i am not a failure - so shut up you stupid little voice. . . SHUT UP

i haven't updated in a while.  and i was wondering how much of it was because i am embarrassed for my lack of progress OR how much of it is because i'm embarrassed for what i wish i was doing OR if i'm embarrassed because i don't feel happy about what i HAVE done (in terms of writing). . .

the fact is. . .i'm embarrassed and ashamed. embarrassed that i haven't updated, embarrassed that i haven't met my goals, ashamed that you should call me on it but if I write it down, then i'm open to you calling me on my shit. then ashamed that i don't want to be called on my shit. . . ugh, such a vicious circle.

these last two weeks were pretty rough.  you know when you say things - things you wish you hadn't said? and then all you do is dwell on those things and berate yourself.  it's total self-flagellation without even a good religious reason. . .and sometimes the things you said don't even warrant any second thought. . . so you beat yourself up because of that. . .ugh, such a vicious cycle.

so - last night i was looking at what i HAD done. . . and i have decided to cut myself some freakin' slack.

so here's an update -

today is Day 75 of the year and is the start of week 12. if i don't count anything i've written, i have consumed AT LEAST (aka - i have recorded it) SEVENTY-THREE (73) individual items of art.  i have read and/or listened essays, poems, short stories, novels and non-fiction. i have watched old movies and original plays and shows. these are things i recorded. that means, except for the last TWO days, i have consumed some form of art every day.

and i'm not even going to sell myself short there. i've also watched four oscar winning films, one ENTIRE season of a VERY cool BBC America tv show, several non-oscar nominated films that i never saw before, organized a baby shower, worked more than 40 hours per week, got my cat into the vet (and am learning how to give fluids. . .), and attended trivia, friend gatherings, a reading event, got the first part of my tattoo, bid and won an auction which led to a very wet, but still very awesome opening season game for the Sounders, signed up for another marathon, and started training, took apart a blanket i knitted (b/c, dude, it was lopsided) and restarted it and am one skein in, entertained a guest for oscar's weekend, i'm in the middle of another book and i listened to three new albums by two new to me groups and lastly, have helped to organize a very important (to me) get together about writing. . .

so - FUCK YOU stupid little voice telling me that i'm a failure. i'm not.

and if i look at what i have PRODUCED. . . it's week 12 - i've written 7 blog posts (including this one), 3 letters of more than 2500 words a piece to significant people in my life, 2 short stories, and 6 story ideas. i've also written 24 haikus (even if some of them are bad) and discussed a potential writing project with my friend and came up with a novel idea through a conversation with my mother. Not bad. . . more than one creative thing per week.

so - again - FUCK YOU STUPID LITTLE VOICE. i am not a failure.

caching my life force tokens

today was a reminder of how much i still have to grow as a person.  i believe days like today happen soley to knock me off my high horse. . . and was karmically capped off with Facebook telling me i am Darth Vader...

and actually, i'm not totally destroyed - which is sort of new.

but also, days like today also remind me how much i love what i do and how much i love the people around me and really, how much they love me back.


first - i have to say that i'm especially sensitive today to being irritated due to the healing of my most awesome tattoo - it itches so badly that i am concerned i might actually commit homicide if someone looks at me the wrong way - which would really be a waste of a homicide. . . if i'm gonna play that chip, i probably should make it count (for those of you that don't know me well, please note this is not actually a real concern). and part of this easily irritateable state is due to my (not public so don't ask me) endeavor to actually quit smoking. but didn't tell you that.

second - due to the most awesome best friend, i did not sleep a lot last night as i was out late belatedly celebrating my birthday at Aragona (i'm gonna have to write about that too).

third - i even PREDICTED yesterday that i would fail epically in a meeting today. and i did. epically.

fourth - i had to change my password - which, means i had to actually think - annoying

fifth - in and effort to give someone i work with a good surprise, i managed to lock him out of everything and make him a whole bunch of extra work without even notifying him that i was about to totally mess up his stuff - and then going to lunch and not noticing his calls - and he genuinely was happy to handle the chaos i created because i listened

sixth - i picked a fight with my boss without even meaning to

seventh - i sounded all "know-it-all" today - and wow, that girl is a bitch.

