And so it starts. . . or is continuing its cycle?

Eleven (11) days and counting. . . To what you ask? Well, to the day I found out my life changed forever. It kind of seems like a never ending journey. There's the death date (September 6), the holidays (all of them from Labor day through New Years - and even Valentines day), the anniversary (April 1 - we met that day), the birthday (July 28th), then the death date again. . . And the cycle begins all over again.

I think I'm getting better at it - well, in my opinion or at least my hope, I'm getting better at it. I think my head and sometimes my emotions are not necessarily in agreement with me. A couple of days ago I was reliving the day I found out. Where I was in the dealership, how the car salesman's card floated to the floor while Ciara and Gus came to collect me, how I can't really remember getting back to their house and how I remember the nice warm sweats they gave me to make me feel better. My eyes well now at these thoughts as I write them. But a couple of days ago, I was reliving them in my head - that isn't the big deal - it was that I was reliving them on my way back from a seeing a movie with Mikal.

It seemed so random. There wasn't any trigger. The movie we saw was District 9 (I'll have to do a bit on that as well), so, not really any triggers. And even a few days before I was watching Ghost Town and it didn't even cross my mind ONCE that it had to do with a spouse dying. These emotional outbursts are so random.

Sometimes, I'm not even sure why my emotions overwhelm me. Two examples - yesterday I was walking home listening to the Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the west soundtrack (I'm going to the play on Sept 10th - super psyched!) and there is this song that Elphaba (the Wicked Witch) sings that talks about her having no limits and being able to fly. The words are stirring, but that's not what made me have an emotional break (I started to cry). It was the actual notes she was singing. The end of that song is AWESOME - the notes, the keys, the fullness of her voice, the conviction in the sound. It fills me with great feeling and makes me realize all over again how much I love musicals. But to cry over it? Seems a bit over the top. I'm the first to admit, I'll totally cry when I'm at the show, but before - I don't even know the story yet (I'm still reading the book).

The second example is even MORE random. I was watching Boston Legal (my new favorite show that doesn't exist anymore). Spader's character says to Shatner's character when asked if he likes the new fiance, "she makes my friend smile, and that's all that matters to me." WATERWORKS! Seriously? At that? And it's even more random because those two characters are total and complete ASSES in the show. So what that they have this weird and endearing fondness for each other (part of the appeal). . . But I kind of draw the line at crying for this show. . . NOT a show to cry during, really. . . Feel free to disagree with me.

So, not sure why I'm crying. I think it must have to do with the time of year, the stress of the job, and the fact that I'll be going to the mountain this year with Alistair's best friend. You see we have to deposit some of Alistair's ashes on Mount Rainier (again - I'll tell that story a bit later). Plus, I promised Al I would bring CJ up there too (his beloved cat that died 6 months after he did. . . At least Al was spared that). I haven't been up there since April of 2008. . .

Feeling a little guilty about that, but also feeling guilty because I'm not sure I'm ready to go back. But I promised Jason (that's Al's best friend). So, we'll do it. He needs it. He really does. And maybe it'll be good for me too.

I'm just hoping that the random and sometimes utterly unexplainable waterworks moments recede - even for just a little bit until the holidays.