the power failure has over me and how you make me brave

I dreamed about Kim last night

A 4-year-old hugged me around the legs this morning

They are brave

They inspire me to be brave

Are there things you should not share?  Probably, and there are things I will not share with you. . . and some of you will be shocked I shared some of this.  Others of you will be glad I shared these things.  Some might be angry I shared them.  It’s hard to know the right amount. . .and the right level. . .

I am a machine – I am efficient and get shit done, or at least, I like to think so (and honestly other people think this of me too, it’s just hard to admit).  This week someone got to remind me I’m not a machine.  On Friday, I received an email from someone who works in my group about how he was happy to know I’m human and how after 23 days of not responding to an email, he smiled because it meant I wasn’t a machine . . . and because he was right . . . which makes me wrong . . . a state in which I prefer to not be.

This makes me feel like a failure.  Failure = Disappointment.  Disappointment is one of my buttons.  You push that button and I become inconsolably depressed (Oreos and Doritos were involved last night, which means I must be improving because normally it would have included alcohol). This email was not the only thing that made me feel like a failure, just a good way to show you an example.

So this morning, I started writing a list of all the things for which I was a failure (and I only had to go back a month). I had written 556 words and 41 items when I decided I needed to go to breakfast (because, oddly, I was feeling better).  Two very important things happened then.

1. I met my neighbor, Dan and his 4-year-old daughter, Isabella, in the hallway.  She is ADORABLE.  Dan said, “say hi to kp.”  Isabella proceeded to run down the hallway to me and yell, “hi kp, hi kp, hi kp.” Over and over and over.  Dan and I chatted a few minutes about an incident regarding our building and graffiti while Isabella spent the entire time saying “kp, kp, kp, kp, kp, kp”.  She was standing very close to my legs and looking up at me when I finally got to say, “what Isabella?” She couldn’t remember what she wanted to tell me, but then found something to tell me about.  She talked for about 5 minutes and Dan then told her to say goodbye so I could “get on with my life.”  Then it happened. . . the medicine I needed.  She put her arms around my knees and turned her cheek to my legs and ever so lightly hugged me.  It made my heart swell so much.
2. I left the building and went to Linda’s for breakfast. I hoped against hope that I would be able to have breakfast in peace because I thought that’s what I needed.  But instead Dan (a different Dan) and his friend (I cannot believe I forgot his name) asked me how I was.  I answered honestly, “getting better”. . . but something happened then.  The three of us started to talk and I really enjoyed it.  I wanted to know about them and I felt interested.  They were great, nothing crazy to make me remember WHY they made me feel better, but they did.  I want to thank them for cheering me up.  Helping push Isabella’s hug even further.

I came back home and started writing more on my list of things for which I hate myself.  I called my mom, no one answered.  I could read in to this  (and likely would have before this morning) but they could honestly be out.  So, I left a voicemail (which I hate doing) and said, “Hi, it’s Kristin, I love you, I’m sorry and I hope we can talk soon.” Calling her is on my list.

I think I might be able to get up in the morning with less difficulty because of this list.  Everyone in my life loves me so much and wants me to be happier and many of them would do anything they could. . . and some of them have.

I must tell you there are two people who made this list happen and would never know. . . my writing teacher and one of my fellow students.  This student has an inner critic (and this student is a most fantastic writer) and so our teacher told the student to write down the list of “blurts” (this is what The Artist’s Way calls them).  I don’t know if it liberated the student but it prompted me to start this list today.  It’s helping me to let go. . . they are on a page, and no longer inside eating me up (and that’s what it’s been doing for the last 28 days).

Because there are things on this list that cross a line I cannot cross yet (for those people I need to protect and for confidentiality), I’ve taken out names and some actual things on the list. . .

The list is 86 items long.  It will get longer.  It will get shorter.  But it’s just a list.  And I am the one who has control over how long or short it is.

Why I hate myself and am a failure:

1.  not bringing back the amp on time (there was no time but I was not diligent)
2. not calling my mother back when I said would and then not remembering for a week and then not calling until a month later
3. not responding to a text from my xxxxxx
4.  not responding to a call from Xxxxx
5. not responding to facebook posts from Xxxxx
6.  not cleaning any part of my house
7. getting hummus on the autograph I sent to Xxxxxxx
8. getting fat or gaining 10-15 pounds back from a year ago
9. eating the box of Oreos
10. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
11. not asking Xxx how she is
12.  not asking Xxxxx how she is
13.  not walking this entire month (not at all)
14. not going to the gym
15. taking the bus instead of walking to work
16. not reading Xxx’s XXX paper when he asked
17. not reading and responding to Xxxxx’s email re: his process
18. not getting Xxxxx a birthday present on time
19. not getting Xxxxx a birthday present at all
20. not knowing when I need to be better for my friends
21. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
22. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
23. for being afraid of talking to Xxxxxxx and Xxxx
24. sweating too much
25. my feet smelling bad
26. not cleaning my house
27. not weighing myself because I know it will be at 180lbs
28. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
29. not calling Xxxx on time
30. not doing what I say I’m going to do
31. my double chin
32. the pictures that make me look fat
33. taking any pills to make me feel better
34. not giving back Xxx’s tripod and taking almost three months to do it and really, he came over and did it instead of me being better
35. being paralyzed with fear and not writing
36. not writing anything ever
37. over thinking shit
38. grinding my teeth
39. eating out too much
40. spending stupid money
41. getting mad at Mikal for the most ridiculous things like putting his brace in a place I can crush it or when he asks me if I set my alarm.
42. not thanking Xxxxxx properly for helping me with scrapbooking
43. not giving Xxxxx a thank you note about the plant
44. not getting potting soil for the plant Xxxxx gave me
45. not making any more bags when I said I would for not only my xxxxx, but for Xxxxx
46. not talking to Xxxxx and Xxxxx more because I should and because I want to
47. being vain
48. not responding to Xxxxxxx when she sent me a most beautiful email
49. not talking to my xxxxxx after he wrote me a beautiful letter and then IM’s me when we were on Facebook at the same time
50. not completing my LinkedIn profile appropriately
51. not drinking enough water
52. not having enough self control
53. saying bad things to myself about my writing, about my body, about the way that I am
54. being too busy for everyone
55. not visiting Kim while she was sick because I was weak
56. lying to myself
57. being afraid to write what I felt like after Tuesday night’s Amanda Palmer party – I felt really terrible
58. being afraid to write about anything related to my life because it will hurt people
59. knowing that what I want to write will hurt people and still thinking it should be written and told and knowing I will be a coward and not write it because I cannot handle how to have the hard conversations with the people that I will hurt.
60. banishing my cat from the bedroom because she is too needy and knowing that all she really wants is to love me.
61. being judgmental about people that have the same insecurities as me and annoy me not because of their insecurities, but because I hate how they treat me or other people – just being judgmental
62. taking Amanda palmer’s marshmallows
63. sitting in bed instead of doing . . . . anything
64. wanting to die
65. not cleaning up my artists corner
66. asking my husband to clean up the cat puke because he’s up and I’m in bed. . . and I’m the one that saw her do it
67.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
68. knowing I hurt my husband because I was upset on 4/1 (my first husband’s anniversary) and not talking to him about it (but to be fair to myself on this one he had a big day that day and I didn’t want him to lose focus on himself).
69. being upset at my mother because on 4/1 she sent me an email that reminded me of my wedding anniversary because she mentioned a green feather boa and subsequently not calling because I couldn’t handle the email
70. having to leave work on 4/1 because I’m upset my first husband died and 4/1 would have been our 12 year anniversary
71. forgetting my co-worker’s kids names and ages
72. not knowing everyone’s name in my group at work
73. not setting up conferences with my teacher because I don’t think she thinks I’m any good (and let’s be clear she has NEVER EVER said anything like this at all)
74. missing an appointment with my therapist (because it was 4/1 and I was at home crying) and knowing that going to see her might have helped me being so fucking depressed that day
75. thinking my therapist hates me because I missed an appointment
76. not flossing every day and sometimes not for weeks, but really wanting to
77. saying I’m sorry all of the time
78. smoking
79. not remembering everything that should be on this list and possibly hurting people because I forgot them. . .
80. being totally self absorbed about the fact that anyone would care about any of this and be upset that I didn’t put them on the list
81. not crying more freely when I cry at the television or a movie because I’m afraid those that I’m with will laugh at me
82. knowing I’m not brave enough to post this entire list
83. not helping Chris with his UDFB fundraising more
84. not finding any UDFB donors yet and not having a plan
85. not acknowledging that being gang raped by three men has really affected me. . . and it a big reason I hate myself . . . and feel like I’m a piece of trash
86. being angry at myself I didn’t acknowledge #85 for 18 years

I was telling someone today that I felt like I was going to post a really vulnerable post today and I was unsure if I should or not.  That person expressed surprised that I couldn’t get any more naked because my previous posts were so revealing.  It confirmed I could put it out there.  Putting it out there helps me let it go.  Once it’s out there, I cannot take it back and therefore I cannot hide from it any longer and I can be better and more brave.  Some day I wish to be free of all my fears.  You are part of reaching that destination.  Thank you for reading.