I'm going to take Mikal to this play called "The Year of Magical Thinking". That in and of itself isn't that interesting until you know what the play is about. Here, read an excerpt:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/thearts/2009702020_didion21.html
Difficult to say the least, no?
We were on our way to Costco last Saturday on Third Avenue stopped at a light next to a bus with the advertisement to this play. I just started thinking about how wonderful Mikal is about Alistair. He never makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm talking about Alistair. In fact, he really makes me feel completely okay. I'm very lucky. I then started to feel really badly about "making" Mikal go to this play. . . And said as much. I even said that I would take someone else if he wanted me to.
The problem here, for me anyway, is that it's almost that time again (this is 10 days and counting - not nearly as bad as it was the last two years, but bad enough. I didn't realize when I bought the tickets to the show, that this play was about my life's most defining moment. So, it's not like I picked this time to go to this show.
A couple of days before I was reliving the day I found out. Where I was in the dealership, how the car salesman's card floated to the floor while Ciara and Gus came to collect me, how I can't really remember getting back to their house and how I remember the nice warm sweats they gave me to make me feel better. My eyes well now at these thoughts as I write them. But a couple of days ago, I was reliving them in my head - that isn't the big deal - it was that I was reliving them on my way back from a seeing a movie with Mikal.
He noticed my demeanor change and wanted to help, as he always does. He's a fixer, like me. I didn't feel the least bit weird telling him, but I did feel guilty about thinking after we'd had such a nice date and said as much. He always seems to say the right thing. That time, I think it was something like - it's getting close, you're going to think about it. You okay?
How great is that?
Which brings us back to Saturday. Mikal said he wanted to go with me. He said he knows I'm going to cry, but that he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. But most importantly, he said this, "you deal with it every day just like I do, but in my own way."
Can you believe how selfish I've been. I didn't even think he'd have to deal with my husband's death every day. But there he is, hanging out with me and there is this "thing" I have in my life that is a constant. There isn't a way around him not seeing it, knowing it, feeling it, dealing with it.
I didn't know. How could I not know. Most people would think that Mikal feels like he's got to live up to Alistair, but he knows it's not a competition and never can be. And it's not that he just says that, you feel it. His major concern is that I'm happy and that he can say the right thing when I need to talk.
It's interesting. . . I never thought that he lived with it too. But I guess, how can you not? I live with the fact that he has a daughter every day. But "live with" sounds so. . .so negative.
It's not negative. We both have very significant things in our lives that make us who we are. And those things are both very important to us. And I don't think we would be able to be with one another if we didn't accept or embrace those things (Alistair and Eloise). So, we both may "deal with" or "live with" these facts, but truly, it's like embracing the other person and their history.
Anyway, I'll let you know how the show goes. . .
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