eighth - accidentally sending my back tattoo to the 11 year old daughter of one of my co-workers. . .she must have been terrified. . . and that could have gone all kinds of bad


BUT - so much happened too, that counteracted that shitty stuff.

exhibit a) Tiffany brought me chocolate because i was feeling so badly.

exhibit b) Julie came by after saving up the banana laffy taffys for me, which probably means she had to fend off very sugar crazed technologists

exhibit c) randomly going to lunch alone because i could not live without a burger and meeting Jason, Eric, Chris and Trish and having a wonderful time.

exhibit d) my boss coming to me and telling me how i might have approached today better and complimenting me on my ability to recognize my own failures

exhibit e) Scott asking me (after so many years) if he could glean any of my lessons about my current reading/writing goal (and he's a totally ridiculously scandalously talented and funny writer)

exhibit f) Melinda and i setting up lunch to talk before she finishes her book

exhibit g) getting tweets from Alexa about how i help inspire her (she has no idea how cool i think she is and to get those tweets is pretty fucking mind-blowing)

exhibit h) getting Darth Vader on Facebook (i mean seriously, i'm not so secretly fucking psyched that i'm vader - duh)

exhibit i) being passionate about my team and my work and still getting outraged at the inhumanity of it all when i could just be jaded

exhibit j) being ok about my failure today. i mean, at least i knew it would be a trigger and how i would be. and now, i can figure out how to not do that next time.

exhibit k) my actual ability to breath and not be pissed off that mindful breathing works. . .

exhibit l) coming home to a full fridge full of things my husband got for me specifically because i love these things (like beer and cheese - yeah, i'm so from wisconsin)

i'm glad that life isn't really like a video game and life force tokens can be cached rather than limited to 5 and crash over the bank of all the following days.

i'll leave you with something else that made me smile. . . a picture from 5 years ago when i was stage manager of an opera in New York.  dude, that was fucking awesome.

battling the nothing

i keep thinking that it'll just end. the depression. but it sometimes i think it gets better and sometimes i know it gets worse and i have a hard time figuring out what is keeping it from going away. and i ignore myself and even the depression, like it will just get up and walk away from me.

i'm afraid of my computer. i haven't written in two months and it's killing me. i have tons of things going through my brain and a hundred ideas of things that i want to write down, but if i even look at my computer i get a knot in my chest right at the breast plate. i don't blog. i don't post on facebook. i don't write tweets. i don't share. i don't talk. i fall into the hole and i don't even think there is a light up there.

sometimes it's because i have several things i promised i would do and i'm not doing them.  it's not the only thing, nor even the biggest thing, but it is something that makes me fall further down the hole. sometimes it's the fact that i am not talking to important people in my life. . . and i'm not - i'm ignoring them too. . .

do you know how long it took me to write that sentence? 10 minutes. i could lie and say it's because i was distracted by another movie i'm watching, but if i'm being truthful, i don't want it to be true. and why do i not do these things? because getting out of bed is hard. really hard. then making it through the day at work is harder. and then i'm exhausted when i get home. i barely make it to 8:30 when i'm home. barely. . . i go to bed. i sleep. and sleep. and sleep.

sometimes, if i wake in the middle of the night and one of those things i'm not doing comes up in my brain, i spin. out of control. . . and then i don't sleep. i just hate myself. i think of all the ways it could just go away - and these are not good things. they are destructive and . . . final . . . cowardly . . . cowardly in all the ways they could be cowardly.

do you know how embarrassing it is to say any of this? do you know how embarrassing it is to feel any of this? i'm ashamed to feel this. i'm ashamed to not be doing these things. i'm ashamed to admit it to you and, really, i'm ashamed and afraid to admit it to me. but i know if i don't, it will eat me. it will be like the nothing.  do you know the nothing? i learned what it was when i was 10 and felt it the first time when i was 32 and even more now that i'm 38. . .

i know this is weird, but suddenly, i realized how much The NeverEnding Story can help explain this. . . maybe this seems childish - but don't children often speak the truths adults talk around?  so, here is how i feel.

Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?

G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!

my world was dying, i was dying - i was forgetting my hopes and dreams and the things i wanted to do and be and getting out of bed was harder and harder and harder. the nothing had control. and it was so dark. 

and then. . . 

Bastian: Why is it so dark?

The Childlike Empress: In the beginning, it is always dark.

i asked for help. . . and i was afraid . . . but then, there were these people that care about me. people that tell me how much i mean to them and how much i've helped them and affected them. people that want to help me - they were patient. . .

Atreyu: What will happen if he doesn't appear?

The Childlike Empress: Then our world will disappear - and so will I.

Atreyu: How could he let that happen?

The Childlike Empress: He doesn't understand that he's the one who has the power to stop it. He simply can't imagine that one little boy could be that important.

Bastian: Is it really me?

Atreyu: Maybe he doesn't know what he has to do!

Bastian:  What DO I have to do?

in the same way i cared about them, they helped me see that i needed to care about me. and talk to them. and ask for more help. and not be ashamed. this part is hard - i am often ruled by shame. so much so, that i've had a lot of time to think about that word, shame. what does it mean? why do i feel it? why can it control me?

At the end of The NeverEnding Story (for those of you who have not seen it), Bastian starts making wishes - wishes for himself, wishes for his friends, wishes for a better world.

I don't know if I'm making wishes, but I AM doing things.  I'm getting up. I'm talking to my friends. I'm sharing with you. I'm walking. I'm writing.  I'm slowing doing the things I haven't been doing. These seem to be like Bastian's wishes. So - the light is brighter the closer I get to the top. And I don't feel so empty or awful or as ashamed (I'm still working on that one).

I wish I had words for the people that have helped, but I'm not sure I do - if I could take the feeling in my heart for them and give it to you so you can feel it too - that would be easier than trying to explain. I've said things to them like, "my heart has grown three sizes," or  "fuck yes - this," or "wow, thank you." I've cried to and with them, I've tried to give them gifts that explain how big my heart is and how grateful I feel for them.  I don't know if any of these things are adequate - but I will keep trying. I know they would all say that I do not need to, but the good thing about having control is that I get to decide.  I get to decide to never forget how wonderful the people in my life are. I get to decide to get up tomorrow and say - YES - and maybe I'll even get to ride a dragon. . . 

the power failure has over me and how you make me brave

I dreamed about Kim last night

A 4-year-old hugged me around the legs this morning

They are brave

They inspire me to be brave

Are there things you should not share?  Probably, and there are things I will not share with you. . . and some of you will be shocked I shared some of this.  Others of you will be glad I shared these things.  Some might be angry I shared them.  It’s hard to know the right amount. . .and the right level. . .

I am a machine – I am efficient and get shit done, or at least, I like to think so (and honestly other people think this of me too, it’s just hard to admit).  This week someone got to remind me I’m not a machine.  On Friday, I received an email from someone who works in my group about how he was happy to know I’m human and how after 23 days of not responding to an email, he smiled because it meant I wasn’t a machine . . . and because he was right . . . which makes me wrong . . . a state in which I prefer to not be.

This makes me feel like a failure.  Failure = Disappointment.  Disappointment is one of my buttons.  You push that button and I become inconsolably depressed (Oreos and Doritos were involved last night, which means I must be improving because normally it would have included alcohol). This email was not the only thing that made me feel like a failure, just a good way to show you an example.

So this morning, I started writing a list of all the things for which I was a failure (and I only had to go back a month). I had written 556 words and 41 items when I decided I needed to go to breakfast (because, oddly, I was feeling better).  Two very important things happened then.

