30 for 30 has gotten me totally inspired

today is day 11 of 30 days of writing.  it's been so helpful in getting me unstuck. i've been stuck for months and months and months. and for some reason, at the end of September, i was ripe for change. Dustin asked me to go to this "open mic" night at the Hugo House to see him read some of his work. i hadn't seen him in months and i always leave our writing groups with so much excitement and inspiration, i thought it would be good to see him (miss him so much!!) and see what he'd been working on. i needed out of this funk.

it was the exact right time.

i found this note on the table we were sitting at and it hosted a graphic that spoke to me.

i thought it would be a good idea for Dustin to do since he was so good at being regular with his writing (he's totally my hero on this. . .). but a few days later, he emailed me, telling me he had taken a look and maybe we could do it together. i don't even know what possessed me to say yes since the previous three or four months i'd been completely terrified to open up my computer or my notebook.  the thought of writing anything made me want go into a fugue state. so, when i said yes, i think it surprised me more than Dustin.

and so far. . . it hasn't be horrible. the complete opposite (for those of you following this horrible pattern are likely screaming at your screens, "seriously kp. you fucking say this every few months. .. " continue. . . ). it's been great. i've written about Laffy Taffy (a caper at work), what it's like to have to arrange a funeral, the rivers etched into your skin when you take a shower, college reminiscents, parts of a novel i've been desperately trying to rid my mind of, part of a novel in my brain i want to let ruminate in that same brain, and the weird parallels between the global warming conspiracy and when a democrat is in office while the economy appears to be booming. . . all weird, but all good. the two things i wrote related to my novel. . . it's amazing. i'm so excited to finally be actually writing about it. 

i even went to the open mic night on 10/5 to read something from one of the novels. it was liberating! i even auditioned a story for a storytelling night. .. and i cannot wait to edit it if they choose it. and even if they don't, i'll now have a place to send more pitches. 

so. . .not so bad for 11 days. 

oh - and this whole thing is to raise money for the Hugo House.  I don't know if any of you have heard of it, but it's amazing. when i went to my first open mic in September, to listen, it reminded me so much of the play from San Miguel that parroted what it must have been like back when Kerouac and Burroughs had done readings in front of their friends fueled by the alcohol and camaraderie.  it felt like home. i think i looked over at Dustin at some point in the evening and said, "why haven't we done this before??" it was a question asked that seemed so . . . late - i mean, it felt so right to be there with these other people. 

i became a member about a day and a half later, as soon as i had a second to go to their website. and i never want this place to go away. so, if you feel so inclined to help support a community that supports me as a writer, i would be extra grateful (as i am already grateful you are here reading this). many thank yous. i'm hoping that out of this 30 days i'll get something i can submit for publishing. . . or at least something that's fit to post here as a fiction. but nothing has totally taken shape yet. but keep me doing it. which means i'm about to do a weird ask. . . and give. . . 

if you decide you can donate some cash - $20 or more, i'll totally write you a micro fiction of any topic you want. and send it to you. . . really. it may be horrible, but you'll get me writing. holy crap - i'm terrified. . . ready?

set?

go!!!!!

i am not a failure - so shut up you stupid little voice. . . SHUT UP

i haven't updated in a while.  and i was wondering how much of it was because i am embarrassed for my lack of progress OR how much of it is because i'm embarrassed for what i wish i was doing OR if i'm embarrassed because i don't feel happy about what i HAVE done (in terms of writing). . .

the fact is. . .i'm embarrassed and ashamed. embarrassed that i haven't updated, embarrassed that i haven't met my goals, ashamed that you should call me on it but if I write it down, then i'm open to you calling me on my shit. then ashamed that i don't want to be called on my shit. . . ugh, such a vicious circle.

these last two weeks were pretty rough.  you know when you say things - things you wish you hadn't said? and then all you do is dwell on those things and berate yourself.  it's total self-flagellation without even a good religious reason. . .and sometimes the things you said don't even warrant any second thought. . . so you beat yourself up because of that. . .ugh, such a vicious cycle.

so - last night i was looking at what i HAD done. . . and i have decided to cut myself some freakin' slack.

so here's an update -

today is Day 75 of the year and is the start of week 12. if i don't count anything i've written, i have consumed AT LEAST (aka - i have recorded it) SEVENTY-THREE (73) individual items of art.  i have read and/or listened essays, poems, short stories, novels and non-fiction. i have watched old movies and original plays and shows. these are things i recorded. that means, except for the last TWO days, i have consumed some form of art every day.

and i'm not even going to sell myself short there. i've also watched four oscar winning films, one ENTIRE season of a VERY cool BBC America tv show, several non-oscar nominated films that i never saw before, organized a baby shower, worked more than 40 hours per week, got my cat into the vet (and am learning how to give fluids. . .), and attended trivia, friend gatherings, a reading event, got the first part of my tattoo, bid and won an auction which led to a very wet, but still very awesome opening season game for the Sounders, signed up for another marathon, and started training, took apart a blanket i knitted (b/c, dude, it was lopsided) and restarted it and am one skein in, entertained a guest for oscar's weekend, i'm in the middle of another book and i listened to three new albums by two new to me groups and lastly, have helped to organize a very important (to me) get together about writing. . .

so - FUCK YOU stupid little voice telling me that i'm a failure. i'm not.

and if i look at what i have PRODUCED. . . it's week 12 - i've written 7 blog posts (including this one), 3 letters of more than 2500 words a piece to significant people in my life, 2 short stories, and 6 story ideas. i've also written 24 haikus (even if some of them are bad) and discussed a potential writing project with my friend and came up with a novel idea through a conversation with my mother. Not bad. . . more than one creative thing per week.

so - again - FUCK YOU STUPID LITTLE VOICE. i am not a failure.