battling the nothing

i keep thinking that it'll just end. the depression. but it sometimes i think it gets better and sometimes i know it gets worse and i have a hard time figuring out what is keeping it from going away. and i ignore myself and even the depression, like it will just get up and walk away from me.

i'm afraid of my computer. i haven't written in two months and it's killing me. i have tons of things going through my brain and a hundred ideas of things that i want to write down, but if i even look at my computer i get a knot in my chest right at the breast plate. i don't blog. i don't post on facebook. i don't write tweets. i don't share. i don't talk. i fall into the hole and i don't even think there is a light up there.

sometimes it's because i have several things i promised i would do and i'm not doing them.  it's not the only thing, nor even the biggest thing, but it is something that makes me fall further down the hole. sometimes it's the fact that i am not talking to important people in my life. . . and i'm not - i'm ignoring them too. . .

do you know how long it took me to write that sentence? 10 minutes. i could lie and say it's because i was distracted by another movie i'm watching, but if i'm being truthful, i don't want it to be true. and why do i not do these things? because getting out of bed is hard. really hard. then making it through the day at work is harder. and then i'm exhausted when i get home. i barely make it to 8:30 when i'm home. barely. . . i go to bed. i sleep. and sleep. and sleep.

sometimes, if i wake in the middle of the night and one of those things i'm not doing comes up in my brain, i spin. out of control. . . and then i don't sleep. i just hate myself. i think of all the ways it could just go away - and these are not good things. they are destructive and . . . final . . . cowardly . . . cowardly in all the ways they could be cowardly.

do you know how embarrassing it is to say any of this? do you know how embarrassing it is to feel any of this? i'm ashamed to feel this. i'm ashamed to not be doing these things. i'm ashamed to admit it to you and, really, i'm ashamed and afraid to admit it to me. but i know if i don't, it will eat me. it will be like the nothing.  do you know the nothing? i learned what it was when i was 10 and felt it the first time when i was 32 and even more now that i'm 38. . .

i know this is weird, but suddenly, i realized how much The NeverEnding Story can help explain this. . . maybe this seems childish - but don't children often speak the truths adults talk around?  so, here is how i feel.

Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?

G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.

Atreyu: What is the Nothing?

G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Atreyu: But why?

G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!

my world was dying, i was dying - i was forgetting my hopes and dreams and the things i wanted to do and be and getting out of bed was harder and harder and harder. the nothing had control. and it was so dark. 

and then. . . 

Bastian: Why is it so dark?

The Childlike Empress: In the beginning, it is always dark.

i asked for help. . . and i was afraid . . . but then, there were these people that care about me. people that tell me how much i mean to them and how much i've helped them and affected them. people that want to help me - they were patient. . .

Atreyu: What will happen if he doesn't appear?

The Childlike Empress: Then our world will disappear - and so will I.

Atreyu: How could he let that happen?

The Childlike Empress: He doesn't understand that he's the one who has the power to stop it. He simply can't imagine that one little boy could be that important.

Bastian: Is it really me?

Atreyu: Maybe he doesn't know what he has to do!

Bastian:  What DO I have to do?

in the same way i cared about them, they helped me see that i needed to care about me. and talk to them. and ask for more help. and not be ashamed. this part is hard - i am often ruled by shame. so much so, that i've had a lot of time to think about that word, shame. what does it mean? why do i feel it? why can it control me?

At the end of The NeverEnding Story (for those of you who have not seen it), Bastian starts making wishes - wishes for himself, wishes for his friends, wishes for a better world.

I don't know if I'm making wishes, but I AM doing things.  I'm getting up. I'm talking to my friends. I'm sharing with you. I'm walking. I'm writing.  I'm slowing doing the things I haven't been doing. These seem to be like Bastian's wishes. So - the light is brighter the closer I get to the top. And I don't feel so empty or awful or as ashamed (I'm still working on that one).

I wish I had words for the people that have helped, but I'm not sure I do - if I could take the feeling in my heart for them and give it to you so you can feel it too - that would be easier than trying to explain. I've said things to them like, "my heart has grown three sizes," or  "fuck yes - this," or "wow, thank you." I've cried to and with them, I've tried to give them gifts that explain how big my heart is and how grateful I feel for them.  I don't know if any of these things are adequate - but I will keep trying. I know they would all say that I do not need to, but the good thing about having control is that I get to decide.  I get to decide to never forget how wonderful the people in my life are. I get to decide to get up tomorrow and say - YES - and maybe I'll even get to ride a dragon. . .