1. I met my neighbor, Dan and his 4-year-old daughter, Isabella, in the hallway.  She is ADORABLE.  Dan said, “say hi to kp.”  Isabella proceeded to run down the hallway to me and yell, “hi kp, hi kp, hi kp.” Over and over and over.  Dan and I chatted a few minutes about an incident regarding our building and graffiti while Isabella spent the entire time saying “kp, kp, kp, kp, kp, kp”.  She was standing very close to my legs and looking up at me when I finally got to say, “what Isabella?” She couldn’t remember what she wanted to tell me, but then found something to tell me about.  She talked for about 5 minutes and Dan then told her to say goodbye so I could “get on with my life.”  Then it happened. . . the medicine I needed.  She put her arms around my knees and turned her cheek to my legs and ever so lightly hugged me.  It made my heart swell so much.
2. I left the building and went to Linda’s for breakfast. I hoped against hope that I would be able to have breakfast in peace because I thought that’s what I needed.  But instead Dan (a different Dan) and his friend (I cannot believe I forgot his name) asked me how I was.  I answered honestly, “getting better”. . . but something happened then.  The three of us started to talk and I really enjoyed it.  I wanted to know about them and I felt interested.  They were great, nothing crazy to make me remember WHY they made me feel better, but they did.  I want to thank them for cheering me up.  Helping push Isabella’s hug even further.

I came back home and started writing more on my list of things for which I hate myself.  I called my mom, no one answered.  I could read in to this  (and likely would have before this morning) but they could honestly be out.  So, I left a voicemail (which I hate doing) and said, “Hi, it’s Kristin, I love you, I’m sorry and I hope we can talk soon.” Calling her is on my list.

I think I might be able to get up in the morning with less difficulty because of this list.  Everyone in my life loves me so much and wants me to be happier and many of them would do anything they could. . . and some of them have.

I must tell you there are two people who made this list happen and would never know. . . my writing teacher and one of my fellow students.  This student has an inner critic (and this student is a most fantastic writer) and so our teacher told the student to write down the list of “blurts” (this is what The Artist’s Way calls them).  I don’t know if it liberated the student but it prompted me to start this list today.  It’s helping me to let go. . . they are on a page, and no longer inside eating me up (and that’s what it’s been doing for the last 28 days).

Because there are things on this list that cross a line I cannot cross yet (for those people I need to protect and for confidentiality), I’ve taken out names and some actual things on the list. . .

The list is 86 items long.  It will get longer.  It will get shorter.  But it’s just a list.  And I am the one who has control over how long or short it is.

Why I hate myself and am a failure:

1.  not bringing back the amp on time (there was no time but I was not diligent)
2. not calling my mother back when I said would and then not remembering for a week and then not calling until a month later
3. not responding to a text from my xxxxxx
4.  not responding to a call from Xxxxx
5. not responding to facebook posts from Xxxxx
6.  not cleaning any part of my house
7. getting hummus on the autograph I sent to Xxxxxxx
8. getting fat or gaining 10-15 pounds back from a year ago
9. eating the box of Oreos
10. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
11. not asking Xxx how she is
12.  not asking Xxxxx how she is
13.  not walking this entire month (not at all)
14. not going to the gym
15. taking the bus instead of walking to work
16. not reading Xxx’s XXX paper when he asked
17. not reading and responding to Xxxxx’s email re: his process
18. not getting Xxxxx a birthday present on time
19. not getting Xxxxx a birthday present at all
20. not knowing when I need to be better for my friends
21. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
22. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
23. for being afraid of talking to Xxxxxxx and Xxxx
24. sweating too much
25. my feet smelling bad
26. not cleaning my house
27. not weighing myself because I know it will be at 180lbs
28. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
29. not calling Xxxx on time
30. not doing what I say I’m going to do
31. my double chin
32. the pictures that make me look fat
33. taking any pills to make me feel better
34. not giving back Xxx’s tripod and taking almost three months to do it and really, he came over and did it instead of me being better
35. being paralyzed with fear and not writing
36. not writing anything ever
37. over thinking shit
38. grinding my teeth
39. eating out too much
40. spending stupid money
41. getting mad at Mikal for the most ridiculous things like putting his brace in a place I can crush it or when he asks me if I set my alarm.
42. not thanking Xxxxxx properly for helping me with scrapbooking
43. not giving Xxxxx a thank you note about the plant
44. not getting potting soil for the plant Xxxxx gave me
45. not making any more bags when I said I would for not only my xxxxx, but for Xxxxx
46. not talking to Xxxxx and Xxxxx more because I should and because I want to
47. being vain
48. not responding to Xxxxxxx when she sent me a most beautiful email
49. not talking to my xxxxxx after he wrote me a beautiful letter and then IM’s me when we were on Facebook at the same time
50. not completing my LinkedIn profile appropriately
51. not drinking enough water
52. not having enough self control
53. saying bad things to myself about my writing, about my body, about the way that I am
54. being too busy for everyone
55. not visiting Kim while she was sick because I was weak
56. lying to myself
57. being afraid to write what I felt like after Tuesday night’s Amanda Palmer party – I felt really terrible
58. being afraid to write about anything related to my life because it will hurt people
59. knowing that what I want to write will hurt people and still thinking it should be written and told and knowing I will be a coward and not write it because I cannot handle how to have the hard conversations with the people that I will hurt.
60. banishing my cat from the bedroom because she is too needy and knowing that all she really wants is to love me.
61. being judgmental about people that have the same insecurities as me and annoy me not because of their insecurities, but because I hate how they treat me or other people – just being judgmental
62. taking Amanda palmer’s marshmallows
63. sitting in bed instead of doing . . . . anything
64. wanting to die
65. not cleaning up my artists corner
66. asking my husband to clean up the cat puke because he’s up and I’m in bed. . . and I’m the one that saw her do it
67.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
68. knowing I hurt my husband because I was upset on 4/1 (my first husband’s anniversary) and not talking to him about it (but to be fair to myself on this one he had a big day that day and I didn’t want him to lose focus on himself).
69. being upset at my mother because on 4/1 she sent me an email that reminded me of my wedding anniversary because she mentioned a green feather boa and subsequently not calling because I couldn’t handle the email
70. having to leave work on 4/1 because I’m upset my first husband died and 4/1 would have been our 12 year anniversary
71. forgetting my co-worker’s kids names and ages
72. not knowing everyone’s name in my group at work
73. not setting up conferences with my teacher because I don’t think she thinks I’m any good (and let’s be clear she has NEVER EVER said anything like this at all)
74. missing an appointment with my therapist (because it was 4/1 and I was at home crying) and knowing that going to see her might have helped me being so fucking depressed that day
75. thinking my therapist hates me because I missed an appointment
76. not flossing every day and sometimes not for weeks, but really wanting to
77. saying I’m sorry all of the time
78. smoking
79. not remembering everything that should be on this list and possibly hurting people because I forgot them. . .
80. being totally self absorbed about the fact that anyone would care about any of this and be upset that I didn’t put them on the list
81. not crying more freely when I cry at the television or a movie because I’m afraid those that I’m with will laugh at me
82. knowing I’m not brave enough to post this entire list
83. not helping Chris with his UDFB fundraising more
84. not finding any UDFB donors yet and not having a plan
85. not acknowledging that being gang raped by three men has really affected me. . . and it a big reason I hate myself . . . and feel like I’m a piece of trash
86. being angry at myself I didn’t acknowledge #85 for 18 years

I was telling someone today that I felt like I was going to post a really vulnerable post today and I was unsure if I should or not.  That person expressed surprised that I couldn’t get any more naked because my previous posts were so revealing.  It confirmed I could put it out there.  Putting it out there helps me let it go.  Once it’s out there, I cannot take it back and therefore I cannot hide from it any longer and I can be better and more brave.  Some day I wish to be free of all my fears.  You are part of reaching that destination.  Thank you for reading.