On being personal - or how, if you wait, stuff happens like it's supposed to

There are some important people in my life that do not read my blog.  When I asked them why, they told me (and they all told me separately and not related to any conversation with each other) it's "too raw" and "too exposed; my husband told me it was "too personal." These are people that I'm actually really raw and exposed to every single day.  And what I write here is less than I expose to them. . . So, I've kind of had a crisis in what I'm doing writing here. Plus something like "fate" happened again - I called it kismet before, but fate works too (I want to tell you about that too - next, next).

I wondered if I should even write again here.

And then, one day, recently, several things happened - it's a sequence, so bear with me. . .

1. I was putting together some links I had promised someone and needed my blog link. I was sending the link to someone I've really only met once, but instantly liked; a kindred, if you will. I copied the link and pasted it into my email.  The blog was up when I went back to the internet for something and I started reading it. 
2. I felt like I was reading someone else's blog.  I didn't really know that person . . . and I liked her writing and I felt for her story. . . and truly, I did not at first realize it was mean (it took me 3 sentences).
3. I immediately prefaced the link by saying, "this makes people uncomfortable" so basically, read at your own risk. And hit send.
4. I was glad I liked my writing. And I remembered everything I put in that last blog. . .and I could not believe I had done that. COULD NOT BELIEVE it. . . because, dude, that is some really heavy stuff. I began freaking out . . . (I know, this is a little late given that post is from a month ago).
5. I had lunch with a dear friend where I was explaining this because I was FREAKING out. What the heck had I done.  Was it the right thing? She wisely did not answer my questions (she will laugh here for me saying she is wise - but I know she is - so believe me).
6. I got back from lunch and received an email from the kindred I had sent the links to. I will not say what the email contained, but . . . I had done the right thing.  I had - and the emails, and the comments, and the hugs - they showed me what I didn't see - not until I was ready.
7. I realized that I had actually done what I set out to do with that blog posting - put it out there and and not in here, not in me. Release it - forget it - take it's power away.
8. I stopped wondering if I should write here.

So - I will write here. I will share still.

BUT - I do feel like I owe a bit of an explanation about why I haven't posted in more than 30 days (I usually do better than that).  Short explanation - I figured it out.

What is it? - it's what I'm supposed to be writing.  About three weeks ago, I finally realized that I wasn't writing random things; I had a character that I loved (and characters around her I love); I had chapters of her life that I had written.  Maybe they didn't make sense or have an order yet, but I knew she was who I was supposed to write about . . . or . . . for . . . or . . . as. . . Her name just appeared to me. And there she was.

So, I've been writing her story instead of writing mine.  I think it just means I need to spend more time writing because I know I could write her story and mine and both will be what they need to be.

Anyway - know I have found a character and I am hopeful, at some point in the near future, she will become real to not just me.  I am hopeful she will become real to you.  But in the mean time, I'll keep my story going.  I am grateful that you read. I am happy I help make sense out of your own lives and I am finally understanding that by putting it out to you, regardless of your response (or my delayed terror), is helping me make sense of my life.

it's like i'm a baby. . .