new leaves. . .

Willing it to Shine!

Yesterday I tried to quit smoking. . . and I failed on the first day.

Today is a new day.  Today I am going to try again.  Today I will be stronger.  Today I am stronger.

I think I let too much of the other things in my life be excuses to my ability to be better.  It is truly those things that make me who I am and make me better.

This week I found out several things that are. . . .let's call them. . . "opportunities to grow" - things I suggest above are my excuses.  Perhaps I can use these as excuses, but really, they are the things that make you better, stronger, more alive.   I need to make this the time to turn over a new leaf.  Not just in smoking, but in other ways too.  First the things that I use as excuses for not being the best person I could be.

Mikal found out he has severe femoral nerve damage.  We don't know what the future holds for him in that arena, and so we move forward to try to work within that world - for an active man, it's a hard blow.  Lots of internet research to understand the long term affects aren't all that encouraging.

On the heels of that, I had an MRI and a reading of that MRI.  The result?  I met a neurosurgeon. . . My tasks here?  Well, on Thursday I had an injection in the area of C7 where I have a herniated disc.  The neurosurgeon has asked that I journal my level of pain so that he can help determine that surgery may or may not help.  The theory here is that if the injection seems to help, surgery is likely to also help in a more permanent way.

Internet searches are my enemy.  I have decided that people only post when it's negative because it's on their minds.  If they have had success, then why think of it at all?  Whether this is a delusional thinking or not, it's what I'll choose to believe for the time being.  I have wonderful friends that have given me names of folks that have had this type of surgery with much success.

After this news, I felt it was time to quit smoking.  I don't do it much anyway, however, smoking is smoking is smoking.  When I successfully have not smoked for a year, I will be much healthier anyway.  Unfortunately, I am a social smoker especially when alcohol is involved.  And last night, my will did not stand.  I had a great time at a friend's auction event.  There was wine - and it was "included" with my ticket.  So. . .I had three cigarettes.  This is actually more than I normally have.  I usually only have one or maybe two a day and can go days without it.

I also did something pretty horrible.  I forgot a very good friend's birthday.  I hate that I cannot keep up with all of the most important things in my life.  I need to re-prioritize.  So, I take today to do so.  

New leaves - no smoking, no excuses, no forgetting, no getting bogged down in the "what ifs".  On Monday, I actually posted a picture of the back of my head - I was willing a good sunny day - it didn't exactly work until the end of the day.  I'm using it as one of the pictures in today's posting because it's sort of a representation of what I want to do for the rest of my life - I'm willing it to be sunny.