Crack bird mama!!

That would be amazing.

For the record I have not started my training yet so...!!

From me to ciaracat:

I was just checking. . . I mean. .. dude. . . a marathon is just so (well, what's the word?) . . . so . . .daunting.

but yes, I will do it!  send me links (again) so I can officially be accountable for doing it.

From ciaracat to me:

Honey. It Is huge. And I will NOT think anything if you think it's too much right now. Seriously. I'm shitting my pants for roping Suzanne in to it!! For me there's no Going back!! So!! Don't worry about feeling not ready yet!!

If you want to look up more the info is just at Seattle marathon 2012. Don't have the link handy at the mo. 

Love u!

From me to ciaracat:

No worries, will do some official googling. . .

and it isn't too much in fact, it might be just enough right now.  I need to figure out something to work for!!

----------------------

And actually, when I check the dates on these emails, I see that she asked me that EXACTLY four months ago today - HOLY CRAP - only 4 months ago???  How is that possible?  I can't believe I actually trained to be ready for this thing in only FOUR MONTHS????  

How long is that, you ask?  Um. . . 26.2 miles and at the end of this journey I'll have gone more than 100 miles.

I have to say, it's been a most amazing journey. 

I was born with a club foot (it sounds worse than it is) and was actually a Forrest Gump kid, complete with a brace contraption that had a leather belt around the waist, two metal pole like things down each side of my legs and a metal plate between the two shoes.  I think there is only one picture I have with it and I can't say I remember spending a lot of time in it.  At age 5, I had surgery to fix my foot permanently.  I had a wonderful doctor (in 1979!) and he did such a good job you would never know today that I had this "disability."  In fact, I used to run pretty regularly as a kid.  I was on the track team and ran hurdles and relays.  Don't get me wrong, I had my fair share of troubles.  I sprained my foot many times and had several stress fractures (it's my right foot and as such I used it as my lead leg as a hurdler. . . that's a lot of stress).  I did stop running sometime in high school after a particularly bad injury that required a visit to a doctor who said, "you're running?  you shouldn't be walking let alone running."  Of course, I'm paraphrasing what I remember about that day and it probably wasn't that bad. . . but that is how it felt.  The thing I DO remember most about that day at the doctor's was afterwards, my mom and I left the office quietly and on the way to the car she says, "well that calls for a snickers bar"- mom is awesome and knew chocolate would cure all at age 16.  I stopped running after that but don't worry, I have not been a total lazy hack. 

With all of that history, I knew, as did Ciara, I needed a good pair of walking shoes.  We went to Road Runner Sports in Green Lake to get tested.  They take a picture of your gate and also a pressure test of your feet (see, my right foot looks like I don't put any pressure on the ball of that foot).  20 minutes later, I was out the door ready to take on our walking goals.  

Ciara and I started out just walking a couple of miles at a time which didn't seem so bad and we'd done that so much anyway going down to baseball games and concerts in Sodo.  We went around Green Lake a couple of times, but, we decided after the second time, if we had to do any length of time we'd get bored going around in circles and planned city trips from then on.  It was through that kind of thinking that I learned so much about my awesome city!

we were ready to do this thing!

so many people!

It wasn't long after I said I would do the marathon, I did my first 10K (which is officially 6.21 miles in case you need the conversion - I usually do).  I hadn't walked any more than 3.5 or maybe 4 miles at this point and so I was really nervous.  This first race was the Lake Union 10K and I walked it with Trish West - a most amazing woman who had never done this before either!  I have to say, 6 miles seemed SO MUCH LONGER than I had ever walked before.  But it was cool to walk down the middle of highway 99.  There were so many people and I was afraid of being last even though that was silly.  I've included a picture of the 5km mark.  I remember going - OK - half way to go!!!!  Dang, that last half was rough!  But we made it (and we weren't last!).

half way. . . half way to go!

I did it!

After that, it was clear more training was needed (duh!).  We did my first 7 mile walk from Capitol Hill to the U-District on the Burke Gilman trail where we ended with beer, chips and salsa.  This became a theme - beer and food as our reward, cuz, let's be honest, why else do something so crazy without rewarding yourself!  I had never really walked around on the Burke Gilman before and it was beautiful.  They have this sculpture where you can pretend you are a picture and, of course, there are the boats and views of any bridge over the lakes.

Ciara and I did our first 10K together about two weeks after my first and then one week after, we walked 7 miles.  This time the actual length wasn't so bad!  I was nervous though, because I remembered how long that last half of that 10K seemed.  The cool thing about this 10k (it was Seattle Marathon's 10k), was that we went under the highway 99 bridge in downtown Seattle!  So cool.  I cried pretty hard after this one for a couple of reasons.  First, it was really cool to cross the finish line with Ciara (she's inspired me so much and I was so grateful to have her with me), secondly, they had military folks down there giving us ribbons as we crossed the line (how can you not be grateful at that?) and lastly, and really most importantly to me, Mikal came down and cheered us on and drove us home!

Then I went to Turkey and stopped "training" in the traditional sense. . . well, let's be honest, I only trained in so much as I walked every day, but not hard, not fast, and I stopped a lot - to eat, to admire ridiculously awesome sites and to lie on the beach. . . so - for two weeks, I was on intermission. . .

Upon my return, I had signed up for the Lifelong AIDS Alliance walk on Capitol Hill - it was only a 5K and I roped my step-daughter into it.  She was nervous at first, but we ended up having a great time, walking 3.1 miles and giving to a great cause.  Lauren swears next year we'll be the Tummy Wombat Family and get a bunch of people to be a team, dress up all crazy like and have another great time. Who doesn't like walking down the middle of the street, going through red lights, and making traffic wait for you?  

It was now time for the big leagues.  Ciara and I needed to train a little bit harder and a little bit longer.  We signed up for a half marathon in Vancouver, WA called the Girlfriend's Half Marathon and it was only three weeks away.  We started by scheduling every Saturday a walk of some large amount of miles.  We walked to Shilshole marina which was my first 10 mile walk.  The best part was meeting one our friends at Zayda Buddy's in Ballard.  Beer, tator tot casserole and pizza were the rewards.  So amazing. . .

Two weeks later, we were in the half marathon.  To think I hadn't walked 13 miles before and that I would do it that day was a bit daunting.  We didn't talk much (I think it was mostly me. . . ) when we first got there.  There were more women than I had seen in one place, EVER.  Before the race we waited in line with about 1000 (and I am NOT exaggerating) women to go to the bathroom and met a couple of older women we saw later on the course.  They were really sweet and took our picture before we started.  I found it exciting, later that day, to wave and say good luck as we were passing them on the way back.

We also met Betty.  She was our godsend, I think.  She must have been at least 65 (though, who knows these days) and as Ciara and I were cheering ourselves on to get to the Miller Lite at BW3, Betty struck up a conversation with us about what to eat before and after the walks.  She's been on (wait for it) SIX (yes, that is the number 6) marathons!  We walked with her for the next bit in the marathon before we were passed by her (we did stop, to be fair) and then we passed her later on!  She and her friend told us how to train for the marathon.  We learned we shouldn't be walking as fast as we want to during the actual marathon - it's about putting in the miles and getting your body ready for the actual length of time you'll be out there.  We felt so much better after meeting Betty.  I'm not going to lie, the last three miles were excruciating!!  Betty also taught us to change it up a little while we were walking, so now, when  you see me and Suzanne and Ciara walking, we sometimes do this weird dancing thing or we do high knee lifts when it gets tough.  Go ahead, laugh, it works. . . and I'll keep looking like a moron if it keeps me from wanting to die on the course. 

We were never alone on the course because there were so many other women and (as you can see in some of the pictures) everyone was was excited to be in the race and were really supportive of each other.  We would cheer for the runners coming back the other way and for each other when it looked like we were having a rough time.  Complete strangers would clap for us and cheer us on.  I probably cried on the course about 5 times.  It was completely amazing. 

The last 3 miles of the course were pretty rough.  I thought I was getting a blister and, as I mentioned earlier, I never walked 13 miles before, so the end was really really hard.  But we made it and I was so excited I picked Ciara up and twirled her around.  I only asked later if I hurt her (luckily I hadn't!)!  And as we crossed the finish line, there was a receiving line of officers and volunteers handing out water bottles (with water in them, thankfully!!) and medals!  My first official MEDAL!!!  We could not wait to reward ourselves with some beer and chicken wings.  

Unfortunately it was a Sunday which meant lots of people and football. . . service was less than desirable for two really hangry (yes, hangry) peeps that just walked 13 miles and spent more than 1350 calories!  BUT, when the food came, it was SOOOO good.  I don't think Ciara and I talked to each other until after we inhaled food.  The worst part of the trip was actually the ride/drive home.  I am grateful Ciara was driving because it was a THREE HOUR drive and it poured the ENTIRE way home.  Talk about a sucky end to an awesome day.  We did make it home safely and both fell into bed exhausted but so happy about our accomplishment!

The next weekend was 16 miles.  Honestly, Ciara and I were freaking out because 16 miles is SOOOO long and we remembered how hard the last 3 miles were the week before.  But the funny thing about "training" is that. . . well. . . it works. The other thing that we noticed was that it didn't seem so long this time.  For this training session, we walked to and from Alki Beach.  We saw some cool stuff on the way to Alki - there was the skate park under the expressway and the shipping canal. It's amazing that this city has all these crazy walkways to connect different parts of the city.  We crossed to West Seattle and on the Alki side, we saw the beautiful trees and of course, Seattle!

When we got across to West Seattle we kept commenting on how NOT hard it was.  After much discussion, we have a theory (and it's possibly total bunk, but it's our theory and we're sticking to it). When we were in Vancouver, WA, a city neither of us know, it was hard to gauge how far we were and how far we had left.  Here in Seattle, we know the city, and we knew how much longer we had to go and how far we'd been.  It really made it easier. But again, those last three miles really sucked, especially since we decided to come back up through the Pike/Pine corridor and there were people and stop lights.  This dramatically impedes your progress when you are trying to get home.  Our worst mistake for this 16 miles was not choosing a place to drink beer and eat food for afterwards.  The mac and cheese I made for myself just wasn't as satisfying as I wanted it to be.

The following week was only an 8 mile walk.  I believe we were scheduled to go on Saturday, but after much imbibing by both Ciara and myself (independently from each other - we're not always bad influences on one another), we postponed until Sunday. . .we both needed some . . . rest.  But the next day - IT WAS ON!  And man, it seemed like NOTHING compared to what we had done the two weeks prior.  That week, I saw the sculpture park which I had never seen before.  It was beautiful to walk down on the water and across the Amgen bridge and up a Queen Anne trail (though there was much cursing Ciara for this particular path - but we needed to do some hills because the actual marathon has a bunch of them).  I found that after the hill, much to my dismay, I was energized and refreshed.  We were supposed to go up the big Denny Hill on the way home, but I totally bagged out and went to GameWorks to meet my family and have fries and beer.  Ciara is a better woman than I.

Then there was the 20 miles.  The coolest part about this 20 mile walk was that we were doing it with Suzanne - thanks to technology!  We had a three way text going on and were cheering each other on!  It was a bit grey here in Seattle (and 70 degrees for Suzanne in San Fran) and we were expecting some rain.  We had only had a little taste of bad weather during the 16 mile week on the way back from Alki - it freaking hailed on us.  I think there is a picture of it. . . hailed. . . seriously? right?  So, we were hoping we'd get some rain on our 20 mile walk so we would know what it could be like on a really bad day during the marathon.  

not discouraged by the amount of miles!

The walk itself was beautiful.  One of the things Ciara and are continually amazed by is the awesome neighborhoods here in Seattle.  There are awesome parks and houses and you would never know they were even there!  Most of the pictures from this walk day are from Ciara (she's definitely on the ball when it comes to recording our walks and could probably be the source for any walking magazine if they needed pics!).  

we laugh at the rain!

For some reason, neither Ciara nor I were very pleased around the 10 mile mark.  My ankle hurt and I had wrapped it so. . . this was a little discouraging.  Then we got "lost" in Seward Park (aka we took a forest trail rather than going around it on the paved trail).  We discovered having crap kicked up on the backs of your legs sucks more than getting wet - sucks WAY more. . . But we got through it and mostly didn't have any rain until we got to Beacon Hill and then it started to rain a little bit.  Our theory about "knowing where we are going makes the miles seem not so bad" actually held up until we saw that we had 2 miles left and Capital Hill looked . . . so . . . far. . . away. 

Our plan was to have Mikal drive us to The Hurricane where we would eat and drink.  Ciara and I were so tired we barely spoke  (it's tougher when no one is cheering you on) while we shoved food and beer down our throats.  I am not sure either of us tasted it.  We looked pretty funny too. . . talk about two old women trying to get in and out of the car - it was pretty funny.  The 20 miles was too much for my ankle though, but thanks to a great doctor and two cortisone shots later, it is as good as new.

who knew there was the path all the way back to downtown

Seward park is beautiful

we didn't have a membership, so we kept walking

ridiculous, no?

I had never been this far to I-90 except when I drove on it

so pretty!

the rocks hate Ciara

caught in the act!  there is no sitting on this trip!

we could see the city - it just seemed so far away!

ahh

The two weeks after the 20 mile walk felt like 10 minute jaunts.  And we even did four hills!

So - it's less than 12 hours away now and I cannot think of anything else.  Yesterday, Suzanne, Ciara and I went to pick up our packets. . . I have an official number 19063 and a shirt.  I'm very nervous but we have amazing support in our best friends and partners (thank you Tori and Mikal!).

I am about to walk an entire marathon. . . 

How long is that, you ask?  Um. . . 26.2 miles.

yeah -  holy ravioli - see you at the finish line - I'll be the one hugging her two friends and crying.