Falling down while looking for direction

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about the struggle that young women have today. I've been obsessively thinking about it and talking with my friends . It was really interesting how, without much work, effort, or thinking, how many things related to this subject came up in just the first 5 days after getting all worked up.  Kickstarter campaigns (another obsessive activity), news articles, twitter and facebook posts, television shows I watch, books in my house, and people at work.

I thought - THIS is my new direction!!!  THIS is the purpose I'm looking for. Epiphany HAD OCCURRED and now everything would be ALL BETTER.  I know I can help show there are wonderful role models for young women in the world.  I just hadn't quite worked out the HOW that was going to happen.

this is how I felt - and Willie hung in there with me

Then - depression hit - a melancholia of the deepest order landed on my lap - manic periods ensued - days of eating the WORST  foods stretched not only my will, but my stomach. All this culminated in three days of no sleep.  I could barely work on that Friday morning. The words coming out of my mouth only really made sense as individual words, not entire coherent sentences.  I determined I needed to go to sleep (duh, I know).

Then the thing the following three days became my saving grace.  Again (not that it is surprising that I talk too much but) - please hang in there with me, this will all make sense in the end (I hope).

Day 1 (a Saturday) - I spent the entire day with my husband.  We went to see Prometheus (this will need to be another post because there is much to say there) and then went shopping for duct tape (really, Gorilla tape, but to help those that understand duct tape onboard. ..it's duct tape) and pillow filler. I believe you are now confused - so let me explain.

I like to sew.  I have been making clothing for a long time in my life and it helps fulfill a weird artistic thing in my soul.  Some folks like to sew quilts, some do costumes, and some do bags. Mostly, I like to sew dresses and skirts (it's a bit selfish, but whatever, I feel like the end product is more likely to be used than if I did any of the others, PLUS, I'm the only one I have to please, so I'm heading off rejection just in case). I can get most stuff done well enough, but sometimes  there comes a point where it becomes, well,  exhausting - it goes something like this.

1. get up off the floor (my sewing table in my only table and it's a coffee table which naturally leads to me sitting on the  floor in front of the machine).
2. get naked
3. put on item
4. go to the mirror
5. attempt to pin or draw on you waist, boob, or back/butt (the last is the hardest, I'm sure you can imagine)
6. take off said item without poking yourself (not easy, just not easy)
7. reclothe
8. get back on floor
9. sew
10. repeat 

The process often takes more time than I have patience for. To be successful at sewing for myself, it is a GREAT help to have a body form - and so, I lack a body form.

It's really Gorilla Tape

How does this relate to duct tape and pillow stuffing?  Well, after doing much googling, reading, and watching of youtube videos, I  learned I could make my own body form with duct tape.  You see, I wanted instant gratification rather than having to go out and purchase one at a store or online. Plus, it's supposed to be less expensive.

So - after Prometheus, I had Mikal duct tape me into a body form.  Note this is an EMBARRASSING picture, but I know you wanted to see it.

It was less than successful - I think Mikal would have called it a success if he could have left me in it. . . However, it turns out, we didn't do it tightly enough and my boobs looked as big as the rest of me.  I'll add here, that I had a self esteem dip due to this misrepresentation of my body.  Mikal and I both agreed that I did NOT look like the duct tape clone which made the dip, not so bad.

The important part of Day 1 was that we did a project together.  We talked, watched a movie and had kind of a fun time duct taping and being duct taped.  It was a fun spending time together.  Recharge #1 - time spent with my husband.

a body form will
help me finish it!

Day 2 - DESPITE the failed body form attempt, I spent the day sewing a dress - it's still not done, but it's pretty close!  The important part of this day is that I accomplished something I had forgotten I liked so much.  recharge #2.

Day 3 - I had a pretty hard conversation  with my boss about my unhappiness.  He and I agreed that this had not that much to do with work and more to do with life. - this feeling isn't going to last forever, it will pass, I just have to figure out how to get there.  Without my knowing it, I had started this journey to get back to fully recharged (see Day 1 and Day 2)

So, that night I went to see Ciara, my best friend and another touch stone I need to be normal (she was also in the post of women I  admire). She was leaving in a few days to Spain for a month.  I had not seen her in about a month and I absolutely could NOT miss a chance to see her before she went on her trip!  I had stayed away for so long because I had mistakenly thought that she needed some space.  When in reality, she'd been finding things to do because I was busy.  My time with Ciara was completely needed to fill my tank up to full.

After leaving Ciara's, I came home and slept soundly for the first time in more than a week.

What these three days taught me is that I have neglected myself and helped myself into my crazy spiral of depression by NOT CONNECTING with the three people I need in order to stay grounded: my husband, myself, and my best friend.  I hadn't been able to think straight because I didn't do what I knew to be true (and had been reminded of with that Meyer's Briggs test) - I need people to be me - Recharge #3

So, having gone through this epiphany, depression and then understanding, I understand that I need to go through a process to figure out what I want and can do about promoting women role models.  Maybe even that phrase "promoting women role models" isn't exactly the end result I'll find.  But I know I want to do something with all of this information about awesome women I know or don't know about.  I want it to be a journey to find the end product.  I don't know what the end product will be, but it will be a journey.

I'm now ok with the fact that I don't know, but I do know that it will be a process and sometimes, being IN the process is the right thing.

So - what does my epiphany and journey mean for all of you? Here is what I can tell you.

• I'm going to write about that journey here. Every post may not seem related, but they are all related to how I go through the journey I call my life and will shape anything that becomes an end product.
• There will be a page on this blog that has links or notes on all of my "research" about this journey
• I'll be reaching out to EVERYONE I know and maybe those that I don't know to get  more information and more research
• But MOSTLY, if you so choose, it means you will be able to:
• Come along on my journey
• Call me out when I need your help to remind me that all is not lost
• Celebrate with me when I have triumphs 
• Teach me about what I need to know to stay on the journey

So - things to look forward to (at least for me, and maybe for you!)

• A body form!!!  I'm buying one - any suggestions of type would be appreciated, but here's the one I'm currently researching.
• discussion about some of my favorite people's women they admire (here are a few)
• Klondike Kate
• Geena Davis
• Rachel Maddow
• Dorothy Parker
• Madeleine Albright
• More about the women I talked about before and maybe some new ones (like Ultra - my comic hero)
• Kickstarter campaigns that promote women as role models
• Maybe interviews with those that want to support this sort of thing (Megan - I'm talking about you and that cool event you went to last night!)
• news articles we should be reading
• opinions about all of this stuff
• you helping me through this journey and being part